My mind appreciates the space to dump this out.
I am not who I used to be. I miss her.
Illness that is not treatable and will end up killing me has impacted me and the manifested towering alteration has been insomnia I've had for about 4 years. Some time before I showed up in the forum. I have no doubt it's a result of a disease process I have. Practicing doctors are just clueless of the connection even though it's written in endless medical reports. It keeps me in a state of fatigue most of the time. The occasional 2 or 3 times a month I sleep until 6 or 7 am I wake up like my old connected self. With an energetic spark to bring into the day. It's amazing the difference it makes mentally, emotionally, spiritually and so with my perceptions of self and the world.
It has changed my personality; how I engage with others, how I think and process. Some decisions and choices I make take more time and are harder that shouldn't be. It takes energy to engage now. The body and the brain are so integrated and it has become apparent I can't give the body the support it needs. I've tried now with more approaches I can count, thrown treatments and money at it all. It's a lost cause.
Western doctors don't understand or help. The Eastern practitioners understand but can't seem to help. The sleeping aid I finally acquired months ago that took months to obtain does it's job of giving 4 hours of medicated "sleep" but not the kind needed for systems revitalization. It has saved me from losing my sanity completely though. I did have a 12 day episode 14 months ago with no sleep at all and would have ctb if I had not acquired some type of intervention. I just appear to be stuck with the issue now until I die. Sleep hygiene is not lacking. A long list of supports are still used or have been sufficiently tried. And I never have been able to nap which is now a need.
My brain although continuing to prove it has more capacity than I give it credit for these days, really has been affected. I can't mentally keep up with people like I used to for more than a short time. I'm too fatigued. It just fucks up thought process. It is what makes me feel and come across as impaired. The substantial number of people that happen to be around my age in the group I've recently joined related to nature and conservation and community are still brilliant and beautifully communicative on topic and able to integrate info and knowledge and use the related technology like a second skin. I've watched now for 2 months. I'm not going to be able to keep up or be a productive part of it. It is having a two fold impact....I'm being exposed to information and experience I deeply enjoy but it's being mirrored in various ways that I don't have the capacity to keep up. And I've asked enough questions. My lens could be affecting this all. Who knows.
So I'm on my own with this. Feeling washed out all the time is an intolerable state. I want to energetically go and do and be and play still on a daily basis. And I can't show up that way anymore consistantly. Thinking stays muddy and it's obviously the reason I have some anxiety. And so want to usually just stay away from others.
All this strongly appears to be from the sleep deprivation.
I have to accept this state of being. Of being bone weary tired. I've fought it for so long because it feels like it would be the end of me to not do so. It is representing an active aspect of a drawn out dying process to me. I don't want this many years of nonexistence while doing it. Especially with the being alone. But it finally feels like fighting with it, instead of being a potential source of movement to manifest if I was 'victorious', is only an additional constant drain of energy. I'm burned out from the fight. And from having to think about it.
So grief might be an accurate term, something needing to be embraced. Or is it just acceptance. All I want to do is sleep. And I can't. And it's only 7 in the morning.
I am not who I used to be. I miss her.
Illness that is not treatable and will end up killing me has impacted me and the manifested towering alteration has been insomnia I've had for about 4 years. Some time before I showed up in the forum. I have no doubt it's a result of a disease process I have. Practicing doctors are just clueless of the connection even though it's written in endless medical reports. It keeps me in a state of fatigue most of the time. The occasional 2 or 3 times a month I sleep until 6 or 7 am I wake up like my old connected self. With an energetic spark to bring into the day. It's amazing the difference it makes mentally, emotionally, spiritually and so with my perceptions of self and the world.
It has changed my personality; how I engage with others, how I think and process. Some decisions and choices I make take more time and are harder that shouldn't be. It takes energy to engage now. The body and the brain are so integrated and it has become apparent I can't give the body the support it needs. I've tried now with more approaches I can count, thrown treatments and money at it all. It's a lost cause.
Western doctors don't understand or help. The Eastern practitioners understand but can't seem to help. The sleeping aid I finally acquired months ago that took months to obtain does it's job of giving 4 hours of medicated "sleep" but not the kind needed for systems revitalization. It has saved me from losing my sanity completely though. I did have a 12 day episode 14 months ago with no sleep at all and would have ctb if I had not acquired some type of intervention. I just appear to be stuck with the issue now until I die. Sleep hygiene is not lacking. A long list of supports are still used or have been sufficiently tried. And I never have been able to nap which is now a need.
My brain although continuing to prove it has more capacity than I give it credit for these days, really has been affected. I can't mentally keep up with people like I used to for more than a short time. I'm too fatigued. It just fucks up thought process. It is what makes me feel and come across as impaired. The substantial number of people that happen to be around my age in the group I've recently joined related to nature and conservation and community are still brilliant and beautifully communicative on topic and able to integrate info and knowledge and use the related technology like a second skin. I've watched now for 2 months. I'm not going to be able to keep up or be a productive part of it. It is having a two fold impact....I'm being exposed to information and experience I deeply enjoy but it's being mirrored in various ways that I don't have the capacity to keep up. And I've asked enough questions. My lens could be affecting this all. Who knows.
So I'm on my own with this. Feeling washed out all the time is an intolerable state. I want to energetically go and do and be and play still on a daily basis. And I can't show up that way anymore consistantly. Thinking stays muddy and it's obviously the reason I have some anxiety. And so want to usually just stay away from others.
All this strongly appears to be from the sleep deprivation.
I have to accept this state of being. Of being bone weary tired. I've fought it for so long because it feels like it would be the end of me to not do so. It is representing an active aspect of a drawn out dying process to me. I don't want this many years of nonexistence while doing it. Especially with the being alone. But it finally feels like fighting with it, instead of being a potential source of movement to manifest if I was 'victorious', is only an additional constant drain of energy. I'm burned out from the fight. And from having to think about it.
So grief might be an accurate term, something needing to be embraced. Or is it just acceptance. All I want to do is sleep. And I can't. And it's only 7 in the morning.
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