How Are You Feeling Right Now?

[mosaic hearts]

The emotional pain is killing me. I can't survive this. I want to die so badly right now. I don't know if I can hold on. But I made a promise to myself and one other person that no matter how awful I feel, I won't take the steps to irrevocably harm myself. The impulse/urge/push is overwhelming. There are no words to describe how & what I'm feeling and thinking right now. I promised to fight but I'm so tired. I'm so tired. I don't know what to do. I really don't. Sorry for dragging everybody done.

 

[Aurelia]

The emotional pain is killing me. I can't survive this. I want to die so badly right now. I don't know if I can hold on. But I made a promise to myself and one other person that no matter how awful I feel, I won't take the steps to irrevocably harm myself. The impulse/urge/push is overwhelming. There are no words to describe how & what I'm feeling and thinking right now. I promised to fight but I'm so tired. I'm so tired. I don't know what to do. I really don't. Sorry for dragging everybody done.

I think that you've convinced yourself this is an option. Basically, an escape route of sorts in case of emergency. And now it's stuck in your mind that this is literally the only way out, and so you long for the opportunity to put it into action. The way to turn this around, therefore, seems to be to convince yourself that it's not an option, which means you must find a reason as to why it isn't. We can give you our own reasons, but whether you believe them or not will be entirely up to you.

 

[Lane]

The emotional pain is killing me. I can't survive this. I want to die so badly right now. I don't know if I can hold on. But I made a promise to myself and one other person that no matter how awful I feel, I won't take the steps to irrevocably harm myself. The impulse/urge/push is overwhelming. There are no words to describe how & what I'm feeling and thinking right now. I promised to fight but I'm so tired. I'm so tired. I don't know what to do. I really don't. Sorry for dragging everybody done.

Please don't worry about dragging anyone down mosaic hearts, it's your safety that's important to us. It sounds like you're really struggling and fighting so hard and should be very proud of yourself.

You said you don't know what to do. I think you're doing the best you can. My college roommate said to me, when in doubt, do nothing. I like that because it gives one a chance to just be. I hope that that during your trying time some peace can come to you. You are a bright light here to many.

 

[Baywasp]

Frustrated. Mostly about stupid sports stuff, but also I met my close friend's other friend today, and I got kinda bad vibes from him. I don't know if it's just I heard some bad things about how he treated her a few times when they were dating, but he was pretty intense in a sort of aggressive way that's hard to get used to. And he made a couple of comments about other people that made me a bit uncomfortable. [Plus he said Spurs should never have fired Mourinho, which is a massive red flag lol.]

 

[JMG]

I don’t know if it’s helpful to you, but I have some recent experiences with my credit score going up and down each month. As a result I have learned a lot about how credit scores work in the USA if that’s where you are. Feel free to start a direct conversation (inbox) if you’re interested. Disclaimer- I’m not a professional advisor. I’m just a consumer who was forced to learn this stuff.

I just remembered, I think you might have mentioned being from outside the USA in chat. I remember the locale, but I don’t want to repeat it without permission. If so, please disregard the above. The reference to walmart made me think you were in the USA.

btw I hate to refer to my country as “America,” because that is two-three entire continents depending on how you divide it up. I feel like it’s rather pompous of us to refer to ourselves as Americans without including citizens of Canada, Latin American, and so on.

Thank you for your kind reply to what I wrote in here last week LumberJack
Thank you also to @Witty_Sarcasm and @1964dodge for the kind things you wrote. Only saying ty "now" cos I was barely on here for the last several days (in case it's seeming odd that I'm only replying about what you guys all said now instead of days ago, lol. I try to otherwise give replies (or at least "likes") within a day or 2 of them being given to me.)

LumberJack - Ok, I guess from what I said (despite me trying to be fairly "vague" about the unwise thing I did at Walmart lol) that it made it a bit obvious that's what I was talking about. I just really do not want to be judged by anyone for it, but I probably worry about that a bit too much. Anyway ya, you guessed it right, that's what it was about pretty much. Oh and you were correct in remembering about me not living in the USA. I live in Canada. Lol aw well for me personally, I've always associated "American" with being from the USA, but ya I suppose "technically" anyone from the north American continent could be called "American" lol.

Anyway ya I am still just hoping for the best with it, haven't had a reply back one way or the other yet, guessing it will probably be this week. Just hoping if they don't want to let me have that card that they'll just say "Sorry, not approved" and that will be the end of it. I need to be much stronger about just saying "thank you, but no" when those pushy people in stores try to convince you to sign up for that kind of stuff. Definitely what I should have just done, I originally did say that to the lady, some of them just seem to have a hard time taking "no" for an answer, lol. Anyway whatever, it is done now so all I can do is hope for the best. Thank you again for caring though I appreciate that a lot Wishing you a nice day

 

[mosaic hearts]

Hi @Aurelia & @Lane,

Thank you for your thoughts & support. I'm feeling much better today. Thank God. I've been struggling with suicidality as a coping mechanism off & on since I was 12. It's a default place I go to, sadly. I made it through last night. Thank God!

