Getting close

[SamB]

I just received some pretty bad news about my future.
Over the last 4 or 5 years my life has pretty much unravelled. It feels like an invisible bubble is surrounding me and everytime I think I am getting used to my reduced world and can live with what I have left the bubble shrinks and something else gets taken away from me.
It feels like I’m on the road to a completely meaningless and pointless life where I barely exist at all, it’s like an ever tightening straight jacket with no escape, there is no point in fighting it because that just makes it tighter, my only choice is to exist in the prison the system has created for me or die, and the system considers my death the best outcome.
My last attempt was as close to fatal as one can get without going over the line and my method is refined since then so I know that this time it would be decisive.

 

[may71]

I'm sorry things are so bad Sam.

You're welcome to say more about what's happened if you'd like to.

 

[SamB]

My life is not my own, it is controlled and restricted by the system, those restrictions are unfettered, unremovable and can be used to punish. Trying to fight against them results in escalation, as I have already experienced, so that is not worth pursuing again. As an aside, I’m not paranoid or in anyway imagining these things or under any kind of unacceptable control, everything is real and entirely state sanctioned and societally approved.
Although, I am not physically limited I am limited in every human interaction which prevents any and all romantic and social relationships, severely curtails family interactions and now also impacts upon my work prospects.
Essentially, I can live a remote life, having minor interactions like the ones here and no more. Everything else that constitutes being a human must happen in isolation for me.

 

[Innocent Forever]

Hugs

 

[LonelyHiker]

I'm sorry 😔

Wishing you some peace in life ..

 

[seabird]

Without knowing more detail, I can only imagine. Understand about not specifically describing your circumstances @SamB . It sounds terribly challenging. You are an uplifting presence here, despite this. So you are strong. I think what you're saying is you are subjected to high levels of stress and pain, but go on somehow. Are there no avenues of escape past the barriers you wrote about? To be clear, I am not referring to suicide as an escape.

hugs to you

 

[SamB]

My days just seem filled with despair at the moment. It’s so hard to carry on when you can’t do anything to change your situation and all you have is a dark tunnel with no light at the end of it.

 

[seabird]

Despair is heavy.
hug

 

[may71]

I hope things can get better Sam

 

[SamB]

I live in effective solitary confinement, this forum is pretty much the only non trivial interactions I have, with all my other interactions being restricted to trivial matters such as receiving a parcel where I might not even speak.
The only difference for me is that my confinement is virtual rather than physical, so I can have a house with comforts such as television, kitchen, bathroom and can go outside for exercise but otherwise it is effectively like being imprisoned in solitary confinement 24/7.
They say that solitary confinement can cause mental health issues within 24 hours and that most people will be broken within a week. I guess the comforts of my house and the distraction of TV mean that my time is not quite that hard but even so it feels like I am coming more and more towards a irreversible breaking point.
If there was an end to my punishment in sight then maybe I could feel enough hope to hold on but the end is so far away and recent financial issues might mean that my comfortable cell will have to be significantly downgraded soon.
Is it possible to survive living in just your own head? - I’m not sure I can do it.

 

[may71]

I'm sorry you're feeling so isolated.

Is it possible to survive living in just your own head? - I’m not sure I can do it.

I think there are people who are genuine hermits, but it's rare. I guess you'd have to be cut out to be like that.

 

[alice202]

Sam

Reading your post makes me sad. You are such a good person, a very helpful person on this forum. The world needs people like you.

I know from experience that isolation is poison, especially for someone who is depressed. I am also alone and struggle to find connections. Even a little bit helps.

It is hard to imagine what you are experiencing. But at least here on SF, you are loved.

Alice

 

[seabird]

I live in effective solitary confinement, this forum is pretty much the only non trivial interactions I have, with all my other interactions being restricted to trivial matters such as receiving a parcel where I might not even speak.
The only difference for me is that my confinement is virtual rather than physical, so I can have a house with comforts such as television, kitchen, bathroom and can go outside for exercise but otherwise it is effectively like being imprisoned in solitary confinement 24/7.
They say that solitary confinement can cause mental health issues within 24 hours and that most people will be broken within a week. I guess the comforts of my house and the distraction of TV mean that my time is not quite that hard but even so it feels like I am coming more and more towards a irreversible breaking point.
If there was an end to my punishment in sight then maybe I could feel enough hope to hold on but the end is so far away and recent financial issues might mean that my comfortable cell will have to be significantly downgraded soon.
Is it possible to survive living in just your own head? - I’m not sure I can do it.

I'm sorry @SamB . You're noticably a kind and balanced person here. If you don't mind me saying, your your posts add to my feeling of being able to handle my broken-ness. I am not doing well, but I'd be most likely in hospital if it weren't for SF and posts such as yours. This is my experience with what you described; I realised it was time to stop trying to do that. I had a kind of pride, which turned out to be false, that I could handle keeping an old place and large yard but it was too lonely for me. I don't know if I make it clear: I was graterul for the ability to live alone, it's just that I had to get away and be around at least 1 someone, or I'd of ctb. I am familiar with this kind of isolation, but have tried, and failed, over the last few years towards being in a relationship. Sending hugs.

 

[Survivorist]

What you write makes me feel sad and sorry. You actually have everything but on the negative side you are completely isolated. Isolation is horrible. This forum is good, it helps. I wish that something happens in your life that changes this in a positive way. Hugs - and do not give up hope.

 

[SamB]

I might have found an answer to my financial difficulties, a few things left to resolve but hopefully it will be OK. I’ll still have to live in solitary confinement but at least I’ll be able to continue to do so in comfort.
I feel happier but also quite nervous because if things don’t work then I don’t know how I will cope with going back to a place with even less hope.

 

[may71]

I hope things will work out OK.

 

[SamB]

So things have not worked out and I am back in a really bad position again. I’m not sure I have the fight to go on much longer.

 

[AvidFan]

So things have not worked out and I am back in a really bad position again. I’m not sure I have the fight to go on much longer.

Sorry they didn't work out. Maybe they will eventually. Sorry you are struggling so much and in such a bad position.

 

[SamB]

It doesn’t feel like it at the moment, it feels like this is really the final piece de resistance in the erosion of my life and I will be left with nothing.
I’ve felt more desperate in the past, obviously when I attempted last time, but that was a trough in a bumpy path that pushed me under. This time there is no sudden fall it’s been a long and slow decline to the line and there doesn’t seem to be any possibility of a trajectory change. There are just too many fronts for me to fight on and no matter how hard I fight I just get pushed back and pushed back. It just seems inevitable that I will cross that line again and with no realistic prospect of coming back up the end will follow. I just feel so sad and hollow that this will be it for me.

 

[SamB]

When life is devoid of joy and there is no hope of change left, it becomes a dead end.
I am only surviving by burying my head in the sand and pretending it’s not true, eventually I won’t be able to lie to myself any longer and the truth will sink in. When that happens I think things will end rapidly.