Hi I'm new here, just wanted to talk about some stuff anonymously

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by Aotearoa, Dec 9, 2007.

  1. Aotearoa

    Aotearoa New Member

    Hi everyone,

    Firstly, my apologies if this is in the wrong section, there we so many to choose from and for what ever reason I ended up in here...

    One thing that I've noticed recently is that I seem be to alone a lot and I think that it might be some of my own doing... I've pushed away my outer-friends and don't talk to my close friends when I'm depressed...

    I've gone through some interesting periods in the last few months, there has been crippling anxiety, intense depression, extreme self loathing and lots of pizza.

    I think I've taken some good steps on the path to happiness, I've started to take an interest in Buddhism and I have started talking to a Psychotherapist. On top of this I have managed to tell a couple of close friends about my problems and they're here to help when I need them...

    The reason I'm here I guess is because I'm still concerned about the isolation I have been imposing on myself and I wouldn't mind talking about a few things anonymously...

    I'm 23 and I guess I have a lot going for me, I'm healthy, tall, average looking, funny, socially adept... I have a good job, I'm musical, I'm physically active...

    When it comes to girls I've never been as fortunate as some, I grew up with all brothers and went to an all boys school... At around the age of 15-16 I had extreme anxiety around girls... I guess this had something to do with seclusion and puberty...

    I put a lot of time and effort trying to understand the opposite sex... I had my first girlfriend at Uni... that went horribly wrong... we tried to have sex and it didn't go very well.. I was so ashamed that I left Uni...

    A while later I met a girl in the club scene and we spent some time together, we never had sex, I'm pretty sure she was into multiple casual relationships and didn't really have a strong attraction to me... during this time I hooked up with an older chick... this is when I lost my virginity... we only had sex once and that was it... then I didn't hear from her for ages...

    So I continued to chase this other girl (never sex, just everything else... although her draw was full of condoms and they kept disappearing?)... and the older girl tells me after the holidays that she's pregnant... I've always wanted kids... but I purely cared for her... and I told her I would do whatever it took... if she wanted to get rid of it I wouldn't stop her... and if she wanted to keep it I would be there for her and the baby...

    I broke it off with the other girl... although there wasn't really much to break off... and then spent a bit of time trying to help the older girl... she eventually had an abortion and told me she didn't want to screw up my future...

    Later I moved into an apartment in town with a friend and met a girl while out at a bar.. she was 17 and thought I was really funny... she was from a small town and was new to the city... we were flirting a lot and that was fun... then we went to a party where she got way too drunk and hooked up with a random friend of mine... I just wanted to get out of there so I called up a Taxi and gave her the cold shoulder... when I got home she txt'd me saying she was sorry... I coerced her into coming to my apartment where she practically slept with me purely based on guilt.

    She wanted to be in love desperately and was a bit immature, she would try and hug me in public places so I ended the relationship... I think I hurt her in doing that...

    Around the same time (or possibly at the same time) I was DJ'ing at a bar and a girl came up to me complimenting me on my mixing... we caught a ride home with some friends and she was fixated on me... very out-spoken...

    She sent me a txt basically saying she was very attracted to me and wanted to hook up... I wish that would happen more often!!! So we had sex a couple of times... I don't know why but I wasn't very into it... I think I had a lot of guilt hanging over my head...

    My flatmate had been seeing another girl... I'm going to call her Julia which is not her real name... they had sex a few times and then he said he wasn't really interested... I really liked her...

    On my 22nd birthday I finally grew the balls and got her round to my house.. then the night after that... and every night after that... we pretty much jumped straight into a relationship... at first I hid it from my flatmate... then I told him...

    Julia was my first real girlfriend... we broke up 4-5 months ago... all through the relationship I was quite jealous of her male friends... towards the end of the relationship she would stay out in town very late on the weekends.. I just wanted to be with her at home... keep her to myself...

    I went through some major jealousy and anger problems... it hurt us both a lot... I tried everything to get back with her... but she told me these words... and I will never forget them because they're etched into the back of my head...

