Sending a good thought that you'll feel better, that the psychosis will stop, very soon. We're here for one another @crowgarden. I'm glad you were able to post about it.
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@crowgarden that sounds scary. do you have support to stay safe? I hope you can stay safe, get help and feel better soon.
I’m struggling with anger. It’s like I have all this energy but it’s pure adrenaline, as opposed to inspiration or motivation. All this energy wants to do is HULK SMASH!!! I have a gym downstairs with a heavy bag. I don’t have gloves though. Time to go shopping! Oh how will I ever survive?
I’m feeling a little overheated too, and it’s the kind of heat that builds up when I’m going too hard at exercise. I’m not sweating though and I’m afraid to take my pulse. I don’t want to create a feedback loop where taking my pulse makes me more anxious, which raises my heart rate even more, so I better take it again… repeat. Just going of the pulse I feel in my neck, though, it’s faster than normal for this time of day.
I’m feeling a little overheated too, and it’s the kind of heat that builds up when I’m going too hard at exercise. I’m not sweating though and I’m afraid to take my pulse. I don’t want to create a feedback loop where taking my pulse makes me more anxious, which raises my heart rate even more, so I better take it again… repeat. Just going of the pulse I feel in my neck, though, it’s faster than normal for this time of day.
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A bit shook up. I just had a convo with a gentleman who is in grief over his older brother's suicide. Poor guy is absolutely wrecked rn. I did my best to ensure he was safe and there's someone at the apartment with him so as long as that's true he should make it to tomorrow. Unfortunately he's been drinking heavily and mentioned his eyes turning yellowish. I don't think he's getting out of this one without medical care. All I can do though is be a nonjudgmental sounding board.
It rammed home for me the aftereffects that my suicide might have on the people who care whether I live or die. I'm not in that set, but whatever. I know from my own challenges that his brother probably never meant to hurt him or anyone else by inflicting grief upon them. I never meant to hurt my family either but I was 23. My family would be going thru stuff like that and it's intense. At the same time I cannot blame his brother because I've been to that point. Where it's not a choice anymore. Logic is stupid. Talking to someone is stupid because they'd try to help or talk me out of it. All that matters is getting the method ASAP. By that point, the choice is to go quickly or suffer a slow death of suffocation over dozens of long years.
The effect it's having on me is that I know I could end up in the planning a suicide stage again. I know damn well I'm not immune. But all we can do is one day at a time so that's where my focus is. Man, so many people; so much grief.
And with that sunny news, I'm off to bed.
It rammed home for me the aftereffects that my suicide might have on the people who care whether I live or die. I'm not in that set, but whatever. I know from my own challenges that his brother probably never meant to hurt him or anyone else by inflicting grief upon them. I never meant to hurt my family either but I was 23. My family would be going thru stuff like that and it's intense. At the same time I cannot blame his brother because I've been to that point. Where it's not a choice anymore. Logic is stupid. Talking to someone is stupid because they'd try to help or talk me out of it. All that matters is getting the method ASAP. By that point, the choice is to go quickly or suffer a slow death of suffocation over dozens of long years.
The effect it's having on me is that I know I could end up in the planning a suicide stage again. I know damn well I'm not immune. But all we can do is one day at a time so that's where my focus is. Man, so many people; so much grief.
And with that sunny news, I'm off to bed.
