Heartache and pain over him and I can't seem to heel

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by Tracy24#, Jul 13, 2016.

  1. Tracy24#

    Tracy24# Member

    Im having a bad morning. I can't seem to get my head round all that's gone on. Yet he still says he loves me misses me and wanted it all. He's messed uo and says he needs to be on his own. When iam not the prob. This is eating me up inside. I can't focus, I can't get out of bed, I can't eat sleep or do anything. I'm in a proper distressed state and he is now being horrible towards me like I've done something wrong. Yesterday I told him I've gone for good n I'll never contact him again. But it's absolutely killing me knowing we might never be together or get back what we have. I know he's had a lot on over at year. Bit I've been the only one who's supported him. N sat outside his appointment in the cars sometime for hours on end. I've gone thru it all with him over his kids. And now cos court didn't goto plan that day. He just up and leaves and says he needs to be on his own. Cutting me out. But then he still txt saying he loves and misses me. And he did want all that. My heads confused as much as his. No-one can understand why it's like this when we are so happy together. That man loves me but he's pushing me out cos he's hurting. And I can't do anything about it. I hate he's hurting on his own. And is effecting me so much. I missed my tablets for two days and today I just feel like I dnt wanna be here anymore. But I have my kids and they need me but I can not sort myself out.. I would understand if we hated eachother and we didn't get on. But cos of this makes me so confused. I feel totally lost. Like I'm in mourning like he's died or somethin. It's not a nice feeling. And not once has he asked me am I okay.. Stupid of me to think that while his heads a mess I know. But did I mean thta little to him to do this and be like this towards me. I feel so used right now. I let that man into my home around my kids. Because he wanted all this first and told me he would wait a lifetime till I was ready. I new I was falling in love with this man. And wanted it so much. Now he's saying he's feeling different. I've spoke to doctors and they've all said he's depressed witch he is. And the medication he is on. Makes him think he can't love. He doesn't love anymore and thqts being alone is the best things for them.. And this man takes his meds then doesn't then does. So yeah I see him in emotional states over not seeing his own kids. N I've helped in threw it. But is he really being like this with me over meds. Or has he genuinely lost all feelings for me. Because I get mixed signals. And when I ask him to collect all his belongings o get no answer or change of subject. And no answer to how has his feelings changed. He just says I dnt know.. I can't stand this feeling any longer. N now I've told him I've gone. And I won't be messaging him to see if he will come round. But I just dnt understand it all. And neither can anyone else.
     
  2. iam

    iam SF Supporter

    I'm sorry you are going through this. I know your story only too well. Only from your mans point of view. I am blessed my wife has stuck by me 20 years now. When I am depressed I just shut down. I'm on autopilot in other people's company and do just enough to get by.
    But at home I don't try to hide anything. I just don't do anything. At my worst I never started a conversation with my wife and when she tried to talk to me all she got was one word answers for almost 2 years. She managed to talk me into getting help from a specialist who I went to see on my own to start with. It really helped me. I just wonder if it may help your man and you understand what's going on.
    I'm sure he does really love you but his head will be terribly mixed up, I'm not defending him but he obviously needs professional help.
    Hope this helps in some way. I'm never sure what I write makes sometimes. Hugs
     
  3. Tracy24#

    Tracy24# Member

    I've stuck by him through everything. And I even got him to goto his gp. And he then got refared to a mental health therapist.. If that's what there called.. Because he was under a lot of stress due to his ex not letting him see his kids. I have asked and told him to go seek help. But because I haven't seen him for near three weeks now.. He won't listen to me. He says that's not what the problem is. But it is otherwise the doctors wouldn't of refared him in first place.. I hate now that I can not support him. But being told his kids never want to see him again. And his ex doesn't. It's a big blow to anyone specially if he's been the one who goes to work and does everything for the kids. When she just sits back and gives orders. So now he's waiting for social services to speak to the kids them selves. And then the court without her or anyone in there just a witness. It's a big blow to anyone to here that and I know how much he misees them. And I've never met them and totally heartbroken knowing ive gone thru all this with him. And I'm never gonna get to meet them. All I get is he doesn't feel happy. Wants to be on his own. But then I get he misses me. Loves me. Wants the marriage and a new home together. He was only looking at engagement ring week before court. And been planning on how to propose. Then day of court he goes on one. Flips n says he wants to be on his own. Can't do a relationship and court.. I'm still getting mixed signals. And he hasn't even took all his things. I think his ex has said something at court about me for him to flip. And he's thought I'm never gonna get access if I'm with someone. That woman is evil. She's ruined his life for 13 years. And still is. She's made so much lies up and ruined everything. He can't even go and get a job. Because she's told police he's harrasing her. And she's got a order against him. Only her not the kids but that's still a big ordeal. And he was only sending maintainace for the kids. He had the txt where she asked for it.. Then she said he's violent n she's fearfully for kids safety. That man hasn't a bad bone in his body.. She just doesn't want him and wants noone else to have him. And will ruin any possible chance of him being happy.. I even had messages off her just laughing faces like she's winning.. Drivew me in sane. Sorry for the long txt but just need someone to understand and help me understand what I need to do or is the anyway I can fix it.. As for help it's only him who can go for it. I love asked him but get nothing
     
