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Half my family died and I couldn't cry...

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by ThePhantomLady, Aug 24, 2015.

  1. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    Within a few years of my older teenage and early twenties half of my family and family friends died; most of cancer.

    This is going to make me sound like a cold sociopath, but I actually had to stop going to the funerals... I couldn't handle being there. Firstly, I was expected to go to the funeral of the mother to the man who raped me when I was 13, I actually made myself sick so I didn't have to.
    Then a widow at a wake looked at me and didn't mean for me to hear it when she said "It's such a shame someone so young have to experience so much death"

    I just decided that was it, I couldn't face more funerals. And not just because they were difficult for me (when is a funeral ever truly easy??) but I didn't want people to feel that way about me. Her husband had died, and she was worried about me!!

    I recently realized that looking back I didn't cry once about all of it. I don't cry easily in public. (might have something to do with mummy telling me as a kid "you're ugly when you cry")... but what worries me is that I've cried my eyes out for fictional characters and famous people dying. My childhood hero died in 2009 when I was 19 and I grieved, I still grieve the loss to be honest.

    Why couldn't I cry for my own family?
  2. RainThunder

    RainThunder Member

    I didn't cry when my Dad died either. My physical health was terrible, I was going through things. Yeah, I'm not a cryer in part because I was always told what a wimp I am, and when my older sisters were"awful" , lets just say awful, one of them told me she did it because I cried. well, actually even back then I did not cry.

    There is not reason to believe that you should cry if crying DID NOT bring comforting. Most people who go around crying don't get hurt for doing so, they get hugs and warmth. You probably were not given hugs for crying, so its very normal and absolutely healthy that you don't express that way in those situations.

    I know that I can even get teary for some really touching commercials, but this is a totally different level of interaction, so of course I express differently. Some things are safe, some things haven't been safe. I think its just an adaption.

    I was looking at a different thread you'd made, and then this stood out to me.
    Because it is such a shame that you had to go through so much death. And you are deserving of empathy and care. From people who don't want anything from you, at no cost. And I think its normal that she said this, even though you may not have been used to experiencing it.

    How can someone cry if they have no true expectation of being comforted? I'm trying to figure our how to have more self-empathy myself.

    Just tonight, I just realized I was beating up on myself over something that happened to me. I thought I felt anxiety about having been duped. But, then I answered a thread and realized I have anxiety because I am angry at myself for being duped. It helps to realize this. Just like it helps me to realize that I am reacting NORMALLY by not crying. I can only imagine how much worse I would feel if someone also pointed out how ugly I was when I cried. What an opposite reaction to someone crying than you would expect. jmho
  3. I lost my younger brother through a horrible rifle accident about 5 years ago. I couldn't cry when it happened and I was there as he passed. I doubt I've come to any closure over the matter. but I think that the closer you are to someone the more it shocks you when it happens. And sometimes that shock lasts a long time. And I used to cry empathizing with characters in movies or books as well. Sometimes still do, but I can't seem to cry when it involves my little brother. Even tho my family has been supportive.