I am so sorry for your loss. I know from experience, no words I say can take away the pain and guilt, but try to find comfort in knowing you are not alone. May I ask, do you have children? If you do, I know from experience that makes things harder in some ways by seeing them in pain, but also gives you a reason to go on and survive this tragedy. Not saying that if you don't have kids there's no reason to go on, it just changes how you deal with it. Either way, I'm glad your here reaching out for help. This forum has helped me through some really difficult times and I hope it does the same for you.