Thanks for sharing @BlackSheep 007. It has a beautiful rhythm. I like it a lot.
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How Are You Feeling Right Now?
- Thread starter UNREGISTERED0000
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Upset and a bit disappointed. After working hard, and getting in front with my taxes, I decided to just do a quick overview of my finances as I thought I was getting in front. Unfortunately after spreadsheeting everything, where I thought I had reduced my debts by about £1500, they've somehow actually gone up by about that amount. It's not a disaster, things are still manageable, but never nice realising you have more debt/less money than you thought.
Frustrated, scared, ready to give up. I feel like I'm busting my ass to stay alive and all I can do is manage basic errands and chores. I can pay the bills because of savings, but that's getting tough to manage. I'm looking for work, which is even more frustrating. Why am I fighting? Competing for these little ones and zeroes on some hard drive at a bank that's probably going to have a data breach sooner or later, or need to be bailed out again when the AI investment bubble pops. If you're on top, then you can do whatever you want and if your brilliant investment scheme backfires, the government bails you out with the money they took through the coercive power of the state from people not on the top. If you're not on the top, you're fucked.
What if I just... stopped trying? Probably die face down in a ditch but so what? Grinding away at a soul-crushing labor to make one billionaire or another even more wealthy is no guarantee of security; they just toss you when they feel like they can replace you with a robot or someone cheaper. Then the robots do a terrible job, but it's the people on the consumer side that bear the costs of businesses screwing over their employees to make more money, by further screwing over the customers. There's nothing like fulfillment or connection that's even available. You're reduced to a number, your "net worth" which is a sum of money. WTF is the upside in that?
What if I just... stopped trying? Probably die face down in a ditch but so what? Grinding away at a soul-crushing labor to make one billionaire or another even more wealthy is no guarantee of security; they just toss you when they feel like they can replace you with a robot or someone cheaper. Then the robots do a terrible job, but it's the people on the consumer side that bear the costs of businesses screwing over their employees to make more money, by further screwing over the customers. There's nothing like fulfillment or connection that's even available. You're reduced to a number, your "net worth" which is a sum of money. WTF is the upside in that?
It needs to be okay to work on some of my goals, or just one of them, rather than bounce all over tring to do a bit on all of them. At present, I can't function like that so I have to act on the littlest of things. Willing myself to end old bad thought loops and let the older ones, pre-marriage, become my new benign thoughts. Melancholy and lonely today.
I feel like I’m constantly whining about the same things, namely the meaninglessness of consumerism and how the relentless pursuit of wealth at the cost of all else is destroying our humanity.
I can’t fix that. I want to live outside of that bubble, however I don’t know how to get started. I have heard a sort of parable about a tiger who was kept in a small cage for a number of years. The tiger was eventually rescued and moved to a zoo with a huge habitat where the tiger could hunt and do all the tiger things that they do in the wild. However, the poor thing ended up just pacing around in a rectangle the same size as the old cage.
I kind of feel like that, except my cage is this damn screen. Despite having no physical constraints chaining me, I don’t know what to do otherwise, nor how to meet anyone else interested in interacting “IRL.”
I can’t fix that. I want to live outside of that bubble, however I don’t know how to get started. I have heard a sort of parable about a tiger who was kept in a small cage for a number of years. The tiger was eventually rescued and moved to a zoo with a huge habitat where the tiger could hunt and do all the tiger things that they do in the wild. However, the poor thing ended up just pacing around in a rectangle the same size as the old cage.
I kind of feel like that, except my cage is this damn screen. Despite having no physical constraints chaining me, I don’t know what to do otherwise, nor how to meet anyone else interested in interacting “IRL.”
I need to escape either from my home or from my body. Being entrapped in both brings me so much pain. I want to look at the stars or go cloud gazing. Hell, looking at fake stars on the ceiling would be nice like I did as a kid. I hate the light pollution that prevents me from seeing it at night. I'm too afraid to be outside in the day long enough to go cloud gazing. I guess that has been my whole life having too much fear or fear instilled in me.
I am too afraid to speak up for fear of being mocked and laughed at for my speech or the way I speak. I was too afraid to move away from home for college due to manipulation by my parents saying I was too quiet to do so. Which was all bullshit when the true reason was because they couldn't financially get me to the schools I got into in the first place, and while applying to college, I picked a school nearby just as backup because I saw the struggle with my sister going off to college.
My college experience turned into a complete disaster. Now I'm wondering what if I got on a greyhound and just left. I would have had nothing in my dorm room, but I would be away from them. Maybe they would have a school counselor that would actually listen and give me guidance, or maybe, with my destiny and luck, it would have turned into the same disaster I experienced at the school I went to. I was already emotionally spiraling in high school,so it wouldn't have mattered where I went ,but who knows.
