help

[aphexx13]

I ended up in the hospital Tuesday morning with a pulmonary embolism. luckily my heart is fine and i don't have any clots in my legs. they couldn't find a reason where the blood clot came from but they think my sedentary lifestyle because of my disability. and after i got blindsided by my wife wanting divorce i was even less active so that didnt help. As soon as my wife heard that i had a pulmonary embolism she left work and came to the hospital and stayed with me every day until i was discharged. she was acting like the woman i married. her brother died from a pulmonary embolism 2 years ago so i think this triggered her. yesterday before i was discharged the hospital called my wifes phone to talk about some free resources. my wife handed me her phone to talk to them and in her haste to give me the phone she didnt close her text message conversation. when i got the phone there was the conversation right in front of me with a new guy shes talking to and it was very intimate conversation with him. i was in shock my wife realized her mistake and jumped up and grabbed the phone to close the text message. after i got through with the phone call she wasnt talking about it so i confronted her about it. she claims it started as a distraction and it wasnt serious but she wasnt going to stop talking to him.

before i got admitted to the hospital my wife had plans to spend the night with her girlfriend tonight and come home saturday. now she said she is canceling because she didnt want to leave me alone overnight so she is going to spend the day tomorrow with her friend and come home. before i went into the hospital my thoughts was she was going on a date with the guy she is talking to and depending on how it went go spend the night with her friend. now i think she is going to see her friend in the afternoon and going on a date after that with this guy.

this morning I was in the bathroom and i saw a text message to a new guy that she is meeting up with tomorrow night after she sees her friend. so now shes got multiple men going on. She did the same thing with her last husband only worse. I told her that im still hurting from the shock of the divorce and the thought of her with another man already is just as painful. how can she miss me or have second thoughts about divorce if she has all these men to take her mind off of it? i think thats why she does this.

Im sick to my stomach over this. yesterday i was so depressed in the hospital i wanted to die. i had a sliver of hope after seeing how she was taking care of me in the hospital but it was destroyed after seeing that text and then this one this morning. Here i am sitting home alone with oxygen to my nose with a pulmonary embolism i almost wish it would have killed me. She claims shes still grieving our marriage but shes grieving differently than i am.

how do i get the thoughts of her with this guy tomorrow night? its eating me up inside. i think shes cold for not postponing the date with this guy until my health is better knowing what its doing to me. I feel like im back at day 1. i had quit thinking of suicide as much until yesterday now its back .

 

[Survivorist]

I am really sorry for you - being so sick and discovering things that kill you internally. But - hang on. I had this once or twice in my life - a toxic relation. It did not end well. All relations are complicated - and only now after so many years I found a person whom I can trust 100%. Give it time to get over it. Unfortunately most people are egoistic, self-centered, unfaithful... we cannot change that. Try to think positive - you ARE different in the positive sense. I do not know if these are the right words, but I wish you power. Do not give up.

 

[MisterBGone]

I'm very sorry that this is all happening to you @aphexx13 ! It doesn't seem real, and it doesn't feel right. I'd be quite hurt & upset, if I were in your shoes. I don't know how to help you process this right now at this moment, I'm afraid. I can't even read the words I type (right now). So I only wish you the best, and that you can lean on & utilize whatever support you may have there at your disposal. Even if that is only through picking up the phone, or sending off an email. Take care of yourself, and I hope she can leave you in the best state possible, when it comes to damage that may be inflicted upon you, through her actions outside of your marriage. Hopefully, she can have that level of compassion, and consciousness. But if not, I hope you can just do your best, to let it go, understand that this is her way of having to be, I guess. And that you haven't got a lot of control over that. The only thing within your power is to focus all you can on your recovery. Something with which, it would be nice if she could at least not make any worse, especially if she isn't going to continue to help out, as she has done thus far. Anyway, good luck with all of this, I hope you can figure it out. At least how to be O. K. with what ever it is she decides to do with her actions. Just keep in mind, and remember, that she is responsible for them, all on her own. And so while incredibly painful, they do not serve as a reflection on you, or your poor job as a husband to her, or serving as any sort of criticism of your efforts in your relationship, or what kind of a spouse or person you are.

 

[Innocent Forever]

Hey! It sounds like she has issues. And yes she could miss you. Her being with other people, as hard as it may seem, isn't about you. Which doesn't detract from the rejection and abandonment you're experiencing.
Just sending love

 

[aphexx13]

well i made it another day. last night i went as far as a plan to end it. two things stopped that 1. my daughter i just kept picturing her in my mind devastated and baring that pain for life. 2. im more afraid at failing than death. any suggestions on how to deal with the fact that she is going out with another man tonight? im sick just thinking about it. im a bit obsessive so im stuck in a negative loop thinking about it.

 

[MisterBGone]

well i made it another day. last night i went as far as a plan to end it. two things stopped that 1. my daughter i just kept picturing her in my mind devastated and baring that pain for life. 2. im more afraid at failing than death. any suggestions on how to deal with the fact that she is going out with another man tonight? im sick just thinking about it. im a bit obsessive so im stuck in a negative loop thinking about it.

Hey, just hoping you got and/or made-it-through, "the evening" o. k. @aphexx13 ? I saw that in another thread on here somewhere, of similar content, you'd gotten some more or further feedback. So hopefully, some of that helps, or helped!

