Have to handle this alone...

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by theVisionary, Jan 26, 2014.

  1. theVisionary

    theVisionary Member

    Hey guys, Im new here... and I guess Im sort of taking advantage of the people here. Its just I just wanna let it all out ya know?

    Well here goes...

    Im a loner... self imposed. It sucks being alone in school but I guess its inevitable to be like this since at my college, im very odd. Im okay in english but I tend to be less artful than my peers (though I can adapt). My course by the way is AB Language- English.

    No one there in our department sticks- by stick I mean will be able to understand. Or simply someone I will like...

    I pick people... I guess thats my problem... Its something I do ever since... only now, Im more picky... after being left behind, betrayed 5 or 6 times (I did not count... got tired)


    Then cheer leading came. I joined for the intramurals since I think it might not be boring I guess. Im in the evening class by the way, so the team Im on is the Evening program. Im with the other evening classes in my university and well in cheer leading, I get to meet more people.

    Here comes Kyel. The first time I saw him, I became attracted... the first time I get to know him, I see him as someone dangerous- my crush was gone... this time he's a threat. He's the person I would like to hang out with. I tried staying away from him.

    ...I guess the universe has other plans...

    Since for some random reason, the cheercoach made us partners in baskets. Its confusing actually since he's taller and stronger, highly incompatible. Yet We had chemistry I guess, and later we became close (in my point of view).

    Before I met him, I was very silent (as noted by my collegemates) now, Im like me. He brings out the real me...

    Then came my fondness, I always bring food for him. He's in ab oarding house, so well I decided to bring viand and rice for the two of us so that we wont get to spend any more money and stuff. We alwyas hang...

    At prayers, we would giggle (since we dont pray... the only two).

    Cheerleader ended (we won the crowd but did not win)... and I got sad.

    Days later, I told him He's my best bud. He replied he would liek to try having a best bud too. I do not why he agreed, he would ahve let me down and stuff. Before htat during christmas, after the break i bought him a bag, a 8gb memory card and a shirt.

    He gave me a name call... "braah". It was the first nickname i ever had actually.

    Days later, classes began again, i became clingy and became aware of this. I told him bout this and somehow in my mistake it wasi n text. He seldom texts back you see and well Im always the one who texts or calls him.

    We calmed down after that when I had to force myself to be a man and shit.

    Now im feeling it again.

    Sometimes we would be happy talking to each other but the next day, he would be distant. During that time, I would notice I do the effort and stuff but I try ignoring it, lying to myself...

    He told me once about his past girl friend, that after months of dating he wanted it to end. He didnt break up with her, but made things so the girl could break up with him. HE told me too that his past exes have been like that. I think it was something he is hiding... that he is awkward like me... I am not sure

    Sometimes, I would be optimistic... those girls did not last with him because they did not know him. HE did told me he doesn't like texting. Maybe he was so distant that the girls got fed up?

    I sometimes think... that maybe he just needs space to recover... he also did tell me he is still adjusting (through text though) about this best friend stuff.

    It just hurts so much that during the days he is distant, when we were practicing cheerleading... when I would stand next to him, he moves away. When I send him a private message at facebook or at Steam.. or a text, he does not reply.

    I know should put my distance, and im doing it now. I jsut realized that unlike me, im not his whole world.

    He always appears in my dreams... and during the times I get hurt, when I have nothin to do. I think of death... what would happen if I killed myself? would he feel guilt? would he be affected? Sometimes I would imagine he wouldn't... sometimes he would and cry...

    Now Im trying to resist myself in telling everyone he's my best bud. So that I wont embarrass him. Im nothing, im ugly... Im unimportant

    The urges flick on and off... I just had to distract myself playing dota2... but sometimes it isnt enough you know?

    I do plan though about talking to him personally about this. I may have promised Id carry my own weight but I would want help from him. I am new too in this relationship...

    But also in my imagination, I would imagine several outcomes. One, he would end it at that time... and I would be too shocked to even realize I already <mod edit - methods>... Two, he wou;d respons albeit embarassingly (i would try to be private though for his sake and mine) bout helping me... and three, we would go on like nothin happened and later I would feel this pain again.

