hi.
I have reached a new low in my life, how fun. I hesitate to say "rock bottom" because things could definitely be worse, but emotionally I am a wreck.
I am an alcoholic and have always been a binge drinker; I will be sober for months at a time, then one night drink entirely too much and fly off the handle and scream at my SO cry, lose my shit. I have thrown things and said very hateful words to my SO.
This last time, Saturday night, my SO took me to my dad's house and dropped me off because he didn't want to deal with me, understandably.
I told my SO that I don't believe he loves me and how I never feel good enough for him. I feel like he values his friends and family over me and will always choose them over me. On multiple occasions, he will leave me home alone to go play poker with his family while knowing I am upset and feeling suicidal.
I have tried telling him how I feel multiple times, over the span of years, and his response is either to be defensive or non-responsive.
I am aware that I blame him for making me feel unloved and not valued, but I also have very low self esteem and confidence. I can't rely on validation from one person entirely, but just having them tell me they're proud of me, or that I'm doing well, or that they like being around me would be enough.
I am usually very on top of things. I do well at my job, I have a good gym routine, I eat healthily and am well-liked. it feels like all my work and effort gets taken for granted, like "well she usually does well, it's just how she is". But I am internally screaming all the time for someone to notice me and tell me I'm good enough.
I am well aware I am self-sabotaging and making these issues for myself. I have been off my meds for a while because I was doing well, but obviously I need them again.
<Mod edit - method> I knew where it was, but it wasn't there. I don't want to SH because I'm terrified of being involuntarily hospitalized (which my mother did to me multiple times as a teen/young adult).
I know I'm too sensitive and need to build myself up internally. I do have a therapist who I like ok. I see her soon. but I feel like it's all too late. My SO will get tired of these " be ok for a while then lose my shit" cycles. Even if he takes me back, I will continue to feel lost and hated and barely tolerated until I go crazy again.
I'm not even sure if I did commit he would feel upset. it would honestly probably be a relief. I also have a chronic illness I wouldn't have to deal with anymore; that financial strain would be gone.
but today I'll go into work like normal and try to make eye contact with people, and not burst into tears. Maybe I can SH where no one will see, I don't know.
I plan on apologizing to my SO because it's the right thing to do, but I know I won't get one back. I'm the crazy one, I'm the liability. It's always been my fault and it always will be.
Thank you for reading, I appreciate it. have a nice day, everyone.
I have reached a new low in my life, how fun. I hesitate to say "rock bottom" because things could definitely be worse, but emotionally I am a wreck.
I am an alcoholic and have always been a binge drinker; I will be sober for months at a time, then one night drink entirely too much and fly off the handle and scream at my SO cry, lose my shit. I have thrown things and said very hateful words to my SO.
This last time, Saturday night, my SO took me to my dad's house and dropped me off because he didn't want to deal with me, understandably.
I told my SO that I don't believe he loves me and how I never feel good enough for him. I feel like he values his friends and family over me and will always choose them over me. On multiple occasions, he will leave me home alone to go play poker with his family while knowing I am upset and feeling suicidal.
I have tried telling him how I feel multiple times, over the span of years, and his response is either to be defensive or non-responsive.
I am aware that I blame him for making me feel unloved and not valued, but I also have very low self esteem and confidence. I can't rely on validation from one person entirely, but just having them tell me they're proud of me, or that I'm doing well, or that they like being around me would be enough.
I am usually very on top of things. I do well at my job, I have a good gym routine, I eat healthily and am well-liked. it feels like all my work and effort gets taken for granted, like "well she usually does well, it's just how she is". But I am internally screaming all the time for someone to notice me and tell me I'm good enough.
I am well aware I am self-sabotaging and making these issues for myself. I have been off my meds for a while because I was doing well, but obviously I need them again.
<Mod edit - method> I knew where it was, but it wasn't there. I don't want to SH because I'm terrified of being involuntarily hospitalized (which my mother did to me multiple times as a teen/young adult).
I know I'm too sensitive and need to build myself up internally. I do have a therapist who I like ok. I see her soon. but I feel like it's all too late. My SO will get tired of these " be ok for a while then lose my shit" cycles. Even if he takes me back, I will continue to feel lost and hated and barely tolerated until I go crazy again.
I'm not even sure if I did commit he would feel upset. it would honestly probably be a relief. I also have a chronic illness I wouldn't have to deal with anymore; that financial strain would be gone.
but today I'll go into work like normal and try to make eye contact with people, and not burst into tears. Maybe I can SH where no one will see, I don't know.
I plan on apologizing to my SO because it's the right thing to do, but I know I won't get one back. I'm the crazy one, I'm the liability. It's always been my fault and it always will be.
Thank you for reading, I appreciate it. have a nice day, everyone.
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Have you been to therapy other than medications? This behaviour is usually a result of trauma, what you wrote about your parents refers to the same, some sort of emotional abandonment.