I’m not sure what to say. I’m just feeling really lonely and utterly unlovable right now. And I know the last one probably isn’t true so then I feel ashamed for not being to dispel the feeling and accompanying thoughts. I’m normally really good at identifying, naming, and then just sitting with my emotions until they pass, but the heartbreak I’ve been feeling for the last few months is overwhelming my normal ability to cope.
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How Are You Feeling Right Now?
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Awake. 6am today. Could be a lot worse I suppose. Woke with my mind blissfully only aware of the major thing this week which was the unexpected sudden death in the family, which I can deal with but overshadowed the week. About 5 seconds later yesterday's work problem entered stage right and started doing anxiety somersaults in my mind. Bugger off work.
I don't feel quite as stressed or anxious about it, but it's nagging at me. I will talk to my mentor/manager on Monday and then start talking to all the people concerned. I'm going to have to take some responsibility but it's not all my fault, the worst I've done is trust someone to be more competent than they actually are and take them at their word, instead of getting confirmation of their job requirements in writing. I've basically under-managed someone because of a miscommunication but this has broken a regulation as they should have had more oversight which leads to some safety concerns and may invalidate their probation period. Thankfully nothing has actually happened, but they take the regulations and managing risks quite seriously. Oh well. Can wait until Monday. People are going to be pissed off, it's going to be a shit storm, but I've weathered worse.
For now it's Saturday, and I will try to relax and enjoy the day. Got to catch up with Star Trek Discovery as I'm weeks behind and Doctor Who is on I think.
I don't feel quite as stressed or anxious about it, but it's nagging at me. I will talk to my mentor/manager on Monday and then start talking to all the people concerned. I'm going to have to take some responsibility but it's not all my fault, the worst I've done is trust someone to be more competent than they actually are and take them at their word, instead of getting confirmation of their job requirements in writing. I've basically under-managed someone because of a miscommunication but this has broken a regulation as they should have had more oversight which leads to some safety concerns and may invalidate their probation period. Thankfully nothing has actually happened, but they take the regulations and managing risks quite seriously. Oh well. Can wait until Monday. People are going to be pissed off, it's going to be a shit storm, but I've weathered worse.
For now it's Saturday, and I will try to relax and enjoy the day. Got to catch up with Star Trek Discovery as I'm weeks behind and Doctor Who is on I think.
Elated. I shouldn't have looked at work stuff on the weekend but am glad I did. My anxious monkey mind was tormenting me about my work issue all yesterday and was still piping up today - so I just went in and looked at all the emails concerning the matter, and it's now clear that I attempted several times to push for the correct requirements to be followed, this was rebutted by the employee several times, and in the end they claimed a higher manager had OK'd the arrangement we agreed on. Having already emphasized the importance of the requirement specifics several times, I took this as read as I'm not into double checking if 2 = 2 more than 3 times. The killer is, I have an email with these managers copied in where the incorrect requirements are stated by the employee - so if they come back at me and try to pin responsibility on me, I have a proveable paper trail which shows they should have nipped this in the bud at the time as they were copied in (but clearly didn't read!) and so I assumed were in tacit agreement with what the employee said. I'm a consummate professional at what I do and the email trail makes it clear - beyond what was discussed verbally as well - that I did everything in my power to point out the correct requirements and I was ignored at very turn in the process. Any comeback and I will launch an all out assault as it turns out I've done everything by the book and can prove it. Phew!
I suppose I just need to work on my skills of not being ignored when I state facts. But humans gonna human.
I suppose I just need to work on my skills of not being ignored when I state facts. But humans gonna human.
I'm sorry @toomuchreality - Please keep talking to us here, if it helps! Thanks, & take care. :^)
'sSore eyed. Took a knock out pill last night and slept through for about 8 hours, but when I sleep a lot I wake up with sore eyes 👀
Hopefully they wear off with coffee and wakefulness!
The terrible anxiety from yesterday hasn't followed me. Thanks to my legacy alert system, the more I try to relax and forget about a problem (that will be sorted eventually), the more my anxiety ramps up. My body thinks I'm lounging around on a rock while multiple threats approach from all directions, and is yelling at me to do something. It's OK - the threat is only work stuff and I can't do anything until Monday, so stop it with the cortisol!
Hopefully they wear off with coffee and wakefulness!
The terrible anxiety from yesterday hasn't followed me. Thanks to my legacy alert system, the more I try to relax and forget about a problem (that will be sorted eventually), the more my anxiety ramps up. My body thinks I'm lounging around on a rock while multiple threats approach from all directions, and is yelling at me to do something. It's OK - the threat is only work stuff and I can't do anything until Monday, so stop it with the cortisol!
Calmer. But also starting with some anxiety again. I really have to do the garden, there are trees growing through the cracks in the patio and on the grassy bit. I should never have saddled myself with a garden. I usually end up leaving it all summer then paying someone a lot of money to tear it all out and leave it ready for another year. This year I wanted to keep on top of it but haven't yet done so. Every time I look out I cringe. It wouldn't be so bad but I've had some issues with neigbour on one side and they are often out in their garden and the walls are lower than head height so they can see over. Also about 20 windows of other houses look out directly on to my garden so going out makes me feel self conscious. Bizarre but that's how I feel, I used to pay someone to do the gardening and when I did do it I got it over with as quickly as possible. Going to try to see it as exercise as well, maybe do it before a run. I know I'll feel better if I do just half an hour on it (like many other tasks lately) but the inertia is crippling.
Sounds like it was good, then?! 
I remember reading one called... something like, not NIghtmares & Dreamscapes- but "Older." Anyway, it was good (collection of short storis) on a summer junior high / middle school campling trip in the wilderness~* I can still see the cover, ahd this eye in the center of a hand w/gauze wrapped around. . . I think? 
I remember reading one called... something like, not NIghtmares & Dreamscapes- but "Older." Anyway, it was good (collection of short storis) on a summer junior high / middle school campling trip in the wilderness~* I can still see the cover, ahd this eye in the center of a hand w/gauze wrapped around. . . I think?
Sounds like it was good, then?! I remember reading one called... something like, not NIghtmares & Dreamscapes- but "Older." Anyway, it was good (collection of short storis) on a summer junior high / middle school campling trip in the wilderness~* I can still see the cover, ahd this eye in the center of a hand w/gauze wrapped around. . . I think?
I remember reading one called... something like, not NIghtmares & Dreamscapes- but "Older." Anyway, it was good (collection of short storis) on a summer junior high / middle school campling trip in the wilderness~* I can still see the cover, ahd this eye in the center of a hand w/gauze wrapped around. . . I think?
