Having a compulsive liar as a best friend

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by abbby, Aug 27, 2013.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. abbby

    abbby Member

    He was my boyfriend who ended up being my best friend. He has constantly cheated and constantly lied and I have always tried to be the better person by forgiving him and still helping him out despite of everything.

    He has problems of his own, I know. Although after learning he was cheating on me again this week, I think I have had just about enough. He acknowleges his mistakes after getting caught but seems to forget everything we just talked about after a while. He made me promise to always remind him of all the things we have talked about, all the progress we have made as a couple and as individuals, whenever he ends up in that dark place again.

    I want to be strong. But it has placed a great deal of stress and hurt and psychological toll on me. Am i just being fooled? Or should i never give up on my best friend? But how about my personal progress? I have issues of my own about myself and my family. I don't know what the right thing to do is. I cant move forward with him setting me back everytime he lies. But i cant move forward knowing that I gave up on my best friend, too. I cannot live knowing that my best friend is now all alone because everyone around him has already given up and stopped believing in him.
     
  2. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    Perhaps if he realies he is alone because people have stopped believing in him, perhaps then he will learn from his mistakes and will begin to be more honest with himself and others. I understand that this is difficult on you, but sometimes there is truth to that saying that if you really care about someone, you need to let them go. If there are no consequences, then he will never change. Maybe through this time alone he will come to take a lesson and return renewed and more honest. Just a thought.
     
  3. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    hi. I agree with what pickwithaustin said. I also think that it is essential that you choose yourself. Because he can never have a chance to be shaken into changing as long as you are choosing him over you. I think its called detaching with love. This can be a very important thing for you as well. An opportunity to have self respecting bounderies. It may be hard to do. But I do think its an important gift for you to give to yourself as well as for him. Telling someone that something is unacceptable and then going back doesnt put action behind the words.

    We teach by our actions. What are you teaching your friend if you stay and accept the unaccepatable? :hug: I know this is a hard one. But it is a great opportunity to choose healthier patterns. From everything I have heard and been taught these opportunities to do things differently will continue with one person or another until we can finally correct the pattern within ourselves. And this does free up the other person to also change. If they choose. :hug: oh and by the way, welcome to sf. I hope you will seek support and community here. I think its a great place for that
     
  4. Ima.robot

    Ima.robot Senior Member

    He will NOT change. He has it perfect right now if you think about it, he lies/cheats, you get mad for a bit and forgive him then once that blows over he will do it again, and again, and again. He knows you will forgive him or he can talk his way out of it, he knows this well. Time to move on or accept being lied to forever. The ONLY chance that he will change is doing what pickwithaustin said, let him go-cut contact. Either way let him go but must likely he will not change even if you do that I would move on before he hurts you again.
     
  5. Ima.robot

    Ima.robot Senior Member

    .........
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 27, 2013
  6. abbby

    abbby Member

    Today, I can do that. But i just wouldnt know what to do once the time comes when he reaches out again to tell me he wants to die and has been doing cocaine again to drown out all the sadness because of the relationships wiith his family and friends that failed because of his lying.
     
  7. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    If you keep allowing his perceived "guilt trip attitude" to keep reeling you back in, he'll get used to it and you'll end up not knowing whether you're coming or going.

    For me - were I in your shoes - I'd be considering not having an illegal drug user as a best friend. He'd be better of going to seek rehab/therapy/possibly medication, and I'd be sure to tell him either he ditches the drugs or he loses me as a friend.

    As you have rightfully said, you have issues too. And sometimes you need to be firm because you have to prioritise your own life, no one can live it for you.
     
  8. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    Even if he says he'll change, you can't trust that to be the truth because he's a compulsive liar. As long as you keep forgiving him, he'll keep lying and cheating. He thinks that he can get away with it because you let him. The only way to stop being hurt is to cut off ties with him. It may be hard, but you need to take care of yourself and make yourself the first priority.
     
