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How Are You Feeling Right Now?
- Thread starter UNREGISTERED0000
- Start date
unfortunately, food banks are a common necessity these days. even people that made a good living before are hurting now. we use a food bank occasionaly, it used to be embarrasing but no longr. we also try to donate when we can usually a 100 cans of pasta or vegetables at a time when we are doing well. food banks used to be for the very poor but with rising inflation more and more people need it.
mike....
mike....
I hope I'm wrong
a little bit of a rough day, tired and high pain level but finally coming down. today is the last day of this heat wave in the 90s. i went out for a few hours yesterday because i had to and my 64 dodge doesn't have air conditioning. at the last store i had to call my wife to wrap t up because couldn't take the heat. a very short time later i remembered the fan under the seat lol. thank god for air conditioning i can bring my apartment down from almost 90 to low 70s in an hour. i feel sorry for people with no ac in this heat. so right now i'm doing ok, not great but good enough
mike
mike
☆☆☆Trigger Warning - post mentions organized ab*se & suic*dal urges☆☆☆
Hello,
I hope I don't sound too selfish in asking to be heard & understood today versus offering support. Please excuse me if I don't go into great detail. I don't want to trigger anyone. However, I need to say I'm a survivor of severe ab*se in childhood & adolescence including organized ab*se & bullying throughout school. Easter, springtime, & my May birthday are huge triggers for me. I suffer from Dissociative Identity Disorder, Complex PTSD, & Major Depressive Disorder. I'm dealing with flashbacks & abreactions (i.e., reliving an entire ab*se episode physically & emotionally) daily - & often multiple times a day - since late last March. For the past two weeks I'm also dealing with suic*dal urges that come in waves & originate from me & two of my child alters inside that went through some of my severest ab*se. I arranged to see my new therapist this coming Monday afternoon for an emergency session because the suic*dal urges are increasing in severity. (My last therapist retired & closed his practice.) They're especially strong the last few days including today. I stayed home from work today because I can't focus & concentrate due to everything that's going on. I hope my therapist can help me help myself diffuse things so that I can cope & function better. I'm getting very tired & beginning to think this is no way to live. I'm taking Paxil for my C-PTSD, but it's not helping me at all right now. I used to take Effexor XR, which helped me more with my C-PTSD symptoms. However, my family doctor switched me to Paxil because I also have hypertension & Effexor is known to increase blood pressure as a side-effect. That's where I am right now. I don't want to go on & on. I don't want people to think that I think I'm the only one with problems. I know I'm not. Thank you for reading.
Mosaic Hearts
No reason to feel negative with how things are for yourself and so many. That fact that you wish you didn't need to shows that you would not visit the bank except that it is a necessity and that you would handle for yourself if you could. Having a need is better than those that just expect because they want.
i can't say if it will be worth it or not. but as you probably know i was severely depressed because i had no hope, i knew i could never get better and all of my physical issues will get worse. well it is getting worse but that isn't the end.
i started to fight hard again, i mean my goal was relentless. i can't get additional opioid pain meds but looked fo other solutions. i found a way to compensate with other things. i also found a way to honestly evaluate myself. i learned to think of my glass as half full not half empty. i have a lot of physical issues but i still fight. sometimes when i get a bad pain spike i think of ctb but remind myself the pain will go down.
i know you have a lot of serious physical and emotional issues. you may or may not get rid of all your issues but they may get better. if you quit life will get worse every year with no hope in site and could lead to a possible suicide, i know i'm pleased i didn't ctb. but if you fight , even if things don't get better right away it helps. if you fight you have hope and possibly getting better. and the most important thing for me was going online learning about my issues. i learned a lot and when i found something i asked my doctor to try it. believe in yourself the same way we look up to you. you are an inspiration to others
mike.....
i started to fight hard again, i mean my goal was relentless. i can't get additional opioid pain meds but looked fo other solutions. i found a way to compensate with other things. i also found a way to honestly evaluate myself. i learned to think of my glass as half full not half empty. i have a lot of physical issues but i still fight. sometimes when i get a bad pain spike i think of ctb but remind myself the pain will go down.
i know you have a lot of serious physical and emotional issues. you may or may not get rid of all your issues but they may get better. if you quit life will get worse every year with no hope in site and could lead to a possible suicide, i know i'm pleased i didn't ctb. but if you fight , even if things don't get better right away it helps. if you fight you have hope and possibly getting better. and the most important thing for me was going online learning about my issues. i learned a lot and when i found something i asked my doctor to try it. believe in yourself the same way we look up to you. you are an inspiration to others
mike.....
TBH I have felt pretty bad/nihilistic lately. Like what's the point? I know this is an unanswerable question, and yet I want an answer, as if somehow having a reason to get up in the morning would make it easier. If I knew what is the larger purpose that I'm not able to grasp from my limited perspective, maybe then I would feel okay. That's a self deception, though. It's the same as thinking that only when I get the new shiny thing (car/house/relationship/fame/power) then I will be happy. Except for me it's philosophical rather than material. I just want a reason why. But if I got a reason, it would suffice for a while until I needed a better reason. It's the same as when I was an addict - getting high once was fun, so I would try to do it again. And again. ad nauseum, but it never was as good as the first time, and it got worse and worse each time after that.
And I think I understand everything spiritual so very well. I guess I don't because although I can cite chapter & verse (if you want to be religious), or study & p-values (if you want to be scientific) - I still feel like shit. I can pass on great advice that I have heard and not figured out how to practice myself. I can solve, interpret, analyze, and synthesize conceptually, or even at the spiritual level, but I'm still not even a beginner at the practical level. I understand the relationships but I cannot change what I'm doing because I don't know how to do something today that I didn't do yesterday. But who does? Change is hard for anyone, at any time. Theory, by contrast, is easy. There are rules and patterns which although they may be complex, once a solution is found that solution will work forever. I want to be comfortable with change, as it is the nature of the universe, but I also want a solution for everything. Something that balances. It doesn't always balance and it's not always logical because reality is not a mental construct.
But everyone wants me to behave, follow the rules, do what's expected or I get punished. Or maybe I get punished because someone thought something about me that wasn't true, or maybe I am wrong and I caused harm that I didn't intend. So I'm caught between not being accepted by others on the one hand, but also knowing I would be happier if I accepted them, on the other hand. I have to follow the rules but nobody else does? But it seems like I cannot opt out. I'm not so much stuck, as I am lost. I want things to make sense, to be fair, and be predictable, and that's not how things are. This is the way I cause my suffering. In other news, fire is hot, water is wet, and people are people.
