i'm sorry that you feel so low and sad right now @Holding my breath . we must always keep fighting to make our life a little better. it's ok to take a break to recharge before you fight again
mike....
mike....
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How Are You Feeling Right Now?
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life is worth living for almost everyone. everyone has a large road to journey between birth and death. we all have to deal with sharp turns and detours that can make life difficult. i have found on my journey especially in my later years that joy, any joy can go a long way when life shoots us with unpleasant situations. i hope your road straightens out soon so your life will encompass some happiness
mike.....
mike.....
If you need to rest @Holding my breath then that's what you must do. I hope that you have some resources to rely on, but you also have us here. I hope that you can find some peace soon. 
It's terrible for me to hear about how your sons have both turned out, when it comes to their level of respect of you. There's really no excuse. And even if there is, it gets harder & harder to hear... with each subsequent story or reason you give, and tell etc. I'm "guessing," that the older one 'thinks,' you're well enough to work -- because you are his Mother. And therefore, he is viewing you through his own biased, and subjective lens. One would hope that, if he were evaluating someone else, whom he did not know nor have a relationship with, that he would be able to render a different verdict. The younger, may just be maturing & developing at a slower rate than some. Or who knows? They do say they grow up (in general) a whole lot slower than they used to. I don't know if it's true. It certainly is a different world - & a far different one than I grew up in. That is for sure. But regardless, you'd like to think there's still hope for him... one day! I can't defend the older's actions. Other than to say, I am happy that there was some remorse long after the fact. Which I'd suppose is better than none at all~ / It's always a difficult call, for a Parent to judge, and I think each one has to evaluate their own case individually, and decide what works best for their given situation. It is easy to take advice, heat & criticism from others. And while I have never been a parent myself, I'd imagine it's not "one size fits all?" Anyway, all I can do is speak from my experiences then, and that is from the child or children's (Adult) point of view. In my case, had they not supported me, at 27 - when all hope was lost - & in the midst of what would be the worst &/or the most tumultuous period of my mental health. In terms of severity, instability, and et cetera~ *then there is no question that I would not be here today. None at all, whatsoever. For in the vain, or spirit of; 'sink or swim.' I know which one would've happened to me. I almost went out to L.A., BLIND in like ... well, what was I? 24! And this when, my one closest & best friend, had had such a falling: that she would not allow me access back into our apt. in order to remove my furnitutre, so that my parents & sister would have to do so. This was like in Nov. And then she finally did grant them access, in more like April. So by that point & time, whatever steam & momentum I had gained & mounted up was LONG GONE. Anyway, she was older & I was. . . well, whatever I was? Anyway! Another long story (boring) for another day~ Godda admire that Italian passion. Equally upset, as emotionally, Up? Or happy as in electrically good (in terms of energy/or charisma/ or charge* n' charm, maybe!) // I think she's still ticked at me. Even though she did come visit me & bring me starbucks at the psych ward some 5 yrs. Later~ So, waht do you know? When people get angry at me, it is usually not "Lightly." HA~ 
Anyway--> Sorry for the side-bar, & tangent, there; i don't know where I go tlost: or what came over me? I believe that it is not over for your sons. In terms of hope & belief that they can change in the future. That they wish for your change in disability status to suit their own needs, however, is mind boggling & baffling to me, quite honestly. It'd be one thing if they were right, or as in correct, on some of their reads. Then it might be a different story. Though still, I'd favor some compassion in the name of family & the dynamic that should exist between Mother & Sons. My situation at home (living) was not ideal. It was uncomfortable, and awkward to put it mildly or best. They both worked unbelievably. So I didn't see them as often as I otherwise would have. And it was unbearable enough as it was. Becuase I did not belong there. And they knew this. And they made it known to me (that I was not overly welcome) often. Unable to always work, but being treated professionally by both psychiatry & psychology. They & their pHd brains & minds, could not wrap their minds around, at the time (& I'm not certain much has changed?) ...the fact that, one could be receiving such care, such as being on meds, for depression or anxiety. And yet -- STILL Not be well (or getting much better). This was just (simply) incomprehensible to them. And they took their frustrations with this out on me routinely. So that was fun. Still, while not a treat to live & work or be with - around all of the time when they were home. Which still was not often. As when they did get some time off, they took off & went somewhere else. To in part, anyway, get away from me. Even if they do like, or love to travel. So bringing it back to you, then. Maybe they can come around sooner to a point or place where they can still reach a better or higher place of respect, with you. I would certainly hope this for you. For I can tell how much it is weighing on you. heavily, and on your heart & such. So that is what I'd wish for you. It might have to start with depriving them of some of your care. Or I don't know. If you go "cold turkey," on them. As in pull the plug on all or a lot of / many - things. They might have a tough time adjusting to that change. When it is such a radical departure from what they've been used to & accustomed to, from you. But just do your best, and whatever you can and think you're capable of pulling off, and achieving. Above all else: here is what you should do. . . Put yourself first~!* 
