I’ve never really spoken openly about this or tried getting help, so this is quite hard to open up about as i don’t really know what to say or how to word it. I also just think its a bit silly so I’m kind of embarrassed.
But for as long as i can remember i’ve always been so horribly triggered by alcohol. To the point i want to kill myself and have considered it countless times because i want to get away from it and never hear or see anything about it again so desperately.
Seeing pictures on social media, videos, the word alcohol.. drunk.. drinking.. names of drinks, overhearing conversations about it, reading about it, the effect it has on people, seeing bottles, cans or bottle tops on the street, the smell, I cant even drink out of cans of soft drink anymore. Theres more to list but I cant think of it all off the top of my head just now.
I just go into shock really. Especially if I don’t have a good distraction at the time. My heart rate goes up, stomach drops, I feel incredibly numb all over, need to hold back tears, almost sends me into a panic attack… I’ve been thrown into fits of dissociation just from accidentally stumbling upon a photo on social media.
Perhaps severe Methyphobia?
Maybe, I cant even tell you whats caused it though. My parents never drank around the house when I was little and don’t now, I’ve never exactly touched the stuff myself, never had any bad experiences in real life… Perhaps Its due to a previous experience I had with someone I was incredibly close to online being sent to rehab for a meth addiction and multiple others, all of our arguments being over alcohol, drugs and smoking, getting into a fight about it at least once a week, her always getting into bad situations when any of those were involved and often not texting back for hours… That cant be the cause though because I was like it even before I started talking to her back in early 2017 (we haven’t spoken in a good couple of months, I wonder how she’s doing now).
I cant think of anything else that could’ve happened to make me like this - I guess the whole concept has just always upset me in some sort of way.
Admittedly I do sometimes expose myself to it to trigger myself on purpose, but not a lot. Its just nice to feel something sometimes even if its well, extremely upset. Cutting never made me feel anything, its nice.
Im also terrified its going to eventually make me break up with my boyfriend. I don’t want that getting in the way of us, I love him so much and I don’t know what I’d do or where I’d be without him. We’ve spoken about it, he said he’d only drink at parties and with family and that he’d only stick to one specific drink but obviously I still want it to be stopped completely. Thats probably a little unrealistic however and I of course don't want to be controlling or make him angry etc...
I just wish I was a kid again, I don’t want to know about any of these grown up things I just want to be little and innocent I was so much happier then. I want the only thing i worry about to be making sure I colour inside the lines not all of this its terrible
But for as long as i can remember i’ve always been so horribly triggered by alcohol. To the point i want to kill myself and have considered it countless times because i want to get away from it and never hear or see anything about it again so desperately.
Seeing pictures on social media, videos, the word alcohol.. drunk.. drinking.. names of drinks, overhearing conversations about it, reading about it, the effect it has on people, seeing bottles, cans or bottle tops on the street, the smell, I cant even drink out of cans of soft drink anymore. Theres more to list but I cant think of it all off the top of my head just now.
I just go into shock really. Especially if I don’t have a good distraction at the time. My heart rate goes up, stomach drops, I feel incredibly numb all over, need to hold back tears, almost sends me into a panic attack… I’ve been thrown into fits of dissociation just from accidentally stumbling upon a photo on social media.
Perhaps severe Methyphobia?
Maybe, I cant even tell you whats caused it though. My parents never drank around the house when I was little and don’t now, I’ve never exactly touched the stuff myself, never had any bad experiences in real life… Perhaps Its due to a previous experience I had with someone I was incredibly close to online being sent to rehab for a meth addiction and multiple others, all of our arguments being over alcohol, drugs and smoking, getting into a fight about it at least once a week, her always getting into bad situations when any of those were involved and often not texting back for hours… That cant be the cause though because I was like it even before I started talking to her back in early 2017 (we haven’t spoken in a good couple of months, I wonder how she’s doing now).
I cant think of anything else that could’ve happened to make me like this - I guess the whole concept has just always upset me in some sort of way.
Admittedly I do sometimes expose myself to it to trigger myself on purpose, but not a lot. Its just nice to feel something sometimes even if its well, extremely upset. Cutting never made me feel anything, its nice.
Im also terrified its going to eventually make me break up with my boyfriend. I don’t want that getting in the way of us, I love him so much and I don’t know what I’d do or where I’d be without him. We’ve spoken about it, he said he’d only drink at parties and with family and that he’d only stick to one specific drink but obviously I still want it to be stopped completely. Thats probably a little unrealistic however and I of course don't want to be controlling or make him angry etc...
I just wish I was a kid again, I don’t want to know about any of these grown up things I just want to be little and innocent I was so much happier then. I want the only thing i worry about to be making sure I colour inside the lines not all of this its terrible