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How Are You Feeling Right Now?
- Thread starter UNREGISTERED0000
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Hollow. Hopeless. Sitting transfixed by anguish and loneliness. I’d rather drown in darkness and silence right now, but I don’t have time to wallow. That’s a first. I suppose I could be grateful for that, but my fatigue and emotions are a distraction and an encumbrance. Before, I had the luxury of withdrawing from my classes and hiding from the world, but there’s still no escaping my sadness. Escape is no longer an option. It never was.
Ugh, that is so upsetting. I had multiple of them about a year and a half ago, and my apartment is pretty small, so it was hard to avoid seeing or hearing them the whole time I was at home. I started feeling so uncomfortable that I ended up staying at a cheap hotel for a few days. Luckily, 2 visits from the exterminator cleared it up.
While I don’t endorse taking life from other beings, I make an exception for any beings with whom I am in competition for my survival. This includes pathogens, and any animals that want my food and/or carry human endangering pathogens, including rodents and ants, or animals that see me as food, namely mosquitoes. In those cases it’s self defense and I will bear the consequences of that rather than tolerate an infestation.
In short, kill the heck out of them, but not with malice. Neither with regret, though. Rodents are especially concerning because as you suspect, by the time you see one, you probably have a dozen or more. If you live in an urban apartment bldg, they might be branching out from another unit where they are uncontrolled. Else, they are probably coming from a field nearby.
Sorry the cat is being lazy. The last cat I lived with seemed to kill birds and rabbits just for fun- and regularly rather eviscerated carcasses showed up on the porch. There were no mice nor rats running around, though.
In short, kill the heck out of them, but not with malice. Neither with regret, though. Rodents are especially concerning because as you suspect, by the time you see one, you probably have a dozen or more. If you live in an urban apartment bldg, they might be branching out from another unit where they are uncontrolled. Else, they are probably coming from a field nearby.
Sorry the cat is being lazy. The last cat I lived with seemed to kill birds and rabbits just for fun- and regularly rather eviscerated carcasses showed up on the porch. There were no mice nor rats running around, though.
well, here I go again, repeatedly posting on SF because if I'm alone with my thoughts all I do is cry. At least the physical activity of convulsing in grief is bringing me sort of an appetite back. I even talked to a friend last night and said that I felt like I am sinking, and losing contact with reality. He said he was feeling similar. Which, while it made nothing better, at least we were miserable together. Also it's nice to have someone to talk to when I feel like shit who doesn't try to change that.
I feel like an ingrate. So many fantastic people came into my life to lift me up. When I was struggling to behave like a human because I was constantly being torn down (physically and verbally) at home, a couple men, namely a leader in my boy scout troop and a guy who just took an interest in me from church, stepped in to help me and convince me I wasn't the horrible waste of oxygen I was being treated like at home. Given their positions, they had to know I was vulnerable, and if they wanted to they could have joined in the abuse. I would have happily let them assault my body because at least then I would be good for something. But instead of taking advantage of the fact I was starved for attention, they gave me advice. Sat me down and listened to me, and taught by example what a real man is like. Tough, but not aggressive, compassionate, but not enabling, and above all caring for people in need. During college I had a huge friend group by way of performing in the music scene, which was tightly knit and I count several of the ones who are still alive as friends to this day.
Even in adulthood I have been enormously fortunate to have very good providers in therapy and medicine although that luck has run out as of 2024. There was even an older man who mentored me when I was struggling to get sober. It was only because he never, ever gave up on me that I even kept picking myself up after the umpteenth relapse. He only encouraged me. He never said what I was doing was okay, but he also never said I was hopeless and always advised me to try again. Then there was my partner, who would have left me in the first year if he had any sense. But he also saw someone worth helping. To be clear he did not "rescue" me as in a codependent relationship. He did, however, reflect back to me what I was doing that I would have otherwise been unaware of. In that way he allowed me to become an adult despite having to learn self-care in my 30s. It was until death that we parted; although I was disappointed that death came for him first. He took care of himself while I was drinking and consuming more than my share of processed meats. If anyone should have gotten cancer, it should have been me, but as it turns out lifestyle factors only have a small portion of the likelihood of one person getting cancer vs another. According to the oncologist, random chance is all it can be attributed to. Therefore I am indulging in as much charcuterie as I please.