Anyway--> Sorry for the side-bar, & tangent, there; i don't know where I go tlost: or what came over me? I believe that it is not over for your sons. In terms of hope & belief that they can change in the future. That they wish for your change in disability status to suit their own needs, however, is mind boggling & baffling to me, quite honestly. It'd be one thing if they were right, or as in correct, on some of their reads. Then it might be a different story. Though still, I'd favor some compassion in the name of family & the dynamic that should exist between Mother & Sons. My situation at home (living) was not ideal. It was uncomfortable, and awkward to put it mildly or best. They both worked unbelievably. So I didn't see them as often as I otherwise would have. And it was unbearable enough as it was. Becuase I did not belong there. And they knew this. And they made it known to me (that I was not overly welcome) often. Unable to always work, but being treated professionally by both psychiatry & psychology. They & their pHd brains & minds, could not wrap their minds around, at the time (& I'm not certain much has changed?) ...the fact that, one could be receiving such care, such as being on meds, for depression or anxiety. And yet -- STILL Not be well (or getting much better). This was just (simply) incomprehensible to them. And they took their frustrations with this out on me routinely. So that was fun. Still, while not a treat to live & work or be with - around all of the time when they were home. Which still was not often. As when they did get some time off, they took off & went somewhere else. To in part, anyway, get away from me. Even if they do like, or love to travel. So bringing it back to you, then. Maybe they can come around sooner to a point or place where they can still reach a better or higher place of respect, with you. I would certainly hope this for you. For I can tell how much it is weighing on you. heavily, and on your heart & such. So that is what I'd wish for you. It might have to start with depriving them of some of your care. Or I don't know. If you go "cold turkey," on them. As in pull the plug on all or a lot of / many - things. They might have a tough time adjusting to that change. When it is such a radical departure from what they've been used to & accustomed to, from you. But just do your best, and whatever you can and think you're capable of pulling off, and achieving. Above all else: here is what you should do. . . Put yourself first~!*
Part of the reason I helped them so much is I don't have a home for them, to help in times of need. If I had my own home though, I'd probably kick them out because I've been through it before, no respect, no picking up after themselves, becoming bully like. I do believe I'm the cause of how they are now, but no one will help them, they have to help themselves. Sorry I typed too much. I'm thinking of your story and how you needed help at 27 and were able to go home to your parents. That's part of my guilt. I rent a room, it's all I can afford, yet this shouldn't be the cause of their anger to me, I think. I'm tired, no pain meds so again sorry for this mess.
Thankyou @Lane and @1964dodge feeling a little better this evening. Mostly because my husband hasn’t been as abusive today, or he’s had less opportunity. My trouble is, if he says something, anything, which is hurtful or controlling, I turn on myself and sh. It’s like my release mechanism and I can’t prevent it. Anyway, what’s done cannot be undone.
No worries, and I didn't find that to be a lot to read about! : ) I'm sorry, but your sons have not turned out the way they did on your account. Like all things, it is not so simple & cut and dry as that. Who knows? Without your help. Perhaps they fare far worse than they even are now? You just don't know. All you know, is that in your heart of hearts, you've tried every thing you could to do & try to help them each step of the way you can, or could... with whatever that may have entailed and that which you are capable of at the time. On the younger, you're right his condition may be preventing him from wishing/wanting to seek treatment. Regardless of what it is (in terms of his diagnosis). I'm sorry his doctor (was is a psychiatrist, by chance?) wasn't more helpful & truthful, or honest & forthright, or forth-coming with you. That doesn't seem to make much sense? Unless he or she was merely, hiding behind their insecurities over the competency with the handling of his care o r case (unable to decide definitively)? He may also lack awareness, or insight, in to his own complications or symptoms as a result of his diagnosis. Again, whatever it is. If we knew what is was, or is, then that would be awfullly helpful in being able to answer that question, among so many others. He does seem to have uncontrollable outbursts. For what(ever) that is worth? Now on the older, since he has just had a major life-changing, or altering event. Then maybe that is adding to the stress he is feeling which he is then transferring over onto his favorite scapegoat. If that's always been his go-to, or safe out, so to