    Its a never ending pain actually. I already attempted suicide thrice I think (different causes)... none took it seriously. Anyways, I would be happy reading some replies... It busies me more while I await tomorrow...
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 26, 2014
  2. AnnieK

    AnnieK Well-Known Member

    hi there, and welcome. you don't ever have to handle anything alone ever. i thought i did too way back in college. i met and married the love of my life and he left me a year later. my whole world collapsed. i tried counseling available for free on campus. it worked sometimes, but my only focus was on getting him back or suicide. when i realized he wasn't coming back i had two major suicide attempts and was hospitalized. i started seeing therapists at that time and discovered i had borderline personality. terrified of being alone, yet push them away. whenever i crash it's always over a breakup. and i crash hard. but the only thing i know to tell you is that you don't have to do this alone. i was also drinking all that time and i went to AA for that part of it and it helped tremendously. they helped me file my divorce papers and taught me how to get on with life. i also have support online i rely on quite a bit. i have been in a serious depression for the last couple of years and it's frustration, because i want a quick fix. i started reaching out to more people out there and have been amazed at a couple of them that wanted to help. help me make phone calls for disability, aftercare [which i never got], help walk me to deliver paperwork or to the therapist, etc...because i'm having trouble getting out of the house. it's hard. i know the rejection of a man can devastate you. it does me. but here's the thing that i know you won't be able to hear right now, but there's always another man that comes along. always.
    men aren't the solution, but can help soothe the pain while you delve into self help groups or therapy or something else to see what's really going on with you. i hope i've helped a little. and trust me, from my experience, another man always comes along. it may take 6 weeks, 6 months a year, but they appear.
  3. theVisionary

    theVisionary Member

    thanks for reading.

    i think youre right... but this friend of mine. He's still not gone, I can still brign him back.

    problem is, i am not so sure if im at fault or he is. during that time, in the squad's open forum (where you let everything out), one common friend of our said that i have a problem with blaming everything at fault to myself...

    i plan on talking to him later this evening.., i know he'll listen. if i am important to him, he will and help me. I have been very considerate, i tried not telling everyone about our close friendship- i just dont want to embarrass him. he's really cool and i just have a feeling he is fond of me but not always. I think he has maybe some problems like me emotionally...

    maybe he is just not used to my closeness... people like him but always keep a distance from him. its either because he's distant too or simply he's different, but i love his difference, which made him be someone i want to hang out with.

    if everything goes alright later, my only problem now is how to not be obsessive... in which i think i am. sighs...

    again thanks for replying.
  4. AnnieK

    AnnieK Well-Known Member

    well i hope it goes alright and glad you have this other friend to talk to. that can do wonders to have an understanding friend. let me know how it goes.
  5. theVisionary

    theVisionary Member

    talked to him but i was right, i jsut need to relax and give him space. i ddint tell him everythign though, we had a momment of settlement when we rode a vehicle to our homes- jsut silence and somehow some convo...

    im okay now actually... but iknow from past experiences, the thoughts and stuff will return. in the meantime i guess i jsut have to enjoy life and etc. haha.
  6. theVisionary

    theVisionary Member

    well feeling of bein down returned last night... not even felt like playing dota2 so i stayed at school and watched my best friend's practice. i think most who knew me noticed my depression and stuff- i guess i was really quiet.

    i bothered him though, since well he tried to make convo's with me, which is odd since im the one usually initiating topics for him.

    i did tell him though bout condition and plan to elaborate it later... hope he udnerstands. jsut need someone to be with, he doesnt need to comfort me (that would be too much for him).

    oh and he wore the shirt i gave him for christmas... well the bag i gave him for christmas and well the shoes... he looked nice.
  7. lautanner

    lautanner Well-Known Member

    I was in a similar situation. I was a loner who fell in love with the wrong man. When it turned out that he didn't want me in his life anymore, I was devastated. What might help you is having friends......you have to talk to others about this. And also, depression is a very serious condition that can kill you. If you have a primary care physician, tell them you need anti-depressants (they make very mild ones now). If you are in pain, you cannot turn that pain inward, or you will keep wanting to die. I am not going to tell you that he's not worth it.....you already know that and I don't think that's the problem. When the pain gets so intense, you just want it to stop, no matter what it takes. Being alone is awful, there is no mistaking that. And everyone will tell you that you need to love yourself first, but I think that's a platitude and it means nothing to you at this point. You have to be alive. Just be. Good or bad, unhappy, miserable, frustrated, be all of those things until you are ready to treat yourself better.
  8. theVisionary

    theVisionary Member

    hello. so im here after a few months (or a year?)

    kyel was past. he used me i guess. or maybe he wanted to apologize but was shy or guilty. but i got passed that. i moved on.

    i dont have friends now, the recent ones was this club i joined, sacrificed my subjects for (got kicked out of uni in the process) (i did club paperworks/ spent money on lost club fees instead of final requirements of those subjects, not wise i tell you) didnt give a damn about me. < this was after kyel. lol

    so yeah pretty am a loner now, deleted my fb even. haha.

    but still, the lesson is that- you can get over people. like seriously.
    though my problem now is trusting people. i kinda became aromantic now. hahaha. oh well. and well a NEET/