Good LORD I hate these cookouts!

[Prinnctopher's Belt]

One of my cousins graduated from college with a degree in Nursing (and is having a cookout to celebrate), and she has a great job, and so does her sister, and so does her mother and so forth. Their side of the family is doing great. But every year during these things when I go, I always feel like such a fucking LOSER! All of these people are doing great things in their lives and accomplishing shit, with a great deal of cards from the start, living in a nice suburban house with a nice family, goes to church on Sundays and having lots of friends and good social lives and so forth.

And here I am still haven't reached my goal, older than my cousins, and they have achieved more than I have, AND have great jobs that pay very generously, so they're able to be independent and doing their own thing now; they even have cars. And here I am, living like shit in poverty and struggling, in debt, will probably never be independent. They brag about their successes, which is understandable because they have shit to be proud of. So everything I go to one of these things I always feel so fucking embarrassed, because my aunt and mother are there too, and I used to have so much promise. Everyone asks me "hey how's law school goin, future lawyer! You still gettin' them good grades, girl! You gettin' that money!" and I have nothing good to say but "mm...nah...I'm not in law school...uh I don't make enough money...in debt...uh..:unsure:" and have to look like some fucking loser that hasn't accomplished anything by the age of 26.

It always makes me feel so embarrassed to go to these damn things where there are so many people that I don't even know, but seem to know of me, and always someone who manages to ask a question about how my life is going, and I have to get all depressed and look stupid and say it's not going anywhere. Everyone has something good to talk about except me. It makes me want to jump off a god damned bridge when I'm forced to face how lame I am to a bunch of successful middle-class people.

Anyway, it's tomorrow at 3pm and I don't wanna go. I mean, I love LOVE food and generally love the atmosphere of a cookout, but not when I'm in bad living shape and want to avoid confronting people. I'm the type of person that doesn't like anyone to see me sweat or see me doing badly, and I don't like for people to know I'm a good for nothing failure. So I don't want to go. I don't have anything in common with these people, nothing to talk about with them, and I always end up just sitting in a room by myself watching a movie or something being quiet, or being embarrassed by some shit my mother would say about me to everyone making me seem even more pathetic which is more reason why I hate her ass and hate going near her or anywhere she is.

God I just hate all of this, and really don't wanna go. But I want to eat... I don't know what to do. I just hate these family events. :lone:

GOOD LORD I just don't want to do this! I hate it so so much.

 

[boo]

Try not to think too much about it. I hate reunions too. I Just stare at the plate the whole time.

 

[skyisburning]

It sounds like from what you said that you already have a degree of some sort and just haven't gone on to law school (forgive me if I read that wrong and you don't have a degree)...which means you aren't a failure in the slightest. Hell, I don't even think attending college determines whether or not you're a success or a failure. The problem is that, in this day and age, people have set the bar by saying that college is sort of the passing requirement for an adult to have a good life.

To be honest though, I know plenty of folks, young and old, who have had extremely successful and fulfilling lives without even graduating from high school, let alone college. I know this probably still isn't helping to cheer you up, and I understand your frustration (I go to college, but I'm a theatre major which means everyone thinks I'm going to be poor and pathetic) but I really just don't let it bother me. I say, fuck everyone, I'm going to do my own thing and they'll just have to be okay with it.

And I understand the food thing, lol. My family still has this God awful family reunion every year, and it's the same shit there, but my God, the food is so GOOD. It's really just up to you...if you think you can shrug off another event like this and just be like, "Yeah, I'm not in law school. Fuck off." *shuffles off to buffett* haha...then you should go. But if it's going to have some prolonged mental and emotional suffering on you, then don't go.

Sorry that was jumbled...I hope it maybe helps a bit.

 

[IV2010]

If it's gonna be so upsetting to you then I don't think you should go....
I've always been like you and thought I should make an appearance at family things no matter what but my new councelor put me straight and said..
"you don't have to do anything you don't want to do".....
or maybe you could go eat and then leave as soon as you can...
just don't put yourself through anymore cr**......

 

[WildCherry]

Oh God, I HATE family functions too, for some of the same reasons. I feel your pain!!

 

[Stranger1]

If you go hold your head high.. Just because you dropped law school doesn't mean shit.. Your still young so try another degree in something else..My family looks down on me because I am on disability but I just hold my head high because I know I have an illness and I am not ashamed..I have learned that much in therapy..Like the others said you can always go for the food and then leave..

 

[Prinnctopher's Belt]

It went okay. I just stayed away from large crowds and mostly stayed around people I knew wouldn't talk to me with their bragging shit, and it was there in abundance. Had to hear about people whose kids were going to University of Chicago and another one bragging about her sister being an anesthesiologist "making big money" and another playing ball at Georgetown and everyone all happy go lucky and shit. But no one really talked to me past hello so it was alright.

But one old woman did ask me when do I graduate high school; I just smiled because this is a common question and people always mistake me for being far, far younger than I am because of my beautiful and gorgeous, youthful self. I said "almost ten years ago" and she said, oh, well when do you graduate from college? I said "oh..im finished that too"..and so on, but it didn't get too invasive because I just kept eating and acting uninterested in everything she said.

I had ribs, cabbage, doubled eggs, macaroni and cheese, a grilled hamburger and spicy half smoke, and a piece of cake. Oh and some bangin' homemade tea, and half a can of orange soda. Brought back home some ribs and rabbit. All the food went so fast! There were at least 40-50 people. I was hot tomale PISSED because we ended up leaving right in the middle of the first quarter of the Lakers game, but I got back home in time to see the last half of the second quater, so it wasn't so bad.

 

[WildCherry]

Aarrrrgh, that list of food made me hungry. Thanks for that! :P Glad you got through it though. I have to go to a family reunion on the Fourth of July, and I'm NOT looking forward to it!

 

[IV2010]

well done C.J. ...you did it...s*

 

[stuckinchicago6]

I couldn't agree with you more! I hate all these family get togethers as well.

 

[stuckinchicago6]

By the way, I am in debt too and I am probably going to force myself to be in more debt because I need out of Chicago asap. I just need to take a chance and change. I always misplace my statement and now I have three late payments on this one card. I just took out money out of my savings to pay for summer classes too. Sucks so bad. My mother is in lots of debt now and my father doesn't help, so I had to pay for my own school. Very sad. Even the cheapest worst parents still pay for their kid's education. I don't have a job so my savings account is all I have. I really didn't want to touch it.

Anyway, hope things get better for you soon. You seem like an intelligent person and I really enjoyed reading your post. I almost felt as if I could have written it myself.