Hating the days when suicide makes sense

[foundlostsoul]

Hi, everyone. I'm having a day when it feels like suicide makes sense. When what's ahead of me looks like nothing but hardship and pain. I hate it. My world is so small. I just want to die today. It all seems so pointless. I feel exhausted and overwhelmed and I hate it. There's no point in continuing. Doesn't feel that way anyway. It seems like the point of life is to survive until I die. And in that case, why not just die? I'm just full of doubt, shame, dysphoria, self-loathing, sadness. Nothing in my life is practically worth looking forward to. I just fucking give up. I'm not gonna kill myself I don't think, but I sure would love it if some accident did it for me, and painlessly.

 

[may71]

I'm sorry that you're suffering so much.

I'm having a day when it feels like suicide makes sense

Is it mostly this one day, and other days have been much better, or is it a particularly bad day among many bad days?

 

[foundlostsoul]

I'm sorry that you're suffering so much.

Is it mostly this one day, and other days have been much better, or is it a particularly bad day among many bad days?

I think it's been especially overwhelming the past two or three days. I think I've been repressing my suicidality since my last therapist withheld trans healthcare from me because of poor mental health when all the evidence in the world is that transition mitigates adverse mental health in trans people.

 

[may71]

I'm sorry it's been so bad. I wish your therapist would change their mind about trans healthcare.

 

[foundlostsoul]

I fired her. I have a new therapist. I got my letters of support from someone else as well.

 

[foundlostsoul]

We'd been working together for almost two years. It was time for a change, anyway.

 

[foundlostsoul]

i'm honestly struggling to find a reason to keep going. i spent my whole life pleasing others and performing "happy healthy boy/man" that i don't even know who i am beyond being a woman. it's so exhausting though. and like, 'people will miss you if you kill yourself' seems so silly when i'm try to get over living my life for other people. what if what makes sense to me is to die?

my new therapist for the first several sessions would ask a series of standard questions, including, 'do you think you'd be better of dead?' and 'do you think something bad might happen to you at any time?' and, like, yeah, that's a distinct possibility for question (1) and absolutely for question (2).

 

[foundlostsoul]

like, yeah, the people listed in my safety plan would be sad. lots of people are sad. their sadness wouldn't be my responsibility. plus i'd be dead so why should i fucking care?

 

[may71]

Usually there's a way out other than suicide, one that makes you glad you're not dead. This is what makes suicide a tragedy.

When are you scheduled to see your new therapist again? Do you think you'll be safe at least until then?

 

[foundlostsoul]

I've already started seeing them, and a psych np and their practice.

 

[foundlostsoul]

Next appt. is Tuesday.

 

[foundlostsoul]

We've been doing mindfulness work, which I think is just unlocking all this pain I've been burying since I fired my last therapist. Can't be suicidal if I want care, am I right /s.

 

[foundlostsoul]

I get it that I have to face this shit to get past it, but I've been facing my internalized transphobia for decades. when do i win? when does it end?

 

[foundlostsoul]

I'll be ... physically safe from harm ... until my appointment. I don't have the means to kill myself in a way that I'm inclined to use.

 

[may71]

We've been doing mindfulness work, which I think is just unlocking all this pain I've been burying since I fired my last therapist.

That's often the double bind with therapy. You have to talk about past traumas to work them out, but the pain of digging it all up is often more than someone can tolerate.

 

[foundlostsoul]

That's often the double bind with therapy. You have to talk about past traumas to work them out, but the pain of digging it all up is often more than someone can tolerate.

I mean, I'd thought I'd done that when I addressed my personal trauma (childhood suicide attempt, childhood sexual abuse), but now, I'm realizing I still have the trauma common to so many trans people to address. And to be clear, I knew I was a girl before my childhood suicide attempt or the later childhood sexual abuse. The bullying that follow ed me realizing I was a girl led to that suicide attempt. That suicide attempt failing led me to live a life where I believed my wants and needs didn't matter, which facilitated the childhood sexual abuse (at the hands of an older but still underage family member).

 

[foundlostsoul]

The response I got from that childhood suicide attempt was a single session with the school psychologist.

 

[foundlostsoul]

Also, may71, thank you so so much for listening to me <3

 

[may71]

The response I got from that childhood suicide attempt was a single session with the school psychologist.

It sounds like they may have wanted to just check a box rather than do anything to really help you. I know that's a cynical view only based on a little bit of information, but things like that happen. There really ought to be more done to prevent and to treat child abuse.

That suicide attempt failing led me to live a life where I believed my wants and needs didn't matter

It's understandable that you'd have that reaction, but it's also a tragedy.

Also, may71, thank you so so much for listening to me <3

You're welcome!

 

[foundlostsoul]

It sounds like they may have wanted to just check a box rather than do anything to really help you. I know that's a cynical view only based on a little bit of information, but things like that happen. There really ought to be more done to prevent and to treat child abuse.

I called each of my parents a few years ago to confirm I tried to kill myself. My dad didn't remember it, which leads me to believe my mom never told my dad. Which probably explains a lot as to why I didn't get more help. My dad has really done so so much work on himself and I'm really proud of him and love the person he is today. He's not a perfect ally, but he's a least a 7.5/10. But the person he was back then? Negligent at best. And my mom was codependent in a way nobody ever should be with a pre-teen. This was also the mid-90s. Most people didn't know the word transgender, but plenty of people believed awful lies about "transsexuals" and "transvestites". (Though today there are people who are reclaiming the term transsexual and I support them in that effort. I even occasionally use the term to describe myself.) It doesn't make the systemic neglect I experience acceptable. I'm not sure if it's better that there's an explanation or not.

It's understandable that you'd have that reaction, but it's also a tragedy.

God, sometimes I wish I "succeeded" that day. I'd have been saved from so much pain. I know on the whole, the world is a better place for my having been in it, but I'm not. My experience of my life has on the balance not been worth it. If someone could grant me the wish of having never been born, I'd take accept it. I also reflect on the statistic that 40% of trans adults attempted suicide in their lives, but I wonder how many trans people commit suicide where the only person who knows the victim is trans is the person themself.

You're welcome!