its that time of year again. It's coming up to the anniversary of my brother's death. It's going to be nine years this year but it is all still fresh in my mind. I can still recall everything about that night. The sights and sounds of him dying right in front of us. This is the cause of the third incidence of PTSD that I've had to deal with. When it first happened I vowed to myself that I would not live past the age he was when he died. I always believed that I would be dead by 40. I didn't plan for a future, I'd just exist until it was time. He was so young, so talented, so loved, it was not fair that he had to die. However as that time came, my mental health issues improved to the point that I no longer needed medication. I thought I had my life together, I had a goal and I was actually reaching that goal. I forgot that I was supposed to be dead by now. Then as any other ending to one of my stories, everything came crashing in. I am plagued by nightmares and memories, depression returned with a vengeance and I feel my symptoms are much worse this time around. I am not sure if I am going to make it through this year, for that matter every night is in question. This time of year is the roughest and hardest for me to deal with. So I apologize for being a pest and so irritating.