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How Are You Feeling Right Now?
- Thread starter UNREGISTERED0000
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Thank you. Please feel free to share whatever is relevant to you. I appreciate support in its own right. I also believe you are allowed to say something is possible before you have proven it to yourself. You have not proven it to yourself, yet.
I think we have to support each other in our struggles. I don’t think it’s a secret that the clinical profession is unconcerned with a patient’s long term outcome. The only people who understand are those who have been there, as in us.
And even though I can say this type of thing to you and others, I don’t seem to get it internalized. Right now I am really struggling with how to deal with this persistent anger. I am frustrated about too many things and I’m stuck between venting/having a private meltdown versus trying to see it as arbitrary and impermanent.
I think we have to support each other in our struggles. I don’t think it’s a secret that the clinical profession is unconcerned with a patient’s long term outcome. The only people who understand are those who have been there, as in us.
And even though I can say this type of thing to you and others, I don’t seem to get it internalized. Right now I am really struggling with how to deal with this persistent anger. I am frustrated about too many things and I’m stuck between venting/having a private meltdown versus trying to see it as arbitrary and impermanent.
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@LumberJack for what it's worth, I see this stage or chapter, or book (🤨) as one of several times in my life when I have no options except relatively bleak choices.
I can't stay in bed because I get too antsy and depressed so I have to put aside my discouragement for a little while. Discouragement never leaves me anymore.
I'm aware it is in league with other so to speak enemy thoughts like self-judgements, high dudgeon at someone who has hurt me, wanting to hide, voices telling me I'm not worth it, the si, the voices reminding me I'm crap at adulting, the voices of past abuse telling me I'm already dead. They're all like vicious little programs running in my mind's systems; helping each other but hurting and draining me.
To begin to get through I have to start with very small actions. When I manage to 'do something' I get to cross it off the list (bit of dopamine), remind myself it was in fact vital, and then make a new addition to the list. While writing this I feel silly how many words, it's just ridiculous for me to ever be optimistic, and tempting fate to slap me down even harder.
I haven't gotten much accomplished yet. This coming week will require more of the above than I feel I've got in me, but there's no other way out of here.
I can't stay in bed because I get too antsy and depressed so I have to put aside my discouragement for a little while. Discouragement never leaves me anymore.
I'm aware it is in league with other so to speak enemy thoughts like self-judgements, high dudgeon at someone who has hurt me, wanting to hide, voices telling me I'm not worth it, the si, the voices reminding me I'm crap at adulting, the voices of past abuse telling me I'm already dead. They're all like vicious little programs running in my mind's systems; helping each other but hurting and draining me.
To begin to get through I have to start with very small actions. When I manage to 'do something' I get to cross it off the list (bit of dopamine), remind myself it was in fact vital, and then make a new addition to the list. While writing this I feel silly how many words, it's just ridiculous for me to ever be optimistic, and tempting fate to slap me down even harder.
I haven't gotten much accomplished yet. This coming week will require more of the above than I feel I've got in me, but there's no other way out of here.
I think people can give you an answer from personal experience, but there are so many different marriages under different circumstances that you can't really get an understanding of how marriage is, or how marriage would be for you from the answers you'd get.
It's a bit like asking "How does food taste? And how will you feel a few hours after eating?". It's anywhere from great to horrible.
If you're not married, it's probably better not to torment yourself by putting marriage on a pedestal. Lots of marriages are hell and many people regret getting married. If you really want to get married and you've found someone that you want to get married to, then you probably shouldn't let horror stories about marriage stop you. Lots of people are happy about being married.
It's a bit like asking "How does food taste? And how will you feel a few hours after eating?". It's anywhere from great to horrible.
If you're not married, it's probably better not to torment yourself by putting marriage on a pedestal. Lots of marriages are hell and many people regret getting married. If you really want to get married and you've found someone that you want to get married to, then you probably shouldn't let horror stories about marriage stop you. Lots of people are happy about being married.