speak? Whatever it is, again, hope it gets better but maybe some time & space is what's ultimately needed. Looking back at 27, in spite of what you may think, it was simply one of the most if not the most, uncomfortable living environment/& or arrangement that i have ever had. But that is because both of them are very strong & opinionated as well as dynamic and engaging personalities. So they do a good job of ganging up on you as a team. And really bringing it to you, as though you are on the witness stand. And you'd better have some good dog gone answers, or they're not letting you off the hook. My old/elderly cat at the time, probably couldn't even hardly hear or see me but he could obviously still feel or sense me, and all that was going on in the atmosphere of the room. For each & every time they had at it with me, he would waltz on over and hop up into my lap. Attempting & trying to give me some comfort. I really wish that/those professionals who'd treated your son did a better job. But i guess, it is pretty hard to do & can be quite tricky at that age especially. As it can be difficult to ascribe or attribute with great clarity or accuracy, which symptoms belong to which disorder or thing. And which are just a (more) normal part of being a teen, and etc. Especially if given he wasn't overly cooperative in the process. Then that would only further complicate matters, or so I'd imagine. Not saying he was, but if so, then that would go in part to explaining how things transpired. Or they just weren't rock stars at their job. We're live humans, and not lab rats. The theories studied in school, don't always sync up well with, or translate seemlessly over onto o rinto: the 'real world,' or real life, so to speak. Practice, I guess~ is the saying! : ) Good luck @toomuchreality ~mr.b
Hey MrB, just wanted to say thank you so much for being so kind, caring and thoughtful typing that reply to me like that, I really appreciate it a lot 
Ya, I am just hoping for the best with the lunch with my gran this Saturday, and also doing all I can to prepare myself for it too. Just cannot afford to be blindsided by any kind of negativity right now, it’s the absolute last thing I need when I am already trying so hard to stay strong, positive, hopeful and optimistic about things.
Ya I am looking forward to hopefully being able to see the eclipse a bit tomorrow, it should be cool. Thanks for hoping/wishing me luck with being able to see it, and also with how it ends up going with my gran this Saturday. Wishing you a nice day
Oh and as for “how I’m feeling right now”, well a lot of things I guess - worried, guilty, uncertain, unclear, tired and maybe a bit stressed too. Will have a lot less stress at this time next week at least (hopefully, lol)
Ya, I am just hoping for the best with the lunch with my gran this Saturday, and also doing all I can to prepare myself for it too. Just cannot afford to be blindsided by any kind of negativity right now, it’s the absolute last thing I need when I am already trying so hard to stay strong, positive, hopeful and optimistic about things.Ya I am looking forward to hopefully being able to see the eclipse a bit tomorrow, it should be cool. Thanks for hoping/wishing me luck with being able to see it, and also with how it ends up going with my gran this Saturday. Wishing you a nice day
Oh and as for “how I’m feeling right now”, well a lot of things I guess - worried, guilty, uncertain, unclear, tired and maybe a bit stressed too. Will have a lot less stress at this time next week at least (hopefully, lol)
trust me i know how you feel. at one point a pain clinic made me go without my pain meds for 30 days to see if i still needed them. the withdrawl only lsted 4 or 5 days but the pain was horrific. my wife had to literally hold my hand and say how many days are left. i hope he gives you your pain meds today. if he doesn't you can talk in my inbox anytime and hopefully we can find a solution. you aren't alone
mike....
mike....
Lonely, tearful, afraid, raw
I'm missing my wife so much,. In a couple of days, it will be 14 years since her funeral, and I feel like I'm still saying goodbye.
I accept that my grief is the price for love, but it still hurts
I'm unsure whether I'll be able to remain in the house we shared
I'm also angry and resentful, that no matter how many times I reminded, implored, cajoled her about using the oxygen concentrator, so she could breathe while asleep, she would take it off, saying she could breathe fine with air from the floor vent, which was only recycled house air from the furnace or air conditioner.
No matter what I said about how she used (prescribed) opioids. I think she was addicted, and her therapist agreed. I even found a bottle of oxy from a second clinic,. I don't think there was any other time she was deceptive, or hid something like that.
She always insisted that it would be a long time till she left me alone. She said that if I died, she would have to be locked up, that she would go crazy without me. I'm the one who wound up hospitalized
Today, I feel like I'm still not "right" in the head, that the best part of me died, too.
peace
I'm missing my wife so much,. In a couple of days, it will be 14 years since her funeral, and I feel like I'm still saying goodbye.
I accept that my grief is the price for love, but it still hurts
I'm unsure whether I'll be able to remain in the house we shared
I'm also angry and resentful, that no matter how many times I reminded, implored, cajoled her about using the oxygen concentrator, so she could breathe while asleep, she would take it off, saying she could breathe fine with air from the floor vent, which was only recycled house air from the furnace or air conditioner.