 

[aphexx13]

Is it wrong of me to want my wife to be miserable like i am right now. she went on her date last night with this new guy. she told me she was out with her girlfriend but i know better. she did come home which surprised me because she was going to spend the night. she didnt seem that happy when she got home and she ended up sleeping the whole day. shes been texting this guy right in front of me all day. shes all happy and couldnt be better. meanwhile im on oxygen taking blood thinners from my blood clot in my lung not to mention i feel like dying from the depression and betrayal. i doesnt seem fair.

 

[Survivorist]

I am so sorry for you. To heal physically you should not have to worry about anything else. She is acting so egoistic - for me this is not understandable. It's cruel. I wish that you can concentrate on yourself - to get well again. Speechless, really.

Get well and then sort out the things to your advantage. Cut it all off, put an end to this. Start new - in all senses. This is what I wish for you.

 

[aphexx13]

thank you for the support

 

[aphexx13]

my counseling session went well i broke down a lot during. we worked on my childhood which is the reason im attracted to distant women and why i feel like i have to be perfect in a relationship or i will be left. weird thing happened tonight my wife came home in a good mood spent a few hrs upstairs making a play list on Spotify to share with her new man so they could listen to music together and text. she came downstairs for dinner fine and went back upstairs once the kids went to bed. a few minutes ago she was laying in bed in the dark on her phone and was very snappy with me. i asked her if i did something wrong and she said no im just emotional and it sounded like she was about to cry. i left her alone because she said she wanted to be alone. im trying to detach but i still love her.

 

[aphexx13]

im failing miserably. my wifes birthday is tomorrow and she is emotional because her brother passed away a few days after her birthday 2 yrs ago and she still struggles with it. i gave her a hug tonight and got her a card and flowers for her birthday trying to cheer her up. i feel like im digging a deeper hole and pushing her away further. I feel like a idiot right now because im trying to detach.

 

[Survivorist]

All what you wrote here and all what was said - this is what you should tell your wife. TALK. Then one of you can make a decision. Otherwise nothing will move forward, you will continue to suffer because you love her and she will continue to do what she wants, because she knows it and takes advantage of it. This is not a good situation, you know this. It makes you sick - whatever the reasons in the past. This explains, yes - but it will not change.

Just to tell you I have a very old friend - we went to school together. He became teacher. married, had two children, built a nice house and has still to pay today on the debts. His wife did the same thing. And now she is living with his new partner (although still married) in the same house. You can imagine that he was sick for a long time. Every time I write to him - he is depressed. I asked him if he would do something and he said no. This is sad.

Please do not end up like this - after a while finances come in and separating is not possible any longer.

 

[aphexx13]

Thanks for the advice and the example. my wife wants me to move out march 1st. it was February but my health pushed it to march. she has no interest in reconciling unless i can change her feelings for me.

 

[may71]

she has no interest in reconciling unless i can change her feelings for me.

Did she say something about that explicitly? How are you supposed to change her feelings for you if she hasn't even told you what she thinks you're doing wrong?

 

[aphexx13]

she told me the reasons but they are all excuses. i came up with a plan to correct said issues after i took ownership of them and she wanted no part of even trying. her sole focus right now is losing weight and meeting guys on dating sites. its a distraction from the guilt shes feeling and to keep her from changing her mind. she started out after she said she wanted a divorce on reading self help books and saying she just wants to be alone with her kids and go out with her friends. shes since quit reading the books and is almost obsessed with meeting guys online. shes only been on 1 date and it was with someone who is in the middle of a divorce that he didnt want. i dont think it went well as she has been texting multiple guys over the last week. ive reached the point where i am starting to hate her and her cruelty. shes texting these men right in front of me. she didnt have the decency to wait till we are divorced. she is not the women i fell in love with and married.

 

[Anchorchain]

@ aphexx13, Can you visualize making a life for yourself without her in it? It sounds like she's already said goodbye.

 

[aphexx13]

right now i have no choice as i feel that she is 100% done and there is nothing i can say or do to change that.

 

[foreverforgotten]

My heart goes out to you. Im sorry all this is happening. Reading this made me angry for you. I'm not usually the angry type either. Please hang in there.

 

[aphexx13]

anyone else go through self loathing? i feel like if i didn't have the flaws that my wife saw in me things would be fine. I'm codependent and I'm not ambitious enough right now because since my back injury i had to go on long term disability so i was only bringing in 60% of my salary so that caused a strain on our finances. although my wife didnt help by getting her hair dyed every 3 months that cost 300$ and her nails every month. that put me in a deep depression because i could no longer do physical labor and if i wanted to work again i had to start over and take some courses in computers. starting over at 52 is very scary and im not sure if i would even make it in the computer field. i felt like a failure and my confidence dropped in myself which isn't a attractive feature. right now i wish i wasnt me.

 

[Anchorchain]

Yes, I've lived with self loathing and feeling like a failure. And I learned that buying into that kind of self perception became a self fulfilling prophecy......I was setting myself up for being a loser before I even started to do anything.
It's a tough habit to break.
Try and consider what options you have. If the computer field won't work for you, look for a plan B. There are always alternatives. The point is, do not quit. And resist any thoughts of the quick exit.
Value yourself.