Hate these thoughts...

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by SaraRose, Jan 24, 2012.

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  1. SaraRose

    SaraRose Well-Known Member

    So on the way to work I was speeding a little too fast >_> But that's not the problem. When I came to a natural turn I felt the steering wheel shake a little as my car protested the turn (I've always taken it at this speed, no biggie). And for a second I smiled at the exhilerating thought that I could easily let go of the wheel and have a pretty good chance at letting my car slam into the pole. Granted I'd never end my life with a car accident. I'd feel HORRIBLE (even in death), if I caused another person's death while doing something like that.

    But this year has just been filled with several times that I've thought stuff like that. Walking in my parking lot at the apartment I realize that 'this car is going fast enough, perhaps if I just jumped.'

    I wouldn't kill myself; the promise I made my friend is still too fresh in my mind and I can't let her down, I'm the one person who's stayed with her through everything. I'm not actively thinking of it. But at the same time the THOUGHTS just keep circling my mind. This year is only 24 days old but it's already been a hell filled one. I have music or tv going all of the time just to drown out the quiet.

    And as if it's not all bad enough I got my 3RD letter reminding me that 'why yes you have no insurance right now!' As if I didn't know that already! >_< And on top of everything else NOW I have a tooth ache. Hopefully the tylenol pms kick in soon so the pain will fade. GAH I just don't get why this year hates me so much already! :sigh:
     
  2. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    I have feelings like that sometimes too, like I could just easily end it. But I try to stay positive and distract myself from those thoughts. It can be hard but I take it one day at a time. Sorry about your toothache, I don't have insurance either so it sucks being sick and not being able to get treatment for it. It sucks that your year hasn't been that great so far, but I hope things will get better for you soon.
     
  3. SaraRose

    SaraRose Well-Known Member

    Thanks. I just keep hoping that it gets better. Right now I've gotten to the point that I just constantly have some show on my laptop to drown out the silence.
     
  4. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    As long as it helps to distract you from suicidal thoughts, I think that's a good thing.
     
  5. crystalclear

    crystalclear Well-Known Member

    aww.. Im sorry you feel that way... If that promise you made to your friend is keeping you alive, then i say please hold on to it... Besides, the year is still fresh a lot of things can still happen maybe it would get better.. :hug:
     
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