help

[TragicReality]

I've mentioned this ''problem'' in different places, maybe making a thread will help. I have 2 sons. The older is in his early 30's the younger is going to be 24 this year. I don't get calls much from them. The older finally answered my call a few days ago. I have mentioned my plan, and he doesn't say no dont do it. I have a bit of money I cant use because of disabilty. They've never allowed people to gift their inheritance. I did get away with it, by my worker finally saying with what I could keep in the bank myself for me, I cuould give it to them. I did that and more than she doesn't know about.

I don't know why the font changed, anyway.......my older had debt I paid. I was hoping he could use some money for a mortgage or something but he said ''I cant make ends meet''. I asked him, since he doesn't want to tell me exactly, about how much he's in debt now. I was pretty shocked. I did say ''what? you mean if i give you money it'll just pay your debt again?'' I didn't mean to make it sound that bad. He had a gf screw up his life by accusing him of abuse. He had a hefty lawyer bill. So I'm guessing that's why now.

I'll try to cut to the chase.. the younger lives in a dump of a room telling me the guy he rents from (who is also on welfare) is ready to be evicted, I'm assuming the guy he rents from doesnt' explain he's getting rent from my son. They get eviction notices, his so called landlord sends it to a tribunal to get more time. Eventually my son will be on the street.

I'm wondering if helping them with finances is the right idea. I'll have to cut off my disability. My worker has warned me I cant just give that money away or use it however I want to, they'll want to know where the money went. I've googled ideas. It is possible to reapply with an explanation to disability. It says ''if the person had any mental problems interfering with their decision making abilities they may be excused and can have disability reinstated.'' I'm thinking of doing this. The dollar is going down every day. If money just sits in that account for another 10 yrs or so it wont have value like now, it could be half or worse. I do have a psychiatrist, had him for a very very long time. I think he'd understand, he knows a lot of my depression is because of how my sons are doing. I think he'd write a letter stating my depression made this seem like a good idea to do, and he's about to retire. I know a new one who doesn't know me won't do that. It's enough with a bit extra to get my older out of debt. He said ''i'm thinking about sleeping in my car'' (I doubt it would come to that) but yeah, everyone has a hard time making it now, grocery prices are through the roof, everything is. The younger will have to wait, but I thought, if I tell him ''you get yourself straightened out and a job, then you have a bit of money coming to help'' might give him the motivation he needs? I've tried everything to motivate him, I only helped with a bit of change for laundry this month. Before, I was helping way too much, I saw his needs and I'm soft hearted and couldn't stand it. He is used to my help. It's my fault he's the way he is.

Can anyone understand why I'd do this? It really would make me rest better if they were both more secure in life. Me, I don't want to live very long anymore. Tinnitus is getting so bad, my pain is so much worse, and I don't want to live to retirement. I wouldn't afford a darn roof in a home at that point. It's already like that, I pay more than disability allows for rent, so when this one says i need to move, I have no idea where to go, rooms are crazy price, and they mostly say ''working professionals or students only'' If i left the money for myself for that long from now, it also wont help me. Hoping if I'm alive I'll finally have subsidized housing I'm on a list for.

Tell me what you think i should do or have any ideas? I dont need to hear ''they need a mother more than financial help'' no they don't they dont ask for advice or listen if I have advice, they dont answer calls unless its about something they need financially.

 

[MisterBGone]

I've mentioned this ''problem'' in different places, maybe making a thread will help. I have 2 sons. The older is in his early 30's the younger is going to be 24 this year. I don't get calls much from them. The older finally answered my call a few days ago. I have mentioned my plan, and he doesn't say no dont do it. I have a bit of money I cant use because of disabilty. They've never allowed people to gift their inheritance. I did get away with it, by my worker finally saying with what I could keep in the bank myself for me, I cuould give it to them. I did that and more than she doesn't know about.

I don't know why the font changed, anyway.......my older had debt I paid. I was hoping he could use some money for a mortgage or something but he said ''I cant make ends meet''. I asked him, since he doesn't want to tell me exactly, about how much he's in debt now. I was pretty shocked. I did say ''what? you mean if i give you money it'll just pay your debt again?'' I didn't mean to make it sound that bad. He had a gf screw up his life by accusing him of abuse. He had a hefty lawyer bill. So I'm guessing that's why now.

