I've reached a different level of low. Yes, ever since I was 14 I've dealt on and off with suicidal thoughts. For a long time, I couldn't decide on a method (won't mention any here), so basically never did anything or attempted anything because I couldn't bloody decide ! xD typical indecisive me. Anyways something triggered me really badly last Friday morning, and in my state of distress I ordered something online to hurt myself with. I did end up cancelling the order the day after, and I credit that change mostly due to my online support group - everyone was so kind, nobody was patronising, everyone just treated me like a person and it just meant so so much to me. it was a free service, and people were just kind, just because. Anyways, I really appreciate how they were, and i decided to fight my suicidal impulses so cancelled that order.
This week in therapy, it was a friday session and it felt like friday couldn't come quickly enough. I had so much on my mind. I told the therapist about the ordering from before, and how badly I felt. I was afraid she'd just pick up the phone and ring a hospital etc but she just asked me if I was going harm myself soon and I said no (true at the time). I told her at the end of the session that even though we were trying to just do fortnightly sessions due to financial reasons (she's fucking expensive), i told her for my own mental health I think i needed to go back to seeing her weekly. She agreed and asked me would I be okay financially and honestly i wasn't really, but I felt uncomfortable saying no so i just nodded with a yes. since then I've been thinking and overthinking about that issue around the cost. Part of me fears if i ask her to go lower and she refuses, that I'll take that personally and think she values money over my welfare , especially since she knows how low ive gotten. Part of me fears if she does go lower, she will provide less quality care than before since I'm not worth as much to her anymore.
I do think I will ask her if she could charge less, it would make a difference to me financially, it's not even like I make a lot of money from my job and i do have rent to pay now. I just worry about little things.
Last night I started thinking about killing myself again, all this suicidal ideation, so i picked up the phone and rang the national suicide hotline for crisis and self harm. I got a trained therapist professional, and I felt uncomfortable blurting out how bad things were immediately because I didn't know this guy , so i spent the first while on the phone talking about something related but not as bad. I did notice he started talking really slowly, enunciating his words like I was some sort of invalid or a child, but I trusted him, i just wanted to place my trust in somebody. Eventually after about 19 minutes he told me that he'd identified I wasn't self harming, or in a crisis and that he'd have to wind down the phone call so he could provide their proper services to other people ringing.
I felt really hurt, it was kind of like that saying where people kick you when you are already down. I got really distressed because i was vulnerable and tried to reach out and i was basically fobbed off. I ended up going on the chat here to pm and cry to people . I rang another helpline but they were full up so i had to wait for a third helpline to open, they opened their phonelines at 9pm, i rang in at 9.01, and i was bawling down the line at 9.02. and bless this girl who answered, she didn't know what to say ( that's okay), but i appreciated so much that she gave me her time, and that she wasn't trying to get me to hang up. I spoke and cried to her for about 30 mins before i felt embarassed and ended the call. During that initial state of extreme distress from the crisis hotline guy, i reordered that thing from last week to hurt myself with. I felt worthless, and i felt there was no point in trying anymore. After I finally did get through to someone on the other phoneline, and after speaking to people here in chat who gave up their own free time just to keep me company, i felt a bit worthwhile, and once again, made the (big) difficult decision to cancel the order. again.
i feel like for the next while at least, its going to be a whole grappling with life, a whole ordering and cancelling situation. i started making plans last night, and then eventually canceled them. I'm not going to lie, i don't think i have much to live for. i am alive for other people- because they would miss me, they would be sad etc. nothing is really in it for me. I know myself - i am a strong, resourceful young woman but i also have a stupidly fragile psyche. the world is hurtful, its too loud and it's not made for me. i know my challenges going forward. I am not confident in my ability to ride through them.
im having a few drinks tonight to take the edge off. not too much, but just enough to numb the pain at least for a few hours. nothing helps enough. i need more support and don't have it. i try to do my best but living is just so tiring and it's just so hard.
This is just my story.
This week in therapy, it was a friday session and it felt like friday couldn't come quickly enough. I had so much on my mind. I told the therapist about the ordering from before, and how badly I felt. I was afraid she'd just pick up the phone and ring a hospital etc but she just asked me if I was going harm myself soon and I said no (true at the time). I told her at the end of the session that even though we were trying to just do fortnightly sessions due to financial reasons (she's fucking expensive), i told her for my own mental health I think i needed to go back to seeing her weekly. She agreed and asked me would I be okay financially and honestly i wasn't really, but I felt uncomfortable saying no so i just nodded with a yes. since then I've been thinking and overthinking about that issue around the cost. Part of me fears if i ask her to go lower and she refuses, that I'll take that personally and think she values money over my welfare , especially since she knows how low ive gotten. Part of me fears if she does go lower, she will provide less quality care than before since I'm not worth as much to her anymore.
I do think I will ask her if she could charge less, it would make a difference to me financially, it's not even like I make a lot of money from my job and i do have rent to pay now. I just worry about little things.
Last night I started thinking about killing myself again, all this suicidal ideation, so i picked up the phone and rang the national suicide hotline for crisis and self harm. I got a trained therapist professional, and I felt uncomfortable blurting out how bad things were immediately because I didn't know this guy , so i spent the first while on the phone talking about something related but not as bad. I did notice he started talking really slowly, enunciating his words like I was some sort of invalid or a child, but I trusted him, i just wanted to place my trust in somebody. Eventually after about 19 minutes he told me that he'd identified I wasn't self harming, or in a crisis and that he'd have to wind down the phone call so he could provide their proper services to other people ringing.
I felt really hurt, it was kind of like that saying where people kick you when you are already down. I got really distressed because i was vulnerable and tried to reach out and i was basically fobbed off. I ended up going on the chat here to pm and cry to people . I rang another helpline but they were full up so i had to wait for a third helpline to open, they opened their phonelines at 9pm, i rang in at 9.01, and i was bawling down the line at 9.02. and bless this girl who answered, she didn't know what to say ( that's okay), but i appreciated so much that she gave me her time, and that she wasn't trying to get me to hang up. I spoke and cried to her for about 30 mins before i felt embarassed and ended the call. During that initial state of extreme distress from the crisis hotline guy, i reordered that thing from last week to hurt myself with. I felt worthless, and i felt there was no point in trying anymore. After I finally did get through to someone on the other phoneline, and after speaking to people here in chat who gave up their own free time just to keep me company, i felt a bit worthwhile, and once again, made the (big) difficult decision to cancel the order. again.
i feel like for the next while at least, its going to be a whole grappling with life, a whole ordering and cancelling situation. i started making plans last night, and then eventually canceled them. I'm not going to lie, i don't think i have much to live for. i am alive for other people- because they would miss me, they would be sad etc. nothing is really in it for me. I know myself - i am a strong, resourceful young woman but i also have a stupidly fragile psyche. the world is hurtful, its too loud and it's not made for me. i know my challenges going forward. I am not confident in my ability to ride through them.
im having a few drinks tonight to take the edge off. not too much, but just enough to numb the pain at least for a few hours. nothing helps enough. i need more support and don't have it. i try to do my best but living is just so tiring and it's just so hard.
This is just my story.
