Like I want to rip someone's head off with my bare hands. Argh! I've been irritable all day which I think is anxiety over my brother. Now my mother is trying to guilt-trip me into visiting him in hospital (the real goal is to get me to stay overnight at her residence) when he's only supposed to be in hospital for a few days.
Since I don't have a vehicle right now, I would have to take an Uber or two buses to get to the inter-city bus, board that bus for an hour, get the train at the other end, then get another bus to the hospital. Travel time about 2.5 hours each way, and cost $30 each way, so $60 total.
Also, the air here is bad from smoke and we're in a heat wave. None of this would matter however, if my brother wanted me to come visit. But he has his wife and son nearby, and I know he doesn't care if I visit while he's still in hospital. My mother is the one who wants me to go there so she can pressure me to stay in the "guest suite" at her independent living residence and eat meals in the dining room so she can show off that she has a daughter, because it's been a while since I was there. But I can go visit her much more easily when I have a vehicle and I HATE not sleeping in my own bed. Also I hate the food they have there - which is heavy on the pork and ground beef, neither of which I eat.
So I'm not going. But I feel guilty, as always. Well, a Buddhist monk I just listened to says we must have compassion first and foremost for ourselves and then for all beings. So I'm going to try and have compassion for myself. I love my brother and me refusing to visit has nothing to do with him.
