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Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by luYhAgnuJ, May 11, 2013.

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  1. luYhAgnuJ

    luYhAgnuJ Member

    Well, the time has come. My finances are in ruin and I have no option but to go homeless.

    I started having serious trouble with bipolar disorder about 19 years ago. I got real sick and basically lost everything. I didn't know what my problem was so I kept going to regular doctors all to no avail. It took me about 1-1.5 years to regain my health. I took another job and started rebuilding my life.

    That lasted about a year before I got sick again. And again, I lost everything I had rebuilt. This is basically how my life has gone since 1994. I've been on disability since 2008 (I think) and as I'm sure many of you know, it is a small amount of money and very hard to live on.

    I went to university years ago (~2000) when I could function and nearly completed a degree but then got sick again and had to bail. I took out school loans and have been unable to pay on the loan for years now. Recently some judge somewhere garnished my wages to the tune of $230.

    I was bringing in next to nothing as it was but now this has blown everything out of the water. There is no way I can afford to have a roof over my head.

    My mother and father have enough money to handle their own affairs but that's it. They have been helping me financially now for a bit but I just cannot keep on taking their hard earned money. They are both retired and what they have, which isn't a lot, needs to last.

    So that's it. The time is here. I've got my studio 70% packed and the 30 day notice went out Friday. I have not told my parents. I'll stuff everything into a storage unit and be done with it.

    I honestly don't know how long I will last like this. I had serious trouble with insurance and doctors back in January and have since been on only 100-400mg Seroquel (depending on what I can get my hands on), where my normal dose is 800mg Seroquel plus 200 Lamictal.

    I was hypomanic basically since February up to maybe 1-2 weeks ago and even my parents are avoiding me. But now that has turned and I'm something else. I think more depressed then mania but really a bit mixed.

    It is interesting, I was wide awake last night, didn't sleep at all, but right now, when I'm usually freaking out, I am exceptionally calm. Like I understand what I have to do.

    Suicide is really the next step for me. I'll stick this out as best I can and give it the old "college try" but really I don't give a shit about life. It's been nothing but a huge struggle for me and it really isn't worth it. I don't believe in god or any mumbo-jumbo like that. I've played the "take medicine" game but honestly, that has failed. I don't relate to people and continually feel judged and ridiculed by them. I know they do it and I know what they are thinking. I try to tell people but they think I'm paranoid and not seeing the situation correctly. They are wrong but I've stopped trying to convince them. Also, I'de have to say that I HATE doctors.

    Sometimes the feelings that I feel are so strong, I literally cry (as I am now) from the sheer energy/power moving through my body. I realize that I'm not normal and never have been.

    Thanx for listening.

    -luYhAgnuJ (RIP my dear friend)

    Rihanna; "Stay"
  2. That's hardcore man...

    I'd say you should look up for any options your local government has to offer, but I suppose you already have or don't want to go to a mental institution.

    Maybe there are times in life you just need to get it over with (not referring to suicide but to leaving your apartment and live "la vida loca" in the streets). I think if you manage it the right way, you can get a roof to sleep under before you'll notice. I wish you luck.

    ...Man, I really suck at comforting people...
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