Empathy and Advice Welcomed Hello / venting

[whyami]

I was googling suicide methods and stumbled across this forum. Struggling a lot more than usual

Everything just keeps getting more expensive to the point where I can't afford to do anything I enjoy. I really don't see the point of being alive anymore. I think I would have gone through with it a long time ago if it wasn't for my partner and family. Most of them have also struggled with depression in the past and I don't know what they'd do if I died. I'm alive entirely out of obligation. I often find myself wishing I had never been born

I have gender reassignment surgery scheduled 2 weeks from now. It's something I want but it's also been making my suicidal thoughts way worse because I'm paying out of pocket. What an enormous waste of money when I don't even want to be alive. I feel like I have to kill myself before the surgery so that the money isn't wasted. The thoughts are getting really hard to ignore. Cutting myself normally helps but I feel like I can't because the surgeon will see

I'm pissed off with my partner because she doesn't apply for jobs unless I nag her. I'm fucking exhausted from work and we're barely scraping by. I know she is trying and job applications are hard but God, it feels like she doesn't give a shit about me or the time I spend working. Just another thing I wish I could get out of by dying. Sure would be nice wouldn't it! Not having to put up with the non-stop bullshit!

Not really sure what I'm hoping to get out of this. I don't have anyone I feel I can open up to in real life so it's nice to just get it off my chest

 

[Here Then Gone]

Hello, I feel for you and the things you are going through. I'm glad you found this site and it usually helps to get it off your chest to others who care and may be able to help.

I'm alive entirely out of obligation. I often find myself wishing I had never been born

Yes this is tiring, I know. Also feeling like you're not getting the same care and concern from your partner as you give them can feel like a one-sided relationship. Would it be possible to talk to them about this, or would that make it worse?
Dealing with finances, bills, rising expenses can be a huge burden on mental health. Would putting off the surgery help for now, or at least until the suicidal thoughts calm down?
I hope you can find some peace in dealing with things. You can keep talking here if it helps, take care