    "I do love you, just not in a romantic way... and I will never love you like that again"

    It's all kind of a blur but this is how it went...

    I'd invite her out - try get her to come home with me - stay out for ages - go home alone and tell her "I'm going home, let me know if you want to come round"... stay up waiting for her to txt... nothing... (just remembering this makes me tearful)..

    I've been trying my hardest to accept this and move on, it's so hard.. she goes out and parties with all the people I know... she's seeing someone else now...

    I've had to isolate myself from everywhere that she might go... I couldn't deal with it...

    There's so much more to it... but remembering it all and writing it down is too painful... I don't know if it helps to be dwelling on it all...

    Anyways... so now where am I? Well... I've told her that I want her to be happy... and that I can't handle seeing her... maybe some time next year perhaps...

    I didn't want to find someone else on the rebound... I wanted to stop hurting over this first... I wanted to sort out my issues...

    After getting dumped I emailed some of my old girl friends and apologised to many of them... to the young girl who I shunned... to the girl who was really into me and I used for sex... and to a couple of other people as well who I felt guilty towards...

    So now I'm trying to pick myself up and find another girlfriend... I started talking to a girl from my work but I'm reluctant to take the chance of rejection since we work together...

    I signed up to some online dating sites... at first I just posted my profile and didn't message anyone... I got a couple of random messages but nothing interesting... after awhile it got depressing because nobody was messaging me...

    Then I grew some balls and started messaging people I liked... I have a date next week with a 19 year old who sounds pretty immature... quite honestly I think that I only want to get with her because I'm insecure...

    Theres also one chick on their who I really like... and after messaging her... she has the same f'ing name as my ex-girlfriend... and shares a lot of the same interests! Now it kinda seems weird... but I'm going to keep messaging her... see where that leads...

    One girl though who's always been on my mind has been a friend for many years... she is who I would really like to talk about....

    Lets call her "Tess". I knew Tess when she hooked up with my friend "Bill" many years ago... they had a prolonged relationship... Tess broke up with Bill and it shattered him... just like when "Julia" broke up with me!

    Bill was going through a lot and he couldn't stand to be around Tess because he loved her... he got angry and jealous.. he falsely accused another friend of sleeping with Tess... I was young and stupid at the time and thought he was being stupid... at that time I started hitting on Tess to try and hurt Bill... Tess wasn't interested (good on her!)... these days I feel very sorry for Bill and wonder how he's doing.. I'm sure he could give me some good advice!

    Anyway so we've been friends for ages... she's a cool chick... she was going out with this guy who was into some dodgy deals... I don't know what happened but they broke up and she was very hurt by him...

    So now we've been hanging out together a bit... I think one of my friends is trying to hook us up together... thing is.. she's not stupid.. she must know this.. and yet... she still comes out... what's going on here?!

    Like I said earlier... I didn't want to start a relationship with someone while still on the rebound... I don't know how long that will take though!... I do genuinely like Tess..

    Anyway.... so all my close friends are going away for new years.. and this includes Tess and I... I don't have a car... shes offered me a ride... also there aren't many beds up there.. I was going to use my tent... the girl who might be trying to hook us up said "There's a room there with two single beds... Tess has one, do you want the other?"... So I was trying to play it cool... said some stupid joke like... "you do realise I have gas?" they both laughed... then I said "Well yeah... I'd always prefer a bed over a tent, so I'm keen."....

    So now I'm going away for a holiday in her car and staying in a room with her... and for the life of me I can't f'ing tell if she's just trying to be a good friend because she knows I've been going through a rough patch... or if she wants to hook up... wtf!?

    --------------------------------

    So that's where I'm up to, I'm trying to get over anxiety and depression... talking to a psychotherapist, learning buddhism, still in love with my ex-girlfriend, falling in love with a close friend....

    It's weird though...

    Before falling in love I didn't understand a lot of things...

    I was watching californication and the main character's daughter asks:

    "Dad, how do I stop my heart from hurting?"...

    And he replies...

    "No just pray that it never stops hurting"...

    Deep...