Within a few years of my older teenage and early twenties half of my family and family friends died; most of cancer. This is going to make me sound like a cold sociopath, but I actually had to stop going to the funerals... I couldn't handle being there. Firstly, I was expected to go to the funeral of the mother to the man who raped me when I was 13, I actually made myself sick so I didn't have to. Then a widow at a wake looked at me and didn't mean for me to hear it when she said "It's such a shame someone so young have to experience so much death" I just decided that was it, I couldn't face more funerals. And not just because they were difficult for me (when is a funeral ever truly easy??) but I didn't want people to feel that way about me. Her husband had died, and she was worried about me!! I recently realized that looking back I didn't cry once about all of it. I don't cry easily in public. (might have something to do with mummy telling me as a kid "you're ugly when you cry")... but what worries me is that I've cried my eyes out for fictional characters and famous people dying. My childhood hero died in 2009 when I was 19 and I grieved, I still grieve the loss to be honest. Why couldn't I cry for my own family?