How Are You Feeling Right Now?

[Gonz]

Well, update for y'all.

My OCD is starting to shift themes, which I am grateful for. Existential OCD it is. Time to feel like I'm being lectured by philosophy majors for a couple weeks.

My wife has agreed to read a letter from me. I think it's important that she knows what she thinks happened is not even remotely close to the truth, and that she is given some context for the depth of my mental illness. I wrote out the letter and am now hyperfixated on what her reaction will be to it. I know that I cannot be a safe partner to her while hating myself to this level and genuinely believing myself to be a predator for being with her. It's not fair to her. But I do feel like I know her better than anyone- and that she's going to read this letter and realize that she and many others ignored multiple major warning flags regarding my mental health, and my only hope is that it brings her closure that this is not her fault. My brain's just not operating correctly.

I’m saying this as the partner of someone with severe OCD. I mention that so you know I’m not speaking out of ignorance.

She often felt horrible about her thoughts, and what she thought they meant about her.

Explain yourself, you’re entitled to it and she deserves it. But don’t make decisions about her life for her.

 

[Gonz]

Jessica could tell me a hundred times about how she fixated on killing me in my sleep, and I still felt completely comfortable sleeping next to her because I knew what kind of person she really was.

 

[maybeicanheal]

I’m saying this as the partner of someone with severe OCD. I mention that so you know I’m not speaking out of ignorance.

She often felt horrible about her thoughts, and what she thought they meant about her.

Explain yourself, you’re entitled to it and she deserves it. But don’t make decisions about her life for her.

Thank you. I am only explaining how deluded my thought process was so that she may have some peace in knowing that I did not act rationally, but I also was unaware that I was doing so, because I could not tell it was OCD. Even now, I still hold the genuine belief that I am a predator and harming her by being with her, and that is not sustainable for a relationship. I want her to make the best decision for her, not for me.

 

[HappyKitty]

in a good mood rn😺

 

[puffymilk]

in a good mood rn😺

 

[maybeicanheal]

Bad.

Found out from my mom that my soon to be ex wife wants to share custody of our dog, and I cannot wrap my brain around this. I offered her to take the dog when we were separating things and meant it. I don't want to share custody. I don't want to see her. I did everything I did so she would hate me, so she would want me dead, and so I could die without being remembered fondly, or at all- so for her to want to see me through sharing custody (because it would have to occur)- it's breaking my brain. The two truths can't coexist. She should hate me. She should have just taken my dog. I'd be miserable but at least it would mean I wouldn't have to confront the possibility that I was wrong and that she isn't going to be better off and happier without me.

 

[Inastorm]

Still feeling very sad and missing my lost home, and stuff. I don't know what to do other than my work.

Maybe that's enough at the moment - be kind to yourself.

 

[TragicReality]

Well I've got at least a cold or the flu. Can't stop sneezing or shivering. Thanks woman at the bank for going in there when you're sick and sharing your phlegm and snot drops everywhere.

 

[LumberJack]

Grumpy af. Letting my life fall apart by not doing the things I need to do. Feeling worthless, and yet at war with anything and everything. Nothing is satisfactory and nothing is going to work out. I don't know why I'm so b*tchy, even though I'm mostly okay. It's unrealistic of me to expect life to be fair and without disappointments.

Anyway, kind of a petty complaint now that I see this written out. Really, I'm in an awful mood, and that is coloring all of my thinking today.

 

[Inastorm]

Bad.

Found out from my mom that my soon to be ex wife wants to share custody of our dog, and I cannot wrap my brain around this. I offered her to take the dog when we were separating things and meant it. I don't want to share custody. I don't want to see her. I did everything I did so she would hate me, so she would want me dead, and so I could die without being remembered fondly, or at all- so for her to want to see me through sharing custody (because it would have to occur)- it's breaking my brain. The two truths can't coexist. She should hate me. She should have just taken my dog. I'd be miserable but at least it would mean I wouldn't have to confront the possibility that I was wrong and that she isn't going to be better off and happier without me.

There is an expression, you can lead a horse to water but you cant make it drink. Your soon to be ex wife has her own mind, you can try and encourage but the unhappy fact is you are not going to be able to control what she thinks. I am in a reserve of your situation, where someone hates me and I'm trying for them not to and it's not working.

