Im feeling lost alone and it might it. I tried everything and its over I got nothing left in me. Nobody would care if im gone. Called the crisis line for help cause im gonna hurt myself and they said they will call me tomorrow to check on me. Guess I have no choice right. I tried and tried. I even won 500 at the casino but im still were im at. Nothing works. I got nobody or anything left. Im scared
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How Are You Feeling Right Now?
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I got to bed at a reasonable time last night. Slept 11 hours, so only 5 hours behind on total. Woke up feeling noticeably better, but then the thoughts started up. At first I was thinking that the obstacles were gone - and I could finally get started on a job search. This lasted for about 20 minutes and then I felt so bad I went back to bed. I don't know what it was, but it wasn't apprehension or regret.
I'm only too familiar with those two, and this is different. This is more like pain that is surfacing that I had been pushing away. It feels sad and heavy, but it also feels like it's got a limit. It doesn't feel like the endless miserable gulch of existential despair that I'm so familiar with that it's almost comfortable. I've been practicing with allowing it. It keeps coming up, and because of a program I attended on the weekend, I feel like I can be present with it and still be safe. I'm guessing that the next step is that this pain has something to say. I'm not there yet as far as being able to listen to the pain. I need more practice.
I'm only too familiar with those two, and this is different. This is more like pain that is surfacing that I had been pushing away. It feels sad and heavy, but it also feels like it's got a limit. It doesn't feel like the endless miserable gulch of existential despair that I'm so familiar with that it's almost comfortable. I've been practicing with allowing it. It keeps coming up, and because of a program I attended on the weekend, I feel like I can be present with it and still be safe. I'm guessing that the next step is that this pain has something to say. I'm not there yet as far as being able to listen to the pain. I need more practice.
Relieved. Whatever strategies and postures I employed, I have done 2 bus journeys and several hours of meetings and am not in a bad flare so far. I had an extreme flare on Monday from one hour video call where I got the strategy totally wrong. So am learning. Of course sitting slouched and half reclined with sit bones on edge of seat is probably not the best posture for my back, but if it saves going into white hot burning agony in my perineum etc, it is a lifesaver.
I hope the gambling doesn't get out of control. I know from having met people trying to stop gambling that this is very hard to get away from, even after losing $100K and more. Not trying to scare or pressure you, but just let you know what I've seen in the recovery world. I don't judge anyone for their vices; I sure as heck ain't no Puritan!
As you've already observed, there is a crash afterward. Eventually the crash becomes the stimulus for another round of gambling and it spirals. Happened to me with pain pills (back in around 2008-12, before fentanyl or I'd be dead many times over). It happens to a lot of people, regardless of the underlying substance or behavior.
As you've already observed, there is a crash afterward. Eventually the crash becomes the stimulus for another round of gambling and it spirals. Happened to me with pain pills (back in around 2008-12, before fentanyl or I'd be dead many times over). It happens to a lot of people, regardless of the underlying substance or behavior.
I feel like I'm barely hanging on. Terribly missing the one person in my life who loved me when I was toxic and I had the mistaken belief that if I beat myself up enough, then I'd change. Ultimately it was his patience and my willing to accept help that allowed me to change, but it took a while. He saw the person that I wanted to be, or rather the person that wanted to come out of me, instead of the train wreck that I was in the year 2001 or so.
I'm definitely going through a similar patch right now and I don't want to do it without him. But he died too early, as all the good ones do.
I'm definitely going through a similar patch right now and I don't want to do it without him. But he died too early, as all the good ones do.
Sad again. I went out for a little, gentle walk. After the shower, the bus, the chairs, all the rest of it, it had to be bending down to pet the little cat that twanged my broken groin again and now it's starting to flare. What am I supposed to do? Just not move except to go to work and then not have any life outside that? Just lie on the sofa until it's time use all my resources to survive to work? I'm a mix of live to work and work to live, but surviving just to work seems ever so pointless.
At least I got a smile and a fuss from a very affectionate cat who followed me for about 100 yards wanting his ears fussed.
At least I got a smile and a fuss from a very affectionate cat who followed me for about 100 yards wanting his ears fussed.
Tired due to waking up way too early this morning. My room looks great though it needs more work. I know the sense of having no feelings, the closed-up-shop, the numbness, isn't what it seems. My mind has put up roadblocks because it/I want a little break from feelings. But, I did have a nice smiley feeling due to someone sending me a lovely picture!
