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Here we go again

its that time of year again. It's coming up to the anniversary of my brother's death.

It's going to be nine years this year but it is all still fresh in my mind. I can still recall everything about that night. The sights and sounds of him dying right in front of us. This is the cause of the third incidence of PTSD that I've had to deal with.

When it first happened I vowed to myself that I would not live past the age he was when he died. I always believed that I would be dead by 40. I didn't plan for a future, I'd just exist until it was time.

He was so young, so talented, so loved, it was not fair that he had to die.

However as that time came, my mental health issues improved to the point that I no longer needed medication. I thought I had my life together, I had a goal and I was actually reaching that goal. I forgot that I was supposed to be dead by now.

Then as any other ending to one of my stories, everything came crashing in. I am plagued by nightmares and memories, depression returned with a vengeance and I feel my symptoms are much worse this time around. I am not sure if I am going to make it through this year, for that matter every night is in question.

This time of year is the roughest and hardest for me to deal with. So I apologize for being a pest and so irritating.


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its that time of year again. ...<>....This time of year is the roughest and hardest for me to deal with. So I apologize for being a pest and so irritating.
You are not being a pest in any way. Thank you for sharing with us, and I am sorry it is so painful. Some things never really heal, but to be honest I am glad for my own part because if there was not any pain or any sense of loss then it would seem sad and disrespectful in some way to me. As painful as some memories are I would still rather remember than to forget because forgetting the pain would also mean forgetting the good things- it is missing the good things that cause the pain and I would rather deal with that then have missed out on having some people in my life or forgetting what they meant to me.

The pain is in some ways all that is left to remind me how good some things were - just have to get to a place where the pain is manageable and almost nice instead of paralyzing, and clearly that is not where you are- likely because of the extra trauma associated with the death. It is leaving just the pain and not the good parts by the sound and I am sincerely sorry for that because it sounds like your brother was somebody worthwhile to have had in your life for as long as you did. I hope someday the memories are the sort that make you happy to have been with him and known him instead of just hurt and only able to think of the day he died.

You dealt with the mental health issue before and things improved, so you know they can. Look to the past and see what helped before and use that as a blueprint for how to start getting better now. If need meds again fine, some people can take only when things are bad, some people need take for always. If able to take and recover then stop all the better for you- but at least you know you can respond well to meds. Don't punish yourself by not getting treated now- you deserve to feel better.


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Hi rascal hugs love you girl you are so not a pest or irritating please don’t think that I love having you in chat you are needed and wanted on here never forget that.

I am so glad you are still living you have survived for so long but why not another 40 years I am sure your brother would want you to be here for a long time. I know it’s hard and you are hurting but you can get better. I know right now it seems impossible but it can you are stronger than you think. You have survived so much you can get through this just lean on all of us here when you need to hugs

I am thinking of you and am always here for you. Hugs know you can message me anytime.


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Rascal, I totally understand. His anniversary will always be hard. I go through it every year myself. I always tell myself maybe it won't be so bad this year, but it creeps up on me and it always is THAT bad. My ptsd kicks in and I'm a mess. But it passes every year too. And I know Jaclyn as well as your brother would want us to go on and be happy. I'm here for you...always remember that. You will get through this again. Sending you tons of hugs.

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