How Are You Feeling Right Now?

[Lane]

kind of tired. Therapy session was good, at first, then I realised it shows how the way I am often hurts people. I don't want to give up, but this sort of therapy shows the world would be a ncer place if I wasn't existing.

I had to reread this post to see if I read it correctly. I can't imagine you hurting anyone. You lift people up here and have a beautiful soul seabird. Maybe that particular therapy session was a bust. Big 's.

 

[AvidFan]

Right now, OK and stable, best I have since last Friday (when I was well and extremely calm before getting hit by a massive wave on Monday). But not counting the stability chickens!

 

[puffymilk]

Pretty great. I believe in this sort of things so just ignore it lol. Been talking about Chinese zodiac, fortune telling and stuff like that with my friend. I had a dream about my old crush from elementary school and I've been thinking about him since.... Also there was a time where someone told me that I would marry a Virgo, and he's a Virgo so.... yeah maybe I'm just being delusional about it lol

 

[AvidFan]

WTF, now it's not a holiday or a flat out refusal, but the person who does the windows had a heart attack and is on a reduced workload. What the absolute fuck am I supposed to do about this?

 

[AvidFan]

I'm Ok I think. I got massive anxiety before a video call earlier, I was almost in a panic state, nearly dosed propranolol which helps acute anxiety sometimes, but it also slows heart rate and I don't like running with it in my system. Anyway the anxiety is now gone, I do normally get a small amount of apprehension when talking to someone new for the first time, but my nervous system is so revved up at the moment it seems to get magnified. Fortunately no new people until next week now so hopefully I can settle down. Trying not to think of other things, I'm not even near the foothills so no point trying to climb mountains.

 

[Windhover]

Thank you @AvidFan. The therapy was to help a situation specific to me. It's hard to know which perspective is most accurate, so of course when confronted, lol I immediately feel mine must be bad/wrong. But I've already acted on it, and it was made clear to me it's having a negative impact on people close to me.

I'm really glad I've been helpful; that's one of the only bits I can believe in about myself.

 

[Windhover]

stability chickens

this gave me a funny image in my brain.
Our stability chickens. Quietly clucking in the yard eating bugs one moment, at other times running wildly around squawking and fighting amongnst themselves.
I hope you're doing okay.

 

[Windhover]

I can't imagine you hurting anyone.

Thank you Lane.

 

[LumberJack]

I do normally get a small amount of apprehension when talking to someone new for the first time, but my nervous system is so revved up at the moment it seems to get magnified. Fortunately no new people until next week now so hopefully I can settle down. Trying not to think of other things, I'm not even near the foothills so no point trying to climb mountains.

I get nervous with new people, too. Even if it’s in a social context, but also with work. I wish I had a solution, but what works for me might not work for you. I am noticing that your posts are mentioning anxiety frequently, and you do have a lot of real adult issues (like the ant problem) to deal with. My anxiety is less realistic; I worry about things like North Korea launching missiles and other geopolitical instability scenarios. Stuff that I have no control over, but would be really really bad. Also I have a tendency to assume that my coworkers must think I’m an idiot, because my mental illness makes me so much slower. I am working on that, though.

 

[HappyKitty]

as my religion I used to fast one month but because of my adrenal insufficiency stuffs, im told its okay not to like I cant fast anymore but can do other rituals. that and requiring to take meds every 2 hrs from start I wake up till bed time... Im so in denial.

 

[LumberJack]

Right now I feel completely not suicidal. I’m not optimistic about the future, but I have no intention to take myself out to avoid the inevitable problems that come with aging.

So I’m concerned that I still keep having these intrusive thoughts about suicide. I mean, I might be trying to decide what to have for lunch, and my mind will just think like, I could get a burrito, maybe a sandwich or.. I should just kill myself. I believe that these thoughts have been so strong for so long that they have become obsessive.

I’m not diagnosed OCD but that’s because I don’t admit to my compulsive behavior in therapy. I’m embarrassed about it. I have been trying to build up the courage to bring it up, but it’s so hard to do that. I keep it compartmentalized in my own mind because if I didn’t, it would probably tear me apart.

I get distressed by the thoughts. It feels good to be doing better, but it’s also like my mind is a pesky roommate that is just pitching a fit all the damn time.

 

[Angie]

@LumberJack I get intrusive thoughts too, just like you describe, trying to decide on lunch, salad, frozen dinner or suicide. Its frustrating.

 

[Angie]

I am currently on a damn roller coaster of mood.

No idea why.

 

[Bergerac]

Angry, sad

 

[AvidFan]

Oh dear Jesus God. The handyperson I replied to on Tuesday, has just got back to me asking me why I haven't replied. The email is in my sent folder. I've replied again so heaven knows if this will work. This is becoming a bloody saga. At least he seems interested and is not a) On holiday b) dead c) incapacitated d)not bothered. 😂

 

[AvidFan]

Rushed. I've got a video call at 6pm and not even carted the laptop up to the office. Last call of the day and then the next few days are light, work-wise, I really need the rest at the moment after the time I've been through.

 

[AvidFan]

Feeling a bit hopeful. I know when I am well and functioning I have the potential to earn quite a lot of money which will come in handy for all the issues I need to solve. The problem is I haven't been very well and functioning for a few months now and have been scared I will no longer be able to function and work. But today I got a glimpse of my old self and it's good to know I'm still there underneath the brain fog, stress and exhaustion. At the moment the anxiety, physical and mental, is not present.

 

[SillyOldBear]

tired, tired, tired

 

[Angie]

trying to find some way to encourage myself

 

[LumberJack]

Agitated. I can’t focus and I’m working on a project that has high visibility to the larger organization. So, naturally I’m sabotaging myself. I was a procrastinator before, but in the spotlight I have found a new level of procrastination and generally crumbling under pressure. I’m exaggerating for effect, but damn. It’s a lot of stress even though I’m confident I can do this. It’s not technically challenging but it’s important to my boss’s boss’s boss. So 3 levels up the org chart. My manager didn’t tell me about the time pressure until today. I would have pulled my act together by now if I knew there was a timing component.

Whatever, I will succeed or fail. All I can do is give it my best and hopefully that will showcase my skills to leaders. If I fail, well then I’ll probably be written up, but that’s happened before and I got through somehow. Sure as hell was not pleasant, but I got through it.