As May is soon approaching, I am facing the empty ache in my heart where it used to be whole. As of May it will be two years since I last seen my kids. Circumstances just made it impossible for us to keep them, and our rights were terminated. They weren't even allowed to be with family. Then the day before my son's four birthday, my mom had to tell me that they were adopted. I've missed out on so much, yet my mom is able to see them and spend time with them because of the Grandparent thing. But she doesn't realize that talking about them just stabs the dagger back in my heart every time. So to make matters worse, after getting sick off meds and what not, I ended up pregnant. And fearing that the state would take this baby without even asking, I moved out of state. Hell I moved five states away from home. I left everything behind. I packed everything I could fit in my car and drove 23 hour drive to a new place. And started over. My mom then decided that if she kept calling me I'd get homesick and move back, knowing that maybe if she bugged me enough I'd give her the baby. So now after the baby is here, she just calls to ask about the baby and how she's lonely for the baby. Not how are you...or what not. But talks about the other two. I'm trying to connect to this baby and it's hard. I see the other two in her and it's hard. Just taking it one minute at a time right now.