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Having it all doesnt mean much

#1
I finally have a house in the country, on an acre of land. Yeah I'm renting it, but I'm hoping to work out a rent to own deal with the land lord. Theres a good spot for a veggie garden and a shed that can easily be converted into a turkey house. I have a loving partner who does so much for me and is super supportive, and a adorable dog. I just got a new job (I'm a cook that got laid off because of COVID) that has good pay and my coworkers are decent. Yet despite it all, I still just want to die. I feel alone and miserable no matter what I do, and even doing things like reading or playing video games leaves me feeling agitated instead of relaxed. I've felt like this for years, and I though it was situational, but now that I have everything I could ask for, I feel as horrible as I did back in high school (so since about 2011). I don't know what's wrong, but if I can't even be happy when my dreams come true, then what's the point of anything?
 
#3
Hey Cyphina! I haven't seen you here for a long time. It's good to hear from you, though I wish things were better.

I don't know what's wrong, but if I can't even be happy when my dreams come true, then what's the point of anything?
I guess the lesson is that happiness only partly comes from external things. You may be able to work out the internal part though, and then having those external things might better reach their potential to make you happy.

Have you already told your partner about this? Do you want to say what treatment methods if any you've tried?
 
#5
Have you already told your partner about this? Do you want to say what treatment methods if any you've tried?
Yeah, he knows about it, but I don't like talking about it much because he's so busy and already has enough on his plate. And I don't really have any treatment methods, I just try to look at what's going good in my life and just be grateful for it.
 
#6
Hi. I'm sorry to here you are struggling.

Having everything you thought you wanted or you thought you needed doesn't necessarily mean you are going to be happy, and that's okay. Sometimes, we need to address something underneath first. Just to be clear, are you currently in therapy? If you are not, I think you should consider it as an option. There are plenty of types and options of therapy for you to potentially try.

Also, I think confiding in your partner might be useful - although you might be worried about "bothering" him (and I'm sure I would be too), I'm sure he would want to know and would appreciate you talking to him about it. I would definitely want to know if my partner was struggling.

I hope you can feel a bit better soon. Sending hugs *brohug.
 
#7
Just to be clear, are you currently in therapy?
No, I still haven't been able to afford going to therapy. I'm trying to get State health insurance, but I just got a new job that pays $13 an hour so I'm worried they'll deny me because I make "enough" now. As for my partner,I just don't see a point in bringing up the same stuff every day, I even get annoyed with myself when I do that.
 
#8
I'm trying to get State health insurance, but I just got a new job that pays $13 an hour so I'm worried they'll deny me because I make "enough" now.
That's a good idea. It's worth trying. Otherwise, there may be other options to access affordable treatment.

As for my partner,I just don't see a point in bringing up the same stuff every day, I even get annoyed with myself when I do that.
Sometimes sharing can help us feel better. It might help lift a weight off us. You don't need to bring it up everyday necessarily but share and ask for help whenever you are feeling down. You shouldn't feel annoyed with yourself for doing this.

Sending hugs *brohug.
 
#9
I'm trying to get State health insurance, but I just got a new job that pays $13 an hour so I'm worried they'll deny me because I make "enough" now
You might want to try calling 211. They can sometimes help connect people to healthcare.
And I don't really have any treatment methods, I just try to look at what's going good in my life and just be grateful for it.
The links in my signature have some information about treatment methods. If you feel like you're at risk for a suicide attempt, it's probably a good idea to get on medication, at least until you no longer feel suicidal.

Here's a copy of the links in case you're on a phone

Treating Depression, Anxiety, Insomnia and General Help
Acupressure Self-Massage for Depression, Insomnia, and Anxiety
 
#10
If you feel like you're at risk for a suicide attempt, it's probably a good idea to get on medication
I just keep praying to not wake up every morning and then grumble at the universe when I wake up. I don't see a point in attempting anything though, I figure with my luck I'll mess it up and just damage myself and still be alive, which would be worse, so...
 

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