Hi there! I'm new in here

[アオト]

(sorry if my English is bad it's not my first language :p)
I've had the idea of committing for a long time...
Today, something made me want to commit this very night, but the more I read about the subject, the sadder I get and the more I fear...
I don't know what I want; I don't know what to do.
I feel the responsibility to do it, 'cause I'm a bad person; I hurt others, even without intending to. Even when I think I'm doing things right. I always end up blowing up.
I don't want to be me.
I want to change, but I can't.
I lived the last hours with such admiration for everything: the leaves, the wet dirt after the rain from last night; the spectacular sunset I witnessed- I was like heaven; The birds that flew all over the sky.
It felt like a goodbye somehow. It gave me peace.
But after spiraling on Reddit posts about my idea. I don't know if I want to do it anymore, or do I...? I don't know, it's strange. It's like... I'm sad, but don't care ¿?
I was looking for anonymous forums online to talk about this, and I found this one. Hope to solve this mess.
Nice to meet you, everyone!
P.D. I love those emojis aaaaaaahahaah

 

[may71]

Welcome to SF! I'm sorry that you're feeling so bad.

I feel the responsibility to do it, 'cause I'm a bad person; I hurt others, even without intending to. Even when I think I'm doing things right. I always end up blowing up.

I don't think you're a bad person. A bad person wouldn't care if they hurt others.

What's more likely is that you're a very sensitive and caring person. Because of that sensitivity and caring, you criticize yourself easily. Other people may blame you unfairly because they can get away with it easily, or you may take responsibility for other people's emotions unfairly.

I think you're a very good person and I hope you can be kinder to yourself. You have a right to live and be happy for your own reasons, but the world also needs people like you.

Nice to meet you, everyone!

It's nice to meet you too!

P.D. I love those emojis aaaaaaahahaah

In that case,

 

[LumberJack]

Welcome, aoto. I agree with what Mr. May says about being a bad person. I hold that any person who cares whether or not they are a bad person is not a bad person. Because bad people do not consider what impact their actions have on anyone else.

However I've been there, too. I used to think I was a moral monster because of the thoughts in my head. I kept thinking of violent and just plain wrong things that I might do, and by thinking about it alone, I was automatically likely to do it. It turns out that is a class of intrusive thoughts that form the obsessive part of OCD.

I don't know one person who has not hurt other people. It's unfortunate, but even when we make a mistake, it might hurt someone we didn't mean to hurt, and then feel guilty about it. So I have made a deal with myself that I must never hurt someone on purpose. If my intention is good, but things went poorly, then I will learn from that mistake, apologize and do what I can to make it right, and go forward with the additional wisdom that I have gained. But it's just impossible to not hurt people and be in society. Have you ever heard of the hedgehogs' dilemma?

 

[KM76710]

(sorry if my English is bad it's not my first language :p)
I've had the idea of committing for a long time...
Today, something made me want to commit this very night, but the more I read about the subject, the sadder I get and the more I fear...
I don't know what I want; I don't know what to do.
I feel the responsibility to do it, 'cause I'm a bad person; I hurt others, even without intending to. Even when I think I'm doing things right. I always end up blowing up.
I don't want to be me.
I want to change, but I can't.
I lived the last hours with such admiration for everything: the leaves, the wet dirt after the rain from last night; the spectacular sunset I witnessed- I was like heaven; The birds that flew all over the sky.
It felt like a goodbye somehow. It gave me peace.
But after spiraling on Reddit posts about my idea. I don't know if I want to do it anymore, or do I...? I don't know, it's strange. It's like... I'm sad, but don't care ¿?
I was looking for anonymous forums online to talk about this, and I found this one. Hope to solve this mess.
Nice to meet you, everyone!
P.D. I love those emojis aaaaaaahahaah

Glad you are with us and reaching out. This is a good forum and folk for you to do that with and join in with. Hopefully we can offer good advice for you, plenty of support from others in abundance since you are welcome here.

 

[ChaosTheory]

Sweet you. I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. You’ll find support and comfort here. Your English is beautiful, keep writing.

 

[アオト]

All of your guys' words are so, so sweet. Thanks, really

 

[アオト]

Welcome, aoto. I agree with what Mr. May says about being a bad person. I hold that any person who cares whether or not they are a bad person is not a bad person. Because bad people do not consider what impact their actions have on anyone else.

However I've been there, too. I used to think I was a moral monster because of the thoughts in my head. I kept thinking of violent and just plain wrong things that I might do, and by thinking about it alone, I was automatically likely to do it. It turns out that is a class of intrusive thoughts that form the obsessive part of OCD.

I don't know one person who has not hurt other people. It's unfortunate, but even when we make a mistake, it might hurt someone we didn't mean to hurt, and then feel guilty about it. So I have made a deal with myself that I must never hurt someone on purpose. If my intention is good, but things went poorly, then I will learn from that mistake, apologize and do what I can to make it right, and go forward with the additional wisdom that I have gained. But it's just impossible to not hurt people and be in society. Have you ever heard of the hedgehogs' dilemma?

Yes, I have heard about it. But it feels like it's not my case.
That I'm just too idiotic to do anything right that will just ruin things one way or another.
A good part of that comes from the anxiety I feel about being autistic. I feel everybody else has something I lack, that I'm less than human, and in the worst way possible.

 

[frozen soul]

welcome to this community, I hope you can find some peace