 

[mosaic hearts]

Working today from 12:45-8:00 pm. It'll be a good distraction for me. I'm just so tired. I don't know how effective I'll be. Just showing up will be a victory for me today.

 

[Lane]

Upset, annoyed. I was going to the mall to get a gift for my friend and my daughter asked if I wanted to go with her to get her hair done then we'd go to the mall together. I said ok. I got dressed, was feeling pretty good.

I was wearing jeans, sneakers and my Rocky T-shirt. She asked me if I could put on my yellow dress and a cardigan. I told her no and was annoyed because she we were going into an uppity town and I guess she felt I had to look better, but I know I looked fine. I didn't react well, and told her no, f@#$k off. she left and I went to the mall by myself.

 

[Inanimate]

hug if it helps @Inanimate.

I'm glad you are alive and here, but sorry that you don't feel connected to people (?) in real life. I'm glad that SF exists because for me it's the only place where I'm really at all comfortable. I hope some cofort is found here for you too.

Thank you, @seabird. I’m glad you’re here, too. I’m more comfortable being myself here, but I still feel isolated from everyone—as though I became a member only yesterday. I suppose that’s natural since that’s the way I’ve always been.

 

[KM76710]

Like an outsider. Granted, I feel markedly less so here, but my presence still seems so pointless. I want to improve that, but it’s difficult to see the merit in improving when I already perceive myself as a tragic figure. The excuses just never end. I just want to die. As usual.

You are never an outsider here, or perhaps we are all here as outsiders. You are surrounded by those that accept you and want to be sure you are welcome and your spot with us is never pointless. Take best care of yourself that you can.

 

[LumberJack]

I feel very bad right now. Sad, frustrated, and irritable. Sick of the world and people who get away with doing things to me that I would totally be fired for if I did to a customer. I'm hoping today is a one-off and going to bed early to get this awful day over with. Definitely back to feeling suicidal and that's even more to cope with. Problem is I am scared to do anything to kms, but I am also sick of existing on this planet. If the latter gets more painful than the former, I don't think I would have the presence of mind at that point to do anything but follow through.

 

[Windhover]

Irkedl I'm mad at mosquitos because every time I go outside to do anything I get bitten. There are 2 bites on my face, 3 on my legs and 2 on my arms. 🫤 I must have weird blood or something. I don't wear perfume, nor any scented lotion.

 

[AmberMarie]

Irkedl I'm mad at mosquitos because every time I go outside to do anything I get bitten. There are 2 bites on my face, 3 on my legs and 2 on my arms. 🫤 I must have weird blood or something. I don't wear perfume, nor any scented lotion.

Try taking some extra Vit B... Mosquitoes dislike Vit B.

 

[Lane]

I feel very bad right now. Sad, frustrated, and irritable. Sick of the world and people who get away with doing things to me that I would totally be fired for if I did to a customer. I'm hoping today is a one-off and going to bed early to get this awful day over with. Definitely back to feeling suicidal and that's even more to cope with. Problem is I am scared to do anything to kms, but I am also sick of existing on this planet. If the latter gets more painful than the former, I don't think I would have the presence of mind at that point to do anything but follow through.

I'm glad that you're still here with us Lumber Jack. And shame on the people who are treating you poorly. I hope today is a better day for you.

 

[Windhover]

Try taking some extra Vit B... Mosquitoes dislike Vit B.

ooh, thank you for that. I have B6 and B12, but haven't been taking them. I will start tomorrow. There was some rain and the mozzies are coming out in force.

 

[Bergerac]

When people need you to talk to them, you interrupt doing what you need to, to be there for them. Then, when you need help, they've focused their attention somewhere else, in a place that means more to them. Thank you.

 

[Aurelia]

I have a problem with the new iPhone 16 commercials. It basically depicts the best way to lie to others in order to come out looking more reputable. As a Christian, I can't help but wonder when society felt it was okay to encourage others to be liars, while adding a sense of comedy to it like it's a perfectly reasonable thing to be. And as if that's not bad enough, let's use this message to sell some iphones while we're at it to satisfy the greed of a large corporation like Apple.

 

[AvidFan]

Reprieved. I was finishing at office past 8.30 tonight and was supposed to get home, eat, go to bed, then get up at 6am to deal with builders. I know I'm usually awake anyway at that time (lately) but I do feel I benefit from lying there a bit longer! In any case, he's just called to say their previous job is delayed due to weather, which is fair enough as it hasn't stopped raining for a week. So instead of tomorrow, it's Weds and Thurs and hopefully the weather will hold good otherwise we're fucked as I can't cancel any more meetings after that... Means I at least have chance of some sleep tonight to prepare after last night was awful.

 

[SAVE_ME]

Felt kind of overwhelmed earlier but feeling ok now. Starting a new art project so I'm feeling productive.

 

[mosaic hearts]

To be honest, I don't really know how I feel right now. Everything is so jumbled.