No matter what I said about how she used (prescribed) opioids. I think she was addicted, and her therapist agreed. I even found a bottle of oxy from a second clinic,. I don't think there was any other time she was deceptive, or hid something like that.
She always insisted that it would be a long time till she left me alone. She said that if I died, she would have to be locked up, that she would go crazy without me. I'm the one who wound up hospitalized
Today, I feel like I'm still not "right" in the head, that the best part of me died, too.
peace
I'm really sorry about all of this, that you've had to go through, and with the anniversary coming up for you wife & everything... I just know that - that kind of abuse, is really tough to get over (from what I understand). So she may not have had full control over everything, or even been fully aware (of how bad things were going), or even if she did, she may then not have had the ability to "pump the brakes," get help (which isn't always guaranteed - as in, 'to work' by the way) or stop. Anyway I can understand your position you are now in and how & why you are feeling that way: in so far as one can from or by, just reading the words as you've written them here, and now. So I just hope that things can go as smoothly for you as they are allowed (to), or possibly can be expected (to be managed). Take care, man! -b.
i'm sorry that you lost your wife. grieving is a long process that can take many months or even years. try to put yourself in a reversed role. what would you want your wife to do if you had passed. i'm sure she would want you to move on and be happy again. she has been and will be part of your heart forever no matter what you do.
part of your post kind of hit home with me. i'm on an avap machine ( at home passive ventilator ) which is hooked up to an oxygen concentrator. when i came out of a coma 6 years ago for carbon monoxide poisoning because of smoking they said i had to be on oxygen 24/7 for the rest of my life. within a year i rarely used it in the day. i asked my lung specialist to come off of it at night as well, she said i had to use it at night just in case. what you said made me realize she was right.
as for your wife's pain meds it's difficult to really tell. if she was in a lot of pain she may have taken more than prescribed. although seeing meds from another doctor is troubling. everyone on opioids long term develops a physical dependance and sometimes it turns into a drug issue. if she did have a drug problem it probably wasn't her fault, and there was no way you could have known
mike....
part of your post kind of hit home with me. i'm on an avap machine ( at home passive ventilator ) which is hooked up to an oxygen concentrator. when i came out of a coma 6 years ago for carbon monoxide poisoning because of smoking they said i had to be on oxygen 24/7 for the rest of my life. within a year i rarely used it in the day. i asked my lung specialist to come off of it at night as well, she said i had to use it at night just in case. what you said made me realize she was right.
as for your wife's pain meds it's difficult to really tell. if she was in a lot of pain she may have taken more than prescribed. although seeing meds from another doctor is troubling. everyone on opioids long term develops a physical dependance and sometimes it turns into a drug issue. if she did have a drug problem it probably wasn't her fault, and there was no way you could have known
mike....
i'm sorry that you lost your wife. grieving is a long process that can take many months or even years. try to put yourself in a reversed role. what would you want your wife to do if you had passed. i'm sure she would want you to move on and be happy again. she has been and will be part of your heart forever no matter what you do.
part of your post kind of hit home with me. i'm on an avap machine ( at home passive ventilator ) which is hooked up to an oxygen concentrator. when i came out of a coma 6 years ago for carbon monoxide poisoning because of smoking they said i had to be on oxygen 24/7 for the rest of my life. within a year i rarely used it in the day. i asked my lung specialist to come off of it at night as well, she said i had to use it at night just in case. what you said made me realize she was right.
as for your wife's pain meds it's difficult to really tell. if she was in a lot of pain she may have taken more than prescribed. although seeing meds from another doctor is troubling. everyone on opioids long term develops a physical dependance and sometimes it turns into a drug issue. if she did have a drug problem it probably wasn't her fault, and there was no way you could have known
mike....
part of your post kind of hit home with me. i'm on an avap machine ( at home passive ventilator ) which is hooked up to an oxygen concentrator. when i came out of a coma 6 years ago for carbon monoxide poisoning because of smoking they said i had to be on oxygen 24/7 for the rest of my life. within a year i rarely used it in the day. i asked my lung specialist to come off of it at night as well, she said i had to use it at night just in case. what you said made me realize she was right.
as for your wife's pain meds it's difficult to really tell. if she was in a lot of pain she may have taken more than prescribed. although seeing meds from another doctor is troubling. everyone on opioids long term develops a physical dependance and sometimes it turns into a drug issue. if she did have a drug problem it probably wasn't her fault, and there was no way you could have known
mike....