The fear of rebelling and not giving a damn about them and just thinking about myself. The fear of not trusting myself. The fear of not being direct .The fear of confrontation. The fear of showing anger, which is a natural emotion that people mix up with violence,which is more so a lack of emotional intelligence. I can be angry and not be violent because of my choice and the way I handle my emotions. Do we all fall short of handling our emotions? Yes, we are all flawed.
After saying all of that, it all goes back to the main fear of speaking. I lost my voice in the 1st grade and never regained it.Hell, I lost me. This is what led to everything else in my life. You can't build your verbal communication and social skills up when you are afraid of being ridiculed for your speech. Sometimes I wish I could have taught myself ASL at a young age, so I would have had another form of communication besides written communication, which I am not that great at.
I don't know why I am sharing all of this. Maybe when I finally do off myself, maybe this will be proof of why I did it. Because my psychiatrist and therapist didn't really care and downplay what I said or barely listen to me.
I am too afraid to speak up for fear of being mocked and laughed at for my speech or the way I speak. I was too afraid to move away from home for college due to manipulation by my parents saying I was too quiet to do so. Which was all bullshit when the true reason was because they couldn't financially get me to the schools I got into in the first place, and while applying to college, I picked a school nearby just as backup because I saw the struggle with my sister going off to college.
My college experience turned into a complete disaster. Now I'm wondering what if I got on a greyhound and just left. I would have had nothing in my dorm room, but I would be away from them. Maybe they would have a school counselor that would actually listen and give me guidance, or maybe, with my destiny and luck, it would have turned into the same disaster I experienced at the school I went to. I was already emotionally spiraling in high school,so it wouldn't have mattered where I went ,but who knows.
The fear of rebelling and not giving a damn about them and just thinking about myself. The fear of not trusting myself. The fear of not being direct .The fear of confrontation. The fear of showing anger, which is a natural emotion that people mix up with violence,which is more so a lack of emotional intelligence. I can be angry and not be violent because of my choice and the way I handle my emotions. Do we all fall short of handling our emotions? Yes, we are all flawed.
After saying all of that, it all goes back to the main fear of speaking. I lost my voice in the 1st grade and never regained it.Hell, I lost me. This is what led to everything else in my life. You can't build your verbal communication and social skills up when you are afraid of being ridiculed for your speech. Sometimes I wish I could have taught myself ASL at a young age, so I would have had another form of communication besides written communication, which I am not that great at.
I don't know why I am sharing all of this. Maybe when I finally do off myself, maybe this will be proof of why I did it. Because my psychiatrist and therapist didn't really care and downplay what I said or barely listen to me.
That’s a seriously crappy series of events. I can understand why it would be painful. IMHO it’s sad when parents try to tell a child that they are one way or another, especially when that feedback is unkind. As a former child myself, it consistently felt bad to be criticized for “how I am,” as opposed to how I acted in a given situation. I preferred the way I was treated in other situations where feedback was given about my actions, and if critical, was delivered with some sort of suggestions for handling similar situations more appropriately in the future.
Me too, but for a different reason. I remember wishing that everyone, regardless of hearing ability, would use sign language because constant chatter was exhausting to have to hear all the time. This would have the side effect of being more inclusive for people who don’t hear well, but at that age, I wasn’t possessed of the empathy I have since developed. It was all about me, in other words. So, even here I am worried about making my comments more about me. My intent is to express how/why I can relate to what you wrote.
Me too, but for a different reason. I remember wishing that everyone, regardless of hearing ability, would use sign language because constant chatter was exhausting to have to hear all the time. This would have the side effect of being more inclusive for people who don’t hear well, but at that age, I wasn’t possessed of the empathy I have since developed. It was all about me, in other words. So, even here I am worried about making my comments more about me. My intent is to express how/why I can relate to what you wrote.
I'm reading this book and several times they've written things which I completely understand. Scarily, 100% understand. In her case, she is an alcoholic and I am not, but otherwise my troubles are the same. She went around denying she had trouble for a long time, until she fell apart. I can't deny the destruction which happened due to being disallowed to go home again and losing my beliongings and country. I am working on forgiving him, because it's obviously a fu**ing waste of time, and all creation has some value, right? Even abusers. I should have seen this would happen and I failed to do so. His baggage doesn't matter now, but back then it was all that mattered. I was literally window dressing. Anyway in this book she talks about how the pieces are all you have left, and your only choice is to glue them into something new. Like those little bugs in streams who stick bits of sand and sticks together, and climb inside
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Im feeling ok alittle worried but wife is out doing who knows what and im worried she wont be ok. Is that bad when she dont care how i feel or what happens to me. Anyway im going to look at apartments this week. Kind of lonely especially being married almost 12 years. It sucks but my kids need me. Thats what really matters
It just shows that you're a good person @Lostman85. Good luck with the apartment hunt.
I realize now that my kids need me even though they're older. How old are yours?
I realize now that my kids need me even though they're older. How old are yours?