I'll try to cut to the chase.. the younger lives in a dump of a room telling me the guy he rents from (who is also on welfare) is ready to be evicted, I'm assuming the guy he rents from doesnt' explain he's getting rent from my son. They get eviction notices, his so called landlord sends it to a tribunal to get more time. Eventually my son will be on the street.

I'm wondering if helping them with finances is the right idea. I'll have to cut off my disability. My worker has warned me I cant just give that money away or use it however I want to, they'll want to know where the money went. I've googled ideas. It is possible to reapply with an explanation to disability. It says ''if the person had any mental problems interfering with their decision making abilities they may be excused and can have disability reinstated.'' I'm thinking of doing this. The dollar is going down every day. If money just sits in that account for another 10 yrs or so it wont have value like now, it could be half or worse. I do have a psychiatrist, had him for a very very long time. I think he'd understand, he knows a lot of my depression is because of how my sons are doing. I think he'd write a letter stating my depression made this seem like a good idea to do, and he's about to retire. I know a new one who doesn't know me won't do that. It's enough with a bit extra to get my older out of debt. He said ''i'm thinking about sleeping in my car'' (I doubt it would come to that) but yeah, everyone has a hard time making it now, grocery prices are through the roof, everything is. The younger will have to wait, but I thought, if I tell him ''you get yourself straightened out and a job, then you have a bit of money coming to help'' might give him the motivation he needs? I've tried everything to motivate him, I only helped with a bit of change for laundry this month. Before, I was helping way too much, I saw his needs and I'm soft hearted and couldn't stand it. He is used to my help. It's my fault he's the way he is.

Can anyone understand why I'd do this? It really would make me rest better if they were both more secure in life. Me, I don't want to live very long anymore. Tinnitus is getting so bad, my pain is so much worse, and I don't want to live to retirement. I wouldn't afford a darn roof in a home at that point. It's already like that, I pay more than disability allows for rent, so when this one says i need to move, I have no idea where to go, rooms are crazy price, and they mostly say ''working professionals or students only'' If i left the money for myself for that long from now, it also wont help me. Hoping if I'm alive I'll finally have subsidized housing I'm on a list for.

Tell me what you think i should do or have any ideas? I dont need to hear ''they need a mother more than financial help'' no they don't they dont ask for advice or listen if I have advice, they dont answer calls unless its about something they need financially.

I am terribly sorry, @toomuchreality --I truly am! . . . For, I~ don't know how (best?) to advise you! I do understand, however (I think); just how it is you feel - & are feeling now, with this predicament you're in. As you've explained it so well. And done a thorough job with everything. So I applaud you with painting the picture, and setting the stage, so to speak... but that said: I haven't a clue, as to what to tell you or how I could offer any opinions, or advice, guidance or much of any thing at all? I only know this. You feel that you have it pretty well all figured out. How things will go. You've examined all of the particulars, and the details, and etc. Weighed the likelihood of every possible outcome. However, what if things don't go that way? And that is to say--as you (have) plan/ned, here & now? In other words: you may think, because of (A); or if (B) then you get (in all probability) (C). But what if you don't? What if it is more as, or along the lines of the counsel you are receiving from someone who would be, and is in, the know? You may think, feel & believe that you've got it all figured out. And have discovered a way, of "gaming the system." (for want of a better phrase) but like I said, let's just say you don't, or haven't quite got it all right there in terms of, how this is going to proceed & play-out, and everything, in the end. I'm sure you're not the first person that's tried to pull something like this (off). So you are relying on individual, or individuals, as in human beings, in order to weigh your Fate then, and they will have it, and your future, in their hands. And let's just say they aren't so forgiving as you maybe anticipate? What then, is all I'm asking. If your answer, is "I don't care." Then that is one thing, and another story, I'd suppose, altogether. So that's really the main, or primary thought running through my mind. Is that, it is usually not so easy to outsmart the system. It is designed & set-up in such a way so as to avoid that, and probably, punish those who don't (fall in line with...) // now, for instance; you say, you'll fall under some kind of a clause. Now, what if you get a judge, or a juror, a person whom is on this committee & weighing the decision to abide by & enact this particular exception. Perhaps they don't care, or aren't interested in your excuses, your reasons why (I'm sure every-body's got a convincing & compelling story to tell, when falling into this boat), and etc.? Perhaps, or maybe, they aren't so on the forgiving & caring side of mental health in the first place. And feel as though your case is wasting their time. Perhaps they just ate a bad lunch. And now, you're' going to be the opposite of beneficiary, of that~?* / Just all things I'd consider, before going "All-in," so to speak with this decision. Yes, I understand your position (as you've stated it here). And I can understand your feeling, and your reasoning, even. So that is I guess where I stand, then. If you're at the end, of the end, of the end of the end. . . Then none of this may (much) matter, or make much of a difference (to you) then. I"m sorry I couldn't be of much better assistance, @toomuchreality ~ still pulling for you though, and hope that you can somehow find a way to , "take great care" of your-self. Ok? Later, mr. b*

