I'm a victim of a abuse and I was raped by him. He was a sociopath. This is why many times I used to disappear off of this Forum because I felt like a burden and many times I wanted to end my life. Because I was abused by him in so may ways that you can imagine. The anxiety started a year after he raped me and I found it very hard to trust anyone or allow anyone into my life. So many times I blamed myself and I hated myself because I fully trusted him. Feel like he brainwashed me, I felt hard to even think or focus on anything. The entire time I felt confused and I always questioned my sanity. For a few years I abused drugs.... pills mostly trying to cope with everything and trying to umb the pain. Blamed myself for not leaving him, I felt scared of him, I feared that he would kill me and if I went to the police, I was afraid what he might do. This is why it's so hard to leave these kinds of people, because they put so much fear into you and manipulate you or gaslight you. Not many people truly understand unless they are experiencing it themselves. I've gotten ridiculed and I've been called names. Crazy to psycho to being over dramatic or people think I was making up the story to gain sympathy. People need to stop blaming the victim and try to listen to there story. This is what happened to me, and it happens to many woman and men who are too ashamed to come forward. I'm healing slowly and I still have a hard time trusting people, because of this experience. I'm still trying not to blame myself. Now I am trying to give myself love and trying to focus on positive things. It's very hard, but I know I can get there.
