People don’t give the tiniest shit about me. I try to be nice to everyone, but people either ignore me or get annoyed with me. I have no idea what I’m doing wrong. Sometimes, I think that maybe I’m not doing anything wrong. Everyone else might be wrong. Everyone in their own worlds, in their own bubbles, only interested in stuff that’s directly related to them. People can be pretty closed minded and superficial.
Sometimes I lose hope for people. And sometimes, quite rarely, I regain some hope. Some people out there are genuinely nice, genuinely interested in others, and really want to share kindness. As opposed to fucking instant gratification and self interest. I’m ranting here.
I don’t feel appreciated. I feel abandoned. I still have my family, but let’s be honest, fuck them. They’re all assholes who only care about their own asses. Not all of them, but the majority.
Putting family aside, I have no one. I could <mod edit - method>, and no one would care. No one would shed a single tear for me. If I’m depressed, I’m that weird guy who needs therapy. If I harm myself, I’m that crazy person who needs help (from anyone else). And if I have suicidal thoughts, I’m still that insane guy, maybe seeking attention, going all out just to have a smidge of attention. But “I don’t want to get involved in this”, and “I don’t know him very well”, and “He needs help from someone else, not me”.
I am a superficial, coward, piece of shit like anyone else. But come on, I wouldn’t ignore a person who needs help. Sometimes, asking if I’m doing okay will sufice for me. Even just approaching me and chatting about whatever, it’s already enough, to be honest. But I rarely have the luxury of getting that.
I feel so insignificant. So little, so pointless. I don’t have anything to offer. I’m failing at living a mediocre life. Fuck my life. All the stuff I go through, without ever receiving appreciation or kindness back, I lose the will to persist.
I’ll be honest. I want attention. I secretly hoped that someone would see my self harm scars. Or someone would see my history and realize I’m having suicidal thoughts. I hoped someone would ask me how I’m doing, and when I replied they noticed I’m lying about being okay, and I feel terrible on the inside.
The very few instances I didn’t lie about how I was feeling, they were the most regretful. People treated me so badly when I told them I was depressed. I didn’t even mention suicide thoughts, I only mentioned my depression. Everyone looked down on me. My family started talking shit behind my back.
These thoughts are so persistent. They are almost permanent. It’s not like any emotion that goes away in a short period of time. I have them pretty much all day long.
No one will ever be able to help me, I’ve realized that. But I don’t know how to help myself either. I’m not running away from my emotions, or avoiding to deal with any sort of “inner demon”. I just feel the need to die, all the time. All the time.
Sometimes I lose hope for people. And sometimes, quite rarely, I regain some hope. Some people out there are genuinely nice, genuinely interested in others, and really want to share kindness. As opposed to fucking instant gratification and self interest. I’m ranting here.
I don’t feel appreciated. I feel abandoned. I still have my family, but let’s be honest, fuck them. They’re all assholes who only care about their own asses. Not all of them, but the majority.
Putting family aside, I have no one. I could <mod edit - method>, and no one would care. No one would shed a single tear for me. If I’m depressed, I’m that weird guy who needs therapy. If I harm myself, I’m that crazy person who needs help (from anyone else). And if I have suicidal thoughts, I’m still that insane guy, maybe seeking attention, going all out just to have a smidge of attention. But “I don’t want to get involved in this”, and “I don’t know him very well”, and “He needs help from someone else, not me”.
I am a superficial, coward, piece of shit like anyone else. But come on, I wouldn’t ignore a person who needs help. Sometimes, asking if I’m doing okay will sufice for me. Even just approaching me and chatting about whatever, it’s already enough, to be honest. But I rarely have the luxury of getting that.
I feel so insignificant. So little, so pointless. I don’t have anything to offer. I’m failing at living a mediocre life. Fuck my life. All the stuff I go through, without ever receiving appreciation or kindness back, I lose the will to persist.
I’ll be honest. I want attention. I secretly hoped that someone would see my self harm scars. Or someone would see my history and realize I’m having suicidal thoughts. I hoped someone would ask me how I’m doing, and when I replied they noticed I’m lying about being okay, and I feel terrible on the inside.
The very few instances I didn’t lie about how I was feeling, they were the most regretful. People treated me so badly when I told them I was depressed. I didn’t even mention suicide thoughts, I only mentioned my depression. Everyone looked down on me. My family started talking shit behind my back.
These thoughts are so persistent. They are almost permanent. It’s not like any emotion that goes away in a short period of time. I have them pretty much all day long.
No one will ever be able to help me, I’ve realized that. But I don’t know how to help myself either. I’m not running away from my emotions, or avoiding to deal with any sort of “inner demon”. I just feel the need to die, all the time. All the time.
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