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How Are You Feeling Right Now?
- Thread starter UNREGISTERED0000
- Start date
I'm pretty good today. My legs are tired after the 10k but nothing too bad. It's a recovery day today. I have created a loose framework for a plan to travel and find out what if anything can be done in getting me housing in Oz. There's no confidence in it at all, but working on it keeps my mind away from the anxiety loops.
Tired but at least not stressed out of my mind. I even got my difficult report finished and held back from responding to the email to and fro I'm in at the moment. I've realised no matter what I do I won't win, so instead of trying to convince the unconvinceables, I'm going to politely defer to their position, say I made a mistake, but have course-corrected now and put it all in the "forget about it" file - and hopefully that will be the end of that. Sticks in my throat but life's too short for unwinnable battles when you're outnumbered and depleted. Something I have learned.
Awake. I'm experiencing time drift, in that I seem to be going to bed earlier and and getting up earlier. My normal routine would be go to bed about 2-3am, get up about 10 or 11. Been like that for years, always thought it was because I'm a night person. Now I'm going to bed about midnight and waking up at 8am like a regular ish person. I feel functional, it's when I wake up at 4am problems occur. I'll go with being a regular (ish) person for a while, it just means I have to adjust to starting work earlier. Of course this could all change if one day I wake up at 4am and then have to go bed at 9pm. They do say as you get older you sleep less, maybe this is the start. At least I am getting some sleep, regardless of the windows in which it occurs. I can get some shit done before my midday dentist checkup.
I have very mixed feelings. Just after I last posted I set off to do something else, and my laptop started lagging to the point of being unuseable. never had any problems with either this or my last laptop in this regard, though did have some other issues with the old one. It couldn't even keep up with my typing. So I just restarted - don't panic, right. Then it took 4 minutes to boot (normally 30 seconds), then everything was laggy for another 10 minutes. I was about to look at doing a system restore and had gone off to get my backup drive to get my work stuff on just in case, when it suddenly started working normally again. Nothing in Task Manager was showing as hogging the resources, there was really no explanation. It's a fast machine and this is the first time I've noticed any lag at all, let alone serious lag, eg excel taking a minute to open instead of 2 seconds. As quick as it happened, it seems to have improved. All I can think of is some large update in the background. So I've gone from mild panic to relief, but also feeling cautious as I don't know what caused it. Just posting this before I reboot and see what happens.
Anxious. Just fired off my email hopefully putting the work thing to bed once and for all. And also due at dentists in a few minutes - only a check up and hygienist, but the hygienist is like torture to me, find it intensely uncomfortable when the water starts dribbling down my throat while implements are poking around in there. I hope I live!
Stable. Both times I got out of the reclining dental chairs I went dizzy and almost lost my balance. Felt normal again very quickly but I must have looked drunk. I do sometimes get it if I squat then stand up, I suppose lying almost upside down really messes with the blood flow around the body, but never been that bad before. Survived the waterboarding and my teeth and gums are 100% well.
Let down. I asked my retiring manager for a meeting to try to help me with the transition and everything that's been going on lately. He turned me down, not interested in helping. Clearly the care was never there at all, it was just a facade. Fuck you, man.
Ask for help they say, talk about it they say, people will always be willing to help or listen. Not me they don't, not out there in the world beyond SF anyway. Fuck it all.
Ask for help they say, talk about it they say, people will always be willing to help or listen. Not me they don't, not out there in the world beyond SF anyway. Fuck it all.
Fed up of misunderstandings caused by language. It's at the root of some of what's going on right now, and it appears my original request to manager was misunderstood, now it's clarified I've been offered some time. It's a sign my surge capacity is so depleted, the smallest things are setting me off and I'm on a hair trigger taking things personally.
Shafted. Just found out my brother-in-law's funeral is the exact day and time as my retiring manager's leaving ceremony/gathering. So of all the times and all the days the funeral could have been, life makes me choose between two important endings/goodbyes and ensures I don't have full closure with at least one of them. For absolute fuck's sake.
What kind of irony is this.
The guy asked me out a few days ago and i tried to give him signals. Im bad at saying no. But i said as classmates its not a good idea. He was like, think about it more.
I didnt talk to him and acted distant for a few days, just now he messaged me to say im right and its not meant to be. He didnt even write a proper message. And he didnt even bother to read my last message. He just left. The whole thing was so fake.
Why is men's pride so freaking fragile...
Dude was like, im asking u out but dont tell anyone. And if we go in a relationship lets keep it a secret. B*tch said it was fine by him but he is doing this as a favor to me because the city is small and for girls its not good to be talked about because its still taboo??? It disgusts me enough that you left the middle east and are living in europe with that same mindset still, and if i say i prefer going for european guys because they arent so backwards (obv i didnt say it his pride is so fragile)...
Previously, to me he has been complaining about the fact that iranian girls have been dating europeans here. He exactly said that they use your bodies and f**k u and throw u away like a piece of trash.
Imagine if i said yes to being the girlfriend of such a huge jerk.
The guy asked me out a few days ago and i tried to give him signals. Im bad at saying no. But i said as classmates its not a good idea. He was like, think about it more.
I didnt talk to him and acted distant for a few days, just now he messaged me to say im right and its not meant to be. He didnt even write a proper message. And he didnt even bother to read my last message. He just left. The whole thing was so fake.
Why is men's pride so freaking fragile...
Dude was like, im asking u out but dont tell anyone. And if we go in a relationship lets keep it a secret. B*tch said it was fine by him but he is doing this as a favor to me because the city is small and for girls its not good to be talked about because its still taboo??? It disgusts me enough that you left the middle east and are living in europe with that same mindset still, and if i say i prefer going for european guys because they arent so backwards (obv i didnt say it his pride is so fragile)...
Previously, to me he has been complaining about the fact that iranian girls have been dating europeans here. He exactly said that they use your bodies and f**k u and throw u away like a piece of trash.
Imagine if i said yes to being the girlfriend of such a huge jerk.