How can I correct my wrongs and prove my love?

[what.happened?]

I love my boyfriend I really do... I can't imagine my life without him and when I think about the fact I'm loosing him it kills me. The worst part of all this is though that I know it's all my fault.
I've tried to talk to people about my situation but it seems no body understands... they just all tell me either 'don't blame yourself so much he's a prick, he's done things wrong too... this isn't all you' or 'too much has happened you should just go your separate ways' - neither of this is what I want to hear.
I understand that he hasn't been perfect in the relationship but the fact of the matter is that if I hadn't acted the way I have and done the things I have then he would of act/done what he has if that makes any sense. He has accepted that he hasn't been perfect but we both no that the trouble in our relationship he me. He has put up with a lot of shit from me and just keeps trying to put it behind us and move forward but then I always end up doing something else... the annoying part is though that I don't want to. Its as if I'm afraid of being happy. Which in a way I no I am... if I'm happy I can get hurt. or maybe its a case of subconciously i'm like I'll hurt him before he can hurt me. I read on here the other day about someone having 'borderline personality disorder' and researched it... I think I may have that... if so how do I go about dealing with that?
Basically what I need to know is how can I show my boyfriend that I love him and that I'm sorry. Understandably (if it was the other way round I would feel the same) he no longer trusts me... in the slightest. He says he loves me and when hes with me he just wants to move past everything and be with me be happy, but hes scared. Hes scared i'm going to hurt him again and he just can't deal with that and because of that he doesn't know whether or not he can be with me... hes confused. What can I do to prove to him I truely believe I can change and stop hurting him. That he can trust me and that I really do love him (he also finds it hard to believe i do actually love him because of everything I've done - actions speak louder then words he says). I can say all the right stuff and already have but thats not enough... I need to somehow prove it to him... after all actions speak louder then words. but how? what can I do? please help!!! I can't live my life without him... I no it may sound stupid but if I loose him I really do think I will end up killing myself. Before he told me I kind of had a change of winning him back I almost did... we had a talk and he told me he just couldn't do it anymore and left... I text the few people I have in my life and told them I loved them and sorry for have I have wronged them... I then was stood with a rope around my neck on a table about to kick it from under me when he rang me and said he wanted to see me that night and try to talk again. I need to win him back I just don't no how. PLEASE HELP!!

 

[KittyGirl]

Are the two of you still together and trying to work things out or are you on a 'break'?

I really think that you should see a therapist and think about doing some couple's counseling.
It might sound stupid- if you have the image of a horrible old married couple in your head; but to be in a room with a mediator, just talking through your problems can really be helpful to alot of couples.

I suggest you give it a shot if you really still want to try and work things out.

As for money-- I don't know if you have any or not, but in general; couples counseling will cost some money.
Personal therapy can be scheduled at any adult mental health clinics and may be free. Just talk to your doctor about it and see what you can work out.

 

[aoeu]

Borderline is a tough one to treat - there's no quick fixes like drugs.

In short, what you need to do is to learn to think before you act. Borderline is characterised by excess emotional response. Anytime you're about to get upset you need to take a deep breath, count backwards from 10, and ask yourself if what you're feeling is reasonable and if what you're about to do is, too. There is some talk of using Buddhist meditation techniques to calm your emotions, but I'm not clear on the specifics of how this works.

Unfortunately this also doesn't have outside signs, like sober tokens from AA or prescription drugs to show that you're working on improving. But it's how you actually improve.

My source for this is experience with several borderline girls over the past few years. Most notable was the first: we argued constantly in the first 6 months we knew eachother. Then I became suicidal. Afterwards she always watched what she said so she wouldn't set me off... and we never fought again.