  4. iam

    iam SF Supporter

    I know. It's horrible situation for you and him. And the poor kids. My parents had a very bitter divorce when I was only 2 or 3 and still bitter to this day and I'm 40 now. It definitely messes with kids heads that and his ex sounds every bit as evil as you say.
    Your right though only your man can seek the help he needs. Like I say 1 of my depression episodes lasted almost 2 years before I accepted I needed help. Now my wife usually recognises the signs before me now. I don't know why she puts up with me, I hope it's because the good times are so much better than when the bad times are bad. Again i get a bit confused so apologies if I rambling
     
    AlexiMarie7 likes this.
  5. Tracy24#

    Tracy24# Member

    Your wife is very supportive, but iam too but he won't let me help him. And won't admit he needs help. Knowing what we have and way we are together. I've never seen a relationship so strong. And where we get on so well. Everyone tells us all the time how well we suit. And what an amazing relationship we have.. It's so loving and caring. And we never row. We just get on so well it's amazing. And now it's come to this. I'm so upset about it n really dnt know how to cope. I'm struggling and have done now for three weeks.. I can't imagine my life without him. It's been the hardest three weeks of my life. And I've been thru so much s**t but this has torn me apart.. I love this man like u wouldn't believe and no matter what was wrong or happend to him. I'd support him fully.. I'm not one to cheat or anything like that. My man is my man. And I'd treat him how he should be.. I just miss him so much. But I didn't even get to say goodbye either. Just left for court all happy. Kissing me as he went holding my hand stroking my face. Even txt me when he got there. Then a txt saying he can't do it... I didn't even give him a hug or get to hold him one last time. And it is like I'm mourning the pain and state I'm in.. Heartbroken. Sorry listen to me ranting on I get carried away. But I can't get me head round it. N dnt think I will. I'll never be with another man for as long as I love now. He was my life my soul mate. And I've lost him
     
  6. iam

    iam SF Supporter

    I'm sorry I've got no great advice for you.I don't think you've lost him although he is lost. Don't apologise for ranting I'm here anyone needs to rant and helps. I feel really dizzy now so might take a while to reply. Hugs
     
  7. Tracy24#

    Tracy24# Member

    Well I hope so.. I dnt wanna loose him. I just hope he sorts himself because I can't help him. X
     
  8. iam

    iam SF Supporter

  9. AlexiMarie7

    AlexiMarie7 Well-Known Member

    I have a mild similarity with someone not returning some of my belongings, I think it is a physical sign of them not totally wanting to let go, but it is not a sign of them necessarily going to do anything to get or be better.

    If he does think having you around may further jeopardise his chances with access to his children, you have to accept that he may have you on the back burner or shut out until he deals with that part of things. Of course he could have done it in a less callous way and you two could have both discussed it and maybe kept in contact but kept physical outings etc to a minimum during this time. But rational or not, I guess he thinks he is sacrificing himself and his happiness even for his children. Try your best to not take it personally.

    Try to stick to the no contact you stated. But I think maybe in a few weeks, or if you know when the SS visit or next court date is, you can at some point around then message to let him know you are still wishing him well, and also to ask him to take his meds please even if he does not feel as if they work, that just doing it may be better for him, even as it relates to the children, whether he "feels" better from them or not.

    It's hard, and there's no easy way around feeling what you feel but just give him some time and space. Love is not an on/off switch so if you knew he really loved you just before, I am sure those feelings are still there. Love yourself in the meantime, as cliche as it sounds, really be good to yourself, allow yourself to be sad but also take care of yourself in the meantime and do things for you.
     
    iam likes this.
  10. AlexiMarie7

    AlexiMarie7 Well-Known Member

    Thank you so much for sharing it from a man's perspective. I'm glad you finally got help and that you allowed your wife to support you. I know men can be somewhat more 'resistant' to seeking help or changing. I appreciate you sharing your experience and your side more than you may know.
     
    iam likes this.