Grandad.

[HappyKitty]

Dear SF.......

As I have posted here, my grandma on mum side passed away (2/5, 10.30pm) so very much unprepared. I am truly sorry if I am angry at anyone that attempts to give me emotional support cause do understand that anyone who grieve about their close family members do feel angry from time to time which is normal. And I thank @Gonz and others that supported me for making good memories with my grandpa on dad side while he was staying with me and while things are so stress atm and even then I'd still expect to continue staying with him as its planned. I just received news that he passed away an hour ago tonight. Covid seperated us. The fact that he still remembers me very well (he has dementia) on his last few days when I can't visit him at his nursing home, all the efforts to make good memories with him has paid off. I am crying with how much love I deserve from him. I planned to stay with either grandma / him, but neither lives and I've lost 2 closest family member in a month. I am only left with on grandpa, we won't know what happened but I am feeling so much anxiety that I'll be alone.

 

[Bluts]

I'm sorry to hear this happened. I know words can't fix anything or immediately make you feel better, but just know that you're not alone. you're always welcome on here and I hope you will be alright.

 

[HappyKitty]

I had options. To stay with grandad on dad / mum side. And I have been wishing to be on dad side cause it seem it would be difficult to stay on mum side after grandma's passing but now it looks like whether I like it or not, I do not have a choice.

 

[may71]

Hugs @HappyKitty

 

[KM76710]

Sad to hear the loss for your family...

 

[HappyKitty]

so happy to have christians gathered tgt attempt to express condolences, some even paid respect to grandpa accurately, while my grandpa is muslim. like is a beautiful thing to see many religion just gather together and be more harmonious. 😺💞

 

[FlamingoWrangler]

I am sorry for your loss.

 

[HappyKitty]

people keep saying they dont get a chance to be with their grandparents and that I should be greatful I get it, so this sentence is what pisses me off most like are you saying mine isn't as important? did you know how much time I spend helping to taking care of them while everyone is enjoying their life? do you know how lonely it can get like at least you're also so lucky that you are in relationship/ close parents/ family members still and is very ungreatfull. and like if they keep filtering their words "grandparents are definitely better than my parents too," I just want to murder them like as long as they dont express their grief about it, I don't see much. you don't know how many sacrifices I have made for them too.

 

[HappyKitty]

my grandparents do not actually care what I do, as long as they're happy with the things I am doing. what matters most is I am always 24/7 with them. grandparents do feel lonely too yano, so can you at least please try to imagine how much effort even for this little things to do so? like not make grandparents feel lonely while my parents have such hard time handling their own kids, neglecting me while my grandparents didn't hah!

 

[HappyKitty]

like fuck you, nobody is as close as me and my grandparents, they're mine!

 

[HappyKitty]

like these kinds of people just makes me exta lonelier while my home environment is already quiet and lonely. the minute I open up, everybody wants to make it all about themselves

 

[HappyKitty]

i dont know why I am so angry, theres support and everything but I am still so angry and irritable at everyone trying to help

 

[HappyKitty]

i do not remember shit that anyone gives me emotional support, im just gonna be mean and insensitive as fuck to your emotional baggage, especially the petty ones and definitely those that are soooo easily traumatised too

 

[HappyKitty]

like wtf do i even do now? my parents are such shit heads its not like im gonna return back to them, back to square one... ha? ha? ha?

 

[HappyKitty]

 

[HappyKitty]

its like this thought is running in my head:

in this cruel world, i wanted to stay with my grandparents on my mum side if she lives but no, then i had a choice - to stay with grandpa on dad/mum side. i was so scared to stay with mum side so I have been even so excited to look forward to stay on dad side, they even got helper for him and... even my grandpa on dad side didn't make it, he passed away yday so I've lost 2 grandparents in one month. and i hope things settled down soon, cause I am feeling like returning back to square one - like a lost teenager deciding where to stay and just so trying my best to not dwell in isolation, its so tempting and so hard to be kind to everyone while grief makes you feel so angry and not everyone is genuine. and the fact my grandparents are more involved than my parents in my life will forever confuse me.

 

[HappyKitty]

seeing my grandpa bed empty saddens me. and his stuffs and grandma memories is all at my house. hallucination and voices is real. 🥺

 

[HappyKitty]

the old feeling of sad vibe sometimes wishing to let him go when he keeps going back to the hospital back and forth and with the ambulance keep taking him back and forth too, suddenly seeing him gone like that just like that that feeling came true

 

[HappyKitty]

My grandpa doesn't dies here, he dies safely while my grandma doesn't, she dies at my house but it felt theres abit of a blessing somehow. The memories of witnessing grandma last moment at my house after her 30days, isn't so scary anymore especially knowing that I took care of them both well with both grandpa and grandma stuffs and memories still here. I am probably still hurt for feeling alone but I can let go of the scary feeling, as I am not fearing their memories anymore but their memories helped me feel even closer to them since I have been with them till the end and I do not want to forget about them. My grandpa birthday is just next month too! 🥺

 

[HappyKitty]

my grandpa stayed at my old apartment and the staff's over there has helped me and grandpa in time of need too, it is so hard to spread out the news like this 💔