Goodbye Granma

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by dying_inside, Nov 5, 2014.

  1. dying_inside

    dying_inside Well-Known Member

    My granma died this morning. she was almost 91. she lived a long troubled but also happy life.

    I feel the need to tell everyone i know about her death because i feel like i am honoring her and the loss i feel by talking about it. i do it both to share my pain and because i feel that if i didnt talk about it it would mean its not that an important event in my life.

    she suffered of a heart attack 5 weeks ago and spent this whole time at the hospital. i went to visit her almost every day. i really did my best to help her, make her smile, make her feel important and loved. i always made sure to leave her with a goodnight kiss and telling her i loved her.

    my regret is that the other day i told her i would pass by and greet her yesterday night, then plans changed and i was supposed to go visit her today at lunch. i didnt pass by yestreday night as i said i would. my mom went to visit her so she wanst alone, but still... i had told her i would have passed by and i didnt. i could have made it but since i was supposed to go today at lunch i thought i could avoid the stress of going for only say hi and stay longer today. i didnt make it. she died a couple of hours before visit time.

    they called from hospital to warn us we better go there, but she dies so quicky we didnt make it. at least she didnt suffer but im sorry i didnt go yesterday night as i said and we didnt make it today to be with her during her last monents of life.

    i know she loved me and im sure she knew i loved her. i thought that would be enough. i thought i was prepared. we knew it could have happened any time since she was at the hospital. i thought doing everything right could have somehow kept me from feeling so much pain. it helps but its still hard. i know it will fade, but its hard now.

    i hope she is fine now and we'll meet again after death.

    Thank you granma for everything. i love you and you'll always be in my heart.
    Rest In Peace.

    Thanks for reading. it means a lot to me.

    Hugs to everyone going through the pain of a loss of a loved one
  2. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    So sorry for your loss. It's sad when you lose a close relative. Take care. X
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You cared for your grandma she knows you loved her very much and she left peacefully with that love from you and others inside her heart hugs to you
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I'm sorry for your loss! :( You clearly cared about her so much and she knew that hun, she knew...don't beat yourself up about anything! I hope the days that follow are not too difficult for you and if they are we are here for you! :hug:

    R.I.P to a wonderful loving grandma!
  5. dying_inside

    dying_inside Well-Known Member

    Thank you all very much. it means a lot to me.

    Im trying to think she wouldnt want me to feel bad because i didnt pass by yesterday night as i said i would. im sure she wasnt offended or hurt and she knew i would have gone visit her the day after, so she didnt feel abandoned also because my mom was there, but still i didnt keep my word even if i could have. this is hard to accept. even more so since i was always super very careful not to have regrets. i never wanted something like this to happen and it did. i hate it.

    i just thought that since my mom was there and i was going to see her today it would have been almost useless for me to just pass by to just say hi. she wasnt doing so bad we expected it this suddenly. even the docs this morning didnt expect it since she had breakfast. it just happened so suddenly. we didnt have the time to get there after they called, even though we were there in 10 mins.

    on the other side, the last visit was nice. at least, i have that nice memory of the last time i saw her alive. im thankful for this and for i had the strenght to see her this morning. it was the first time i saw a dead person. it was hard but im glad i did it and got to say goodbye, almost in time. i dont know if i believe in it, but i hope her soul was there hearing me talking to her one last time.

    thank you for your support.
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    You are welcome hun and if there is anything at all I can do for you to help I will.

    No regrets hun, she wasn't expected to pass so soon, if you knew she was passing away you would have been there and I am sure she knew that. I am really glad that the last memory you have of being with her is a pleasant one, memories are forever....her memory will live on :) I understand your very last sentence there but if it makes you feel better do talk to her, it might be comforting, big hugs! :hug:
  7. dying_inside

    dying_inside Well-Known Member

    Thanks. the funeral is on tuesday. i better not think about it. for now it all seems pretty unreal. but im glad i was able to cry on yesterday. it helped.
    Thanks! hugs :hug:
  8. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    You are so very welcome hun. It will be a tough and trying few days but you will get through it. Glad you have felt some sense of relief from crying/ Big hugs, we're always here :)
  9. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Following up with you..... how are you feeling today hun? Never forget you have us for support when things IRL get too bad. :hug:
  10. dying_inside

    dying_inside Well-Known Member

    Thank you again Petal, you're very kind.

    these days its like i've lived in a limbo. trying to distract myself without pushing away memories as they came though. no more tears... it all still seems unreal. i often think about telling her what a weird sad nightmare i had about her dying. then i realize it was not a nightmare. but it still feels like that. sometimes it feels as if she is on vacation and we'll meet again soon, especially on christmas. then reality kicks in but its some sort of "soft" reality, as if it could be changed somehow. weird.