But, even with all those advantages, I'm barely staying out of jail. I'm wishing for death as in trying to make my heart give up out of sheer desperation. It seems like I need constant support, and when it's time for me to put on my big boy pants, I fall apart.
I feel like an ingrate. So many fantastic people came into my life to lift me up. When I was struggling to behave like a human because I was constantly being torn down (physically and verbally) at home, a couple men, namely a leader in my boy scout troop and a guy who just took an interest in me from church, stepped in to help me and convince me I wasn't the horrible waste of oxygen I was being treated like at home. Given their positions, they had to know I was vulnerable, and if they wanted to they could have joined in the abuse. I would have happily let them assault my body because at least then I would be good for something. But instead of taking advantage of the fact I was starved for attention, they gave me advice. Sat me down and listened to me, and taught by example what a real man is like. Tough, but not aggressive, compassionate, but not enabling, and above all caring for people in need. During college I had a huge friend group by way of performing in the music scene, which was tightly knit and I count several of the ones who are still alive as friends to this day.
Even in adulthood I have been enormously fortunate to have very good providers in therapy and medicine although that luck has run out as of 2024. There was even an older man who mentored me when I was struggling to get sober. It was only because he never, ever gave up on me that I even kept picking myself up after the umpteenth relapse. He only encouraged me. He never said what I was doing was okay, but he also never said I was hopeless and always advised me to try again. Then there was my partner, who would have left me in the first year if he had any sense. But he also saw someone worth helping. To be clear he did not "rescue" me as in a codependent relationship. He did, however, reflect back to me what I was doing that I would have otherwise been unaware of. In that way he allowed me to become an adult despite having to learn self-care in my 30s. It was until death that we parted; although I was disappointed that death came for him first. He took care of himself while I was drinking and consuming more than my share of processed meats. If anyone should have gotten cancer, it should have been me, but as it turns out lifestyle factors only have a small portion of the likelihood of one person getting cancer vs another. According to the oncologist, random chance is all it can be attributed to. Therefore I am indulging in as much charcuterie as I please.
But, even with all those advantages, I'm barely staying out of jail. I'm wishing for death as in trying to make my heart give up out of sheer desperation. It seems like I need constant support, and when it's time for me to put on my big boy pants, I fall apart.
Ffs. I'm going to hold an even keel. That's the saying that comes to mind, I think it comes from my grandmother.
Therapy, at least with this person, is just wasting $ & time for me.
It is the society and its ills and evils which are crazy, not those of us who know we have good hearts but feel increasingly anxious and sad. I'm going back to dealing with s*** my own way.
Therapy, at least with this person, is just wasting $ & time for me.
It is the society and its ills and evils which are crazy, not those of us who know we have good hearts but feel increasingly anxious and sad. I'm going back to dealing with s*** my own way.
She might be listening for it to move. Maybe she'll continue hunting it tonight. Best to you Lane. I don't miss the mouse population I used to have to deal with in my 106 yeat old house.
While there, I had two cats. One was a tiny thing who was an absolute demon at catching and eating mice. (RIP) The other cat wanted nothing to do with vermin: she'd immediately leap onto a high cabinet and hide up there staring wide-eyed until the little one finished off the mouse and everything was over and done.
While there, I had two cats. One was a tiny thing who was an absolute demon at catching and eating mice. (RIP) The other cat wanted nothing to do with vermin: she'd immediately leap onto a high cabinet and hide up there staring wide-eyed until the little one finished off the mouse and everything was over and done.
Nice quote @LumberJack. Hadn't read that specific quote before, though the concept is not new to me. I seem to remember from history class that Eleanor Roosevelt had strong views along those same lines. Have you read any of Sarah Ahmed's work?
Thanks for your response @LumberJack. I actually was thinking that it was kinda cute when I flashed the light under the stove and saw one. I dont know if its the same one that I saw run the day before, hopefully so. But either way, I want to move the stove and plug up any holes. As for the cat, my kids make me lol, when they tell her "do your job". Hope you have as good a day as possible.
Thank you for sharing @LumberJack. Im sorry to hear of what you went through in your childhood home. I hope you can keep fighting, although i know its difficult sometimes. You are in my thoughts. 