 

[seabird]

They are grown men. They don't need a mother anymore. Even the 24 year is mature, if not completely finished growing his brain. Grown up people are not part of their mom or dad anymore. Please undestand, I'm not saying they'll not always be a part of your mind and feelings. But you are not in a little kids and mom situation anymore. You caannot help. You have written many times that they don't listen. I am a soft hearted person like yourself, so I think I know where, generally, you are coming from. Being in a co-dependency with others is a no-win.

If you stay on the list for the housing, and you keep the money for your own needs, you'll be on a healthier path.

I'm sorry your sons are having a hard time. Sending a prayer for you @toomuchreality

 

[TragicReality]

Thanks, you did actually help misterb. I didn't think through that it will not just be my psychiatrists understanding. It will go before a board called a tribunal or something, and yes, they may not care.

I just think it is such a stupid rule to not allow me to gift money that is mine legally. Why should they care if it's not to my benefit? I told my landlord here, he said ''What? They don't even let you give your own money away?'' I had a lawyer drawing up my will. If anyone would have answers it would be a lawyer. She said ''They'll think you're giving it to your sons for your sons to keep for you.'' That made more sense than my worker saying we have to know what the money is going to. My sons would never keep it for me, they need it. Won't matter, at least you reminded me or clued me in that it's more than a psychiatrists help to get me back on to it. I do think even if I told my psychiatrist ahead of time he'd do that for me, I know him for I think 15 years or more. He wrote a very good letter for me just to get the disability tax credit (a special bank account to keep the money in) it's unbelievable what disability needs just to put the money away, in my thoughts anyways. I dont know what to do. I have an appt with him in a week, I think I'll throw it out there to him, he'd be smart enough to know if it's a plausible idea. thanks again.

 

[TragicReality]

They are grown men. They don't need a mother anymore. Even the 24 year is mature, if not completely finished growing his brain. Grown up people are not part of their mom or dad anymore. Please undestand, I'm not saying they'll not always be a part of your mind and feelings. But you are not in a little kids and mom situation anymore. You caannot help. You have written many times that they don't listen. I am a soft hearted person like yourself, so I think I know where, generally, you are coming from. Being in a co-dependency with others is a no-win.

If you stay on the list for the housing, and you keep the money for your own needs, you'll be on a healthier path.

I'm sorry your sons are having a hard time. Sending a prayer for you @toomuchreality

Thanks @seabird. It's true, they are grown. I'm just wishing I could make their lives better. It might just get blown away by them, if I'm realistic what I have done pretty much was just gone to nothing, they aren't any better off for it.
It was like codependency... I did like feeling needed, which isn't right. They do need to help themselves. It's just hard to see them struggling so much knowing I could fix it. But it would come with a huge cost, i wouldn't have my medication covered if I lost disabilty. Thanks, I'll think a lot more before I'd do anything. I think what you said was simple but so straightforward it makes the most sense. Hugs

 

[LonelyHiker]

@toomuchreality

I'm sorry your sons are struggling, and I understand your wanting to help them financially.

That said, I have to agree with @seabird. They need to find a way to be self-sufficient and achieve financial independence, and take responsibility for managing their affairs/living situation as adults, as well as learning to live with (and learn from) the consequences of poor decisions. Enabling them by bailing them out of financial problems will only perpetuate/exacerbate the problem.

My best friend's mother (who is a sweet and wonderful person, for the record), still supports his younger brother, who's is almost 50, and hopelessly stunted as an adult. He is barely employed and has no motivation to better himself because he knows she will always bail him out.

Just my 2c....I am the parent of a 16 yo and I understand the strong drive to protect and care for one's children no matter what the cost.

Best of luck to you and your sons, I hope everything works out for all...