  9. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Abby, sadly only he can help himself. If people keep saving him, they are really cheating him out of ever hitting bottom so he can start to rebuild a life. Here is a good idea for you. Can you possibly go to al-anon or narc-anon? They understand the dynamics of whats happening. They have been there themselves. I used to go to al-anon. And believe me there were people there who had friends or boyfriends who were drug users. not just alcoholics. its all the same thing. I really hope you can go. What happened for me is that I learned lots about myself too. It really is a very good and empowering program.
     
  10. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Abby, YOU deserve to be treated better than he is treating you. YOU have to be the most important person in YOUR life, Abby. Can you do that with him in your life? If you can, that's good. If he is hurting you too much, you perhaps have some choices to make.

    It is good to forgive people. It is the higher road and allows that a person can make a mistake and LEARN from it. However, BOTH parties have to end up on the same page if it's a relationship issue, imo. Forgiving doesn't mean going back for more of the same over and over. And as so many of us have noted, chances are that he is interpreting your forgiveness as "permission" to do it all over again. Sometimes we have to figure out if we can take more of the same, or is it better for us to stay or to move on? Only you can figure that out. If he doesn't realize that you have a cut off point with consequences for him and the relationship, I suspect he will likely do it again (people say "recent past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior"). A break, your leaving, some kind of real consequences to his actions might wake him up. Only you know what is best for you and what you can tolerate in the future.

    BTW, the cocaine use would be a deal breaker for me. In addiction/substance abuse situations, I think people can become slaves to their drug of choice and care more about getting their next fix than about their relationships. But that's just how I feel. How do you feel about it?
     
  11. abbby

    abbby Member

    It's ok. Just now, he just pointed out that it was all my fault. He didnt force me into giving him all that love and care and support, so it was my fault i gave all that. I didnt have to be a good friend when he needed help, so it was my fault i chose to do so. He was angry and cold because i was being all upset about him cheating and lying again, so it was my fault i couldnt move on that fast. He hit me because i was shouting, so it was my fault I cant control my feelings. He told me he didnt care if i stayed, as long as i dont ever get upset about the whole thing again, so its my fault he got tired.

    I'm tired. You think i'm not?
     
  12. abbby

    abbby Member

    I'm tired. I really am.
     
  13. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    And so, do you believe it is your fault??
     
  14. abbby

    abbby Member

    No. I'm just sad he thinks that way. It's like.. I didn't make any impact in this person's life at all. You know it's not true, but it corrupts you and it will eventually make you doubt yourself and it will play and play and play inside your head. Just makes me feel worthless and inadequate sometimes. It just breaks my heart, thats all. Even if you know its not true, it still hurts.
     
  15. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    Absolutely, you're correct. It's a shame that other people don't understand the impact that their actions have upon others. It makes us not want to care again, but if we allow that to happen then we lose who we are and we become more of what they are. Be strong, know that you are right, and keep on going. Dismiss this one and forgive them their ways, but don't let it be an anchor that holds you down or in place any more. There are good people out there - there really is. It's sort of like that old saying about finding a diamond in the rough. Sometimes you have to develop relationships that have long term meanings. Keep up the faith.
     
  16. Ima.robot

    Ima.robot Senior Member

    Sorry to hear Abby. In my honest opinion, you need to leave this guy now and never talk to him again. Not only is he lying but he is mad at you for the problems he brings into the relationship. Sounds sooo manipulative, controlling to me. Dont enable him to bring you down anymore because staying with him thats what you are doing, enabling. You can find someone who treats you right.
     
  17. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    yes Abby. Thats really well said. Sadly the feelings of worthlesness and inadequacy only get much worse the longer someone says in relationship with someone who does that kind of behaviors. He can honestly only save/help himself. When he is truly ready he will do the hard work at getting better. At healing whatever it is that causes this. And the work to stop doing the behaviors. All you can do now is to work on getting yourself better. Not while being with him. When I suggested the program, I was not meaning you should stay with him. It was specifically to work on not feeling responsible for him.
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.