Since 2009 I've been a complete head case. I'm now suffering incredibly and quit my job as a result and I've lost two of my friends in the past two months as a result of my actions and I just can't cope. I'm sick to death of feeling like this but I can't stop it. I can't stop my own mind from destroying itself and I don't know how to get out. I've had counselling before, after a car crash that left me with PTSD and severe anxiety. It helped. But I was still anxious all of the time and it really left a mark on me. Then last year my auntie and my cousin died within the same month and that completely tore my family apart. February this year I fell fatally ill, in which I went into septic shock as a result of a cyst on my ovary that was infected. I was put into a coma and my family were told that there was 50% chance I'd die. I lost my right ovary and currently am now losing the will to live. Before I fell ill, I went through a pregnancy termination, in which I later found out would never have survived due to what happened to me after. It killed me, because even though I had chose to go ahead with that termination, I didn't have a choice in the matter anyway. I've made a complete f*&#ing mess up of my life and I don't know how to get out. My best friend has fallen out with me, my only friendship group at home is now rocky due to me sleeping with my friends ex boyfriend and I really don't know what to do. I don't know how to stop acting like I do. I don't know how to not be like this. I try my hardest, I really do but it just doesn't stop. My brain doesn't stop me from doing stupid things, theres no action filter. I went back in to the GP in July to ask counselling and I'm still waiting. I don't know how much more I can take. I'm sick of being me.