Feeling really pathetic. Pretty sure my local Distress Line is sick of me. They said they're not meant for long-term use...don't know if I'll ever call or chat with them again. Like I didn't already feel like a piece of shit...I know they're not meant to be a replacement for long term help. But they are the only ones you can talk to after hours...and it's not like I called them daily, all the time. Whatever...
How Are You Feeling Right Now?
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I'm sorry, that's really shitty. You should be able to call whenever you need to. There's always someone here who will listen at least, though I know it's not quite the same. 
tackles
Marriage is complicated, especially if you’re being abused. It’s ok to have complicated feelings, it doesn’t make you stupid or a bad person. These kinds of relationships can be really hard to leave and it makes sense that you feel conflicted. It’s not your fault that he feels and thinks the way he does, he is an adult and responsible for himself always. I wish you the best of luck and happiness whatever decision you choose to make.
He said he had to change aspects of himself, but havn't you changed aspects of yourself as well? Some by choice, others by his manipulation and getting inside your head? He claims you've created a monster out of him, but again he's got to hold his hands up and own his shit. How much of a sociopath is he, or is he merely trying to use that as a screen to hide behind so as excuse his actions and make him out to be the sole victim in this relationship?
Your burning desire to keep on fighting for this marriage, because it's something you still believe in, but how much of those fears that's tying you to him could be as a function of your BPD and your reliance on him? What would happen if the marriage were to be over would be great cause for concern for anyone, T as the resulting uncertainty would be enough to worry anyone.
But just a passing thought, your new job which you've got. I know it's early days but what if doing that could help you to ignite a degree of self-dependance within yourself to the point wher it eventually becomes an autonomous process?
Troubling times but as always, my thoughts are with you T.
Your burning desire to keep on fighting for this marriage, because it's something you still believe in, but how much of those fears that's tying you to him could be as a function of your BPD and your reliance on him? What would happen if the marriage were to be over would be great cause for concern for anyone, T as the resulting uncertainty would be enough to worry anyone.
But just a passing thought, your new job which you've got. I know it's early days but what if doing that could help you to ignite a degree of self-dependance within yourself to the point wher it eventually becomes an autonomous process?
Troubling times but as always, my thoughts are with you T.
Just a few questions to think about. I don't have the answers though, only you can, sweets.
If you are in denial, are you more afraid of it being for 7 years, or for your whole life?
7 years means something, 20 means something, 50... How long in those years have you been fighting for it already? These don't count... Also, if you are or were in denial, what were these 7 years worth? What does it mean to be together with someone for you? Living at the same place? Caring and being cared for? Being happy with them and making them happy? What does it mean to love another person? Where is the limit?
There is also no such thing as wasted time. Life is not a race towards an end, life is living right now. Every experience forges you, it changes you, it allows you to grow.
I don't think you have created "a monster". Whoever he is, he hasn't become this person because of you. I do agree that all people crossing out path influence us and change us, but our actions are always personal choices in the end. You didn't force or manipulate him to do the "bad things". Also, was he an angel before meeting you?
Is he willing to put effort into the marriage? or is it only you? You can't make a marriage on your own, and I think the effort should be colossal given the situation.
I wish I could help, T, I wish I had the solution, I really do... But the future is open, it can look like a million different things.
If you are in denial, are you more afraid of it being for 7 years, or for your whole life?
7 years means something, 20 means something, 50... How long in those years have you been fighting for it already? These don't count... Also, if you are or were in denial, what were these 7 years worth? What does it mean to be together with someone for you? Living at the same place? Caring and being cared for? Being happy with them and making them happy? What does it mean to love another person? Where is the limit?
There is also no such thing as wasted time. Life is not a race towards an end, life is living right now. Every experience forges you, it changes you, it allows you to grow.
I don't think you have created "a monster". Whoever he is, he hasn't become this person because of you. I do agree that all people crossing out path influence us and change us, but our actions are always personal choices in the end. You didn't force or manipulate him to do the "bad things". Also, was he an angel before meeting you?
Is he willing to put effort into the marriage? or is it only you? You can't make a marriage on your own, and I think the effort should be colossal given the situation.
I wish I could help, T, I wish I had the solution, I really do... But the future is open, it can look like a million different things.
Right now I feel as if the pain below my waste and down to my legs and feet continues to slowly increase. Having had very sporadic sleep, upon getting up and showering I'm wondering if this is just age or self harm and hijacker's work but if I mention hijacker to the doctor he'll just shrug it off thinking my delusions are not worth serious consideration. So right now I'm in considerable pain, discomfort and frustration.
I hear this and wonder... if you were given a sack of 25 oranges (assuming you want oranges - or let that be something you'd prefer) but you found that after eating 18 or so the remaining had spoiled, would the first 18 have been a waste? Our society demands that we commit to marriage for a lifetime, so we look at marriage as something for forever, but it seems very common that that philosophy may not actually work. maybe we can't get a full bag. but maybe we should still cherish the amount we got and move on. Maybe the forever thing is not practical or feasible. Maybe moving on is not a crime. Maybe moving on allows a friendly separation and better feeling. Maybe in some cases its having the love with the person (and not the person) for only as long as the mutual love lasts. I am just wondering, having been inspired by your comments.