I tried to be productive. I went to meditation in a group setting and then got home, but I was not right. No better way to explain it - it was just that feeling I get some times that I have learned is a sign that I should not be making long term decisions until I feel calmer. Which, I guess I should pay attention to because I've got a severe urge right now to make the longest term decision possible. I'm doing my best. I also feel like I've turned way inward, which means I don't feel self-aware to try and offer comfort to someone in a different, but equally troubling, place. But maybe I'm putting the cart before the horse. Or the egg before the chicken? Whatever barnyard metaphor is appropriate, it does occur to me that this might be a dynamic that moves when I move it, rather than waiting until I feel better.
So I laid down, because that was the only way I was confident that I wouldn't hurt myself. I got a quick nap, but I felt no better after the rest. Instead, I wrote an angry email to the business that I feel is not holding up their end of the bargain. For my part, I took pains not to make any direct accusations, nor any assumptions about the intentions or attitudes of the parties on the opposite side of the table. However, I did say that dropping my issue 3 times in a row is something that I would like to discuss. The problem is that when I feel this way, what looks emotionally neutral to me might be incendiary to someone else. I have learned this through experience.
However, through experience I have also learned that I have never regretted saving a draft for 24 hours and review it then before I hit Send. Usually I am pretty glad that I did. Unfortunately my greatest talent is that can I be straight up vitriolic when I don't intend to. Like seriously - if Hallmark paid for irate customer screeds to sell on grocery store shelves, I'd be working right now.
Nonetheless, getting some of these thoughts in writing gave me a break from turning them against myself. I haven't touched any of my chores yet. This is disappointing, but that is mitigated by the fact that it's probably good I didn't take the risk of making things even worse. I'm really worried I could accidentally break something, and then escalate by intentionally breaking everything else.
So I laid down, because that was the only way I was confident that I wouldn't hurt myself. I got a quick nap, but I felt no better after the rest. Instead, I wrote an angry email to the business that I feel is not holding up their end of the bargain. For my part, I took pains not to make any direct accusations, nor any assumptions about the intentions or attitudes of the parties on the opposite side of the table. However, I did say that dropping my issue 3 times in a row is something that I would like to discuss. The problem is that when I feel this way, what looks emotionally neutral to me might be incendiary to someone else. I have learned this through experience.
However, through experience I have also learned that I have never regretted saving a draft for 24 hours and review it then before I hit Send. Usually I am pretty glad that I did. Unfortunately my greatest talent is that can I be straight up vitriolic when I don't intend to. Like seriously - if Hallmark paid for irate customer screeds to sell on grocery store shelves, I'd be working right now.
Nonetheless, getting some of these thoughts in writing gave me a break from turning them against myself. I haven't touched any of my chores yet. This is disappointing, but that is mitigated by the fact that it's probably good I didn't take the risk of making things even worse. I'm really worried I could accidentally break something, and then escalate by intentionally breaking everything else.
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I snapped out a deeply sarcastic remark yesterday; and while in hindsight I always wish these didn't happen... in this case it's probably not an entirely bad thing. There are some people who'll crush you just because they can. I am being crushed by them in other ways. But, perhaps now there's a boundary to stop some of their verbal attacks. They are compensating for something and I can't get away soon enough.
Sorry you have toxic people too. I told my sister everything I've been through the last 2 weeks and more, and the fact I have imaging at hospital this week. I got a totally dismissive and unempathetic response, which is all I expect really. Almost like "what do you expect at your age" like 55 is done and finished (it isn't, and people get illnesses at all sorts of ages, and everyone deserves a bit of compassion when they are ill). She has always longed for me to fail, minimised all my achievements over the years, and minimised everything I've ever been through - and to be honest I don't know why I've kept up minimal contact vs no contact. I suppose No Contact would erase the facade and create conflict, so I just go through the motions and the "how are you" messages every 3 weeks and 2 hours of face to face at Christmas. She is not actually interested in how I am, more just checking I haven't done the family the inconvenience of being dead.
I have a half brother that I no longer have contact with. He and his wife did reach out when I was diagnosed with cancer, and did the whole "if you need anything, let us know". Well I did end up needing a ride home from the hospital after surgery (long story) and I asked and their response was "good luck getting a ride". Maybe it was an impossible thing to ask on such short notice, and I acknowledge that, but it stung.
I am sorry your sister treated you like that, I understand.
I am sorry your sister treated you like that, I understand.