    There is her funeral tomorrow. im afraid of that. afraid of everything becoming real, of my feelings, of my family's feelings. i dont want other people see me cry and sob like i did at the hospital that day. i cant believe its been a week since i last spoke with her, for the last time... anyway i think its good that i can FEEL now rather than being numb and dragging the grieving for longer. still scared about tomorrow....
  11. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    It's ok to cry as that releases the emotion you feel. If you cry tomorrow it will help you grieve better than bottling it all up. Make sure you have an early night tonight as tomorrow will be tough. There is nothing wrong in showing your emotions. People, fingers crossed, will understand and be caring towards you. My heart goes out to you but be strong tomorrow and take care.
  12. dying_inside

    dying_inside Well-Known Member

    Thank you,

    the funeral went well... as much as a funeral can... i cried and sobbed but also did and say all that i wanted to still do and say so it felt like a good closure. i still have that regret of not going visit her when i said i would but i have a lot of other postive memories and things that went well, and i also know she wouldnt blame me for not going so its almost ok.

    there were good suppotive people around and that helped a lot too. after the coffin was closed it was easier. i could imagine her soul separated from her body and now she is in heaven whatever that means. her soul is still alive and in peace and happy and with those who loved her and that she loved and they are all together watching over us. this is what i want to believe.

    on the other side, it still doesnt seem completely real. this morning, while we were walking to the place, i saw an old lady and automatically thought i was glad granma was there with us in this difficult family time. then i realized it wasnt possible. i still think she'll come over for chrsitmas and things like that... i think that it will be at Christmas that i'll finally realize she isnt around here anymore. but i dont mind if it happens slowly. i think the worst part of it, the funeral, is gone. im glad i survived it and it went as well as it could have gone.

    as for my regret, i know she would say it doesnt matter, that i was there all the time and she knows i love her. i also think in the past i could have done more for her, but i also know its easy to think this way after a while and after her death... so i'll try to remember and remind myself the good things because i know they do matter. she knew i loved her and i know she loved me and maybe thats what counts the most and its enough.i hope so.

    of course i have thought about suicide, to spare myself the pain of going through this or worse with my parents death, or life in general, but for now im surviving, coping ok, and of course i would never intenionally put my family though another funeral soon after this one. especially since our family now is reduced to the four of us (me, parents and brohter). i guess i'll live... as my granma would say... this is life....

    thank you very much for your support.
  13. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Your welcome as keep posting for the support you deserve. You are IMPORTANT and NEVER FORGET THAT.
  14. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Big hugs to you honey, thinking of you. She may be gone but memories last forever. I'm glad you say you are coping at least. The death of a loved one is always overwhelmingly intensely saddening, but you can and will get through it all. Bless you, you are very brave.
  15. dying_inside

    dying_inside Well-Known Member

    Thank you!

    Now i find it weird and rather cold of me to not be thinking much about her and crying only when i see her belongings or sometimes when talking about her with my family. i feel like i should think about her more and cry more. i feel wrong and guilty for not being more sad and upset. to a certain degree it still doesnt seem real, but still... have i already ovecome it? after less than 2 weeks? does it mean i didnt love her enough?

    what do you think?
  16. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi again, of course it doesn't mean you didn't love her enough. Everyone grieves differently and copes with the death of a close one differently. While you find you may not be thinking of her now it still may arise again, it does not mean you didn't love her. Just that you are coping very well. Well done to you, so proud of you :hug:

    Petal x
  17. dying_inside

    dying_inside Well-Known Member

    Thanks. i just feel i have found peace with the thought she is with my other granparents, doing fine, happy and in peace, and i dont have to worry about her anymore. she may not be here anymore and i'll miss her for sure, but i feel now in a way she is Always with me and we still will meet again one day. so i dont see it as a real separation and anway it is only temporary.

    i love the quote "Death ends life, not a relationship" - Albom Mitch.

  18. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Glad it went all well and you and your grandma at peace. She will always be in your heart and that's what is important to remember. Cherish the good memories you had together. Keep safe and keep posting for support.
  19. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    That is wonderful that you have found peace! Best of luck to you in the future and may your granma rest in peace. We're here for you anytime.
  20. dying_inside

    dying_inside Well-Known Member

    Thank you! you've been really kind and supportive. heartfelt thanks!
    Best wishes and hugs!