Haven’t felt this way in a long time

[Parasiteofthistown]

It’s been quite a while since I’ve been this down. I thought it was all behind me. Didn’t realize I could fall back down so easily. Didn’t realize my mental health could spiral again when I was so… up.

I used to be suicidal more often in my 20’s but have been in therapy for 10 years and grew a lot. I really believed I was past it all.

Long story short - Been working a dead end job to make ends meet but I absolutely hate it. It’s a toxic environment and I don’t drink anymore to cope. Can’t do anything else that will pay that much. Started a business to try and make a life for myself and get out of the bar. Was doing great but it took a turn and I’m so burnt out from working so much and foregoing so much self care.. I’m starting to dream again of self deleting.

I’m so unbelievably exhausted. Every little thing feels like a mountain. I want to let it all go and just welcome death.

I carry this alone every day for fear of being institutionalized. Not even my therapist knows this part. It feels so good to say it.

 

[BlackSheep 007]

Well, I am now an old man. I had exactly your problem all my life: It goes well a while, then you fall. It may be different timing (from some weeks up to years)... But in the end: you will allways somehow return to point zero. I am sorry to say that, but its true. However: Please remember that you did find out once (or twice, not clear) - and this too will happen again. I lived it, I know it. So courage - you will stand up again, life will turn around. Look here, this is what we are like:



Hope is a good thing. Hope it heñps...

 

[Parasiteofthistown]

Well, I am now an old man. I had exactly your problem all my life: It goes well a while, then you fall. It may be different timing (from some weeks up to years)... But in the end: you will allways somehow return to point zero. I am sorry to say that, but its true. However: Please remember that you did find out once (or twice, not clear) - and this too will happen again. I lived it, I know it. So courage - you will stand up again, life will turn around. Look here, this is what we are like:

View attachment 76328

Hope is a good thing. Hope it heñps...

It actually does. Thank you for the perspective

 

[may71]

Hello and welcome to SF

I'm sorry that you're feeling so bad.

It feels so good to say it.

I'm glad there's that at least.

I hope thing can get better somehow.