I hope you dont mind me saying, that I feel your interfering with your wife's 'role'. Your wife has 'things' 'roles' which she will do and play, one of those roles, will be as your wife within the relationship and all the values and things that, that means to her. Things get complicated when people start interfering with what people do. You can encourage but it sounds like you were wanting her to almost give up on her 'role' and her 'values' and 'do' something you wanted her to do based of how you were feeling about yourself. I would encourage you to be honest with her and tell her how you feel about yourself, it would be much less complicated to do this.

 

[LumberJack]

She often felt horrible about her thoughts, and what she thought they meant about her.

This is tangential to the original point at best, but I also feel this way, especially lately. I know my intrusive thoughts are unrelated to my character. They don't predict my future behavior or reveal potential moral failures that I supress. Yet I forget this from time to time. It is good to get a reminder. Thanks

 

[puffymilk]

Well I've got at least a cold or the flu. Can't stop sneezing or shivering. Thanks woman at the bank for going in there when you're sick and sharing your phlegm and snot drops everywhere.

I hope you feel better soon

 

[maybeicanheal]

There is an expression, you can lead a horse to water but you cant make it drink. Your soon to be ex wife has her own mind, you can try and encourage but the unhappy fact is you are not going to be able to control what she thinks. I am in a reserve of your situation, where someone hates me and I'm trying for them not to and it's not working.

I hope you dont mind me saying, that I feel your interfering with your wife's 'role'. Your wife has 'things' 'roles' which she will do and play, one of those roles, will be as your wife within the relationship and all the values and things that, that means to her. Things get complicated when people start interfering with what people do. You can encourage but it sounds like you were wanting her to almost give up on her 'role' and her 'values' and 'do' something you wanted her to do based of how you were feeling about yourself. I would encourage you to be honest with her and tell her how you feel about yourself, it would be much less complicated to do this.

That is exactly what I wanted- for her to give up on her role and to hate me so much that she would rather I die. But it's complicated by the fact that it's not really 'me' that wants that, it's my OCD forcing it into my brain.

 

[AvidFan]

Tired. Survived literally 5 hours solid of remote meetings today.

 

[JanisSPK]

Bad.

Found out from my mom that my soon to be ex wife wants to share custody of our dog, and I cannot wrap my brain around this. I offered her to take the dog when we were separating things and meant it. I don't want to share custody. I don't want to see her. I did everything I did so she would hate me, so she would want me dead, and so I could die without being remembered fondly, or at all- so for her to want to see me through sharing custody (because it would have to occur)- it's breaking my brain. The two truths can't coexist. She should hate me. She should have just taken my dog. I'd be miserable but at least it would mean I wouldn't have to confront the possibility that I was wrong and that she isn't going to be better off and happier without me.

Not wanting to see her any longer in order to care about yourself and do the best things for yourself is a positive. It sounds strange to me that she is offering only a 'shared' situation with the dear dog, some kind of game, whatever you want to name it. I'm sorry to hear it because I also hear that you would be sad/miserable about giving the dog over to her. I'm seeing that you care about yourself if you are offering to give up the dog. I hope it can work out soon around it for you and for the dear 4 legged....

 

[Windhover]

Tired. Survived literally 5 hours solid of remote meetings today.

geez, 5 hours of meetings shouldn't have to happen to anyone. Hope you have (had) a good bit of time at home with friends: snacks, peace and quiet. : )

 

[TragicReality]

I hope you feel better soon

Thank you @puffymilk I appreciate that!

 

[AvidFan]

Hopeful I can get through the week. Got 3 meetings tomorrow (one office, 3 remote), 3 office on Thursday and one on Friday. Today was the hardest day, so has broken the back of the week I hope. I'm hoping for some quieter weeks after this and have my little trip booked beginning of July. Will be over 5 years since I have spent a night away from my house 😲 Am looking forward to seeing my old friend the sea. But for now, I need to survive this week!

 

[JanisSPK]

Hopeful I can get through the week. Got 3 meetings tomorrow (one office, 3 remote), 3 office on Thursday and one on Friday. Today was the hardest day, so has broken the back of the week I hope. I'm hoping for some quieter weeks after this and have my little trip booked beginning of July. Will be over 5 years since I have spent a night away from my house 😲 Am looking forward to seeing my old friend the sea. But for now, I need to survive this week!

You can do it! And that is wonderful you are going to the ocean soon!!

 

[Inanimate]

I wish that loneliness at some point would finish me off already. Having this shit to look forward to every day for the rest of my life isn’t worth it.