I can finally truthfully say I’ve tried everything I could try to feel better.
To feel something. To not feel like my world might collapse at the slightest inconvenience. To not feel like I’m about to break down, like I’m detached from reality, when a little bit of my heart breaks.
Now I won’t exaggerate and say it hasn’t worked at all. It did, for sometime. I had more energy to get out of bed, to do more studying, to look forward to things, to want to do more.
But that only lasted for so long. And then I was back to being so socially withdrawn again, can’t think of a single person with whom I’d want to vent to, and feel better. As much as it may not appear to be true, I am alone in this, I always have been.
And there I was, sobbing on my 10 minute drive back from what was supposed to be a wonderful hangout with a person so damn close to my heart.
For the first time in years I actually heard myself weeping and crying like a child who’s lost his mother in some huge ass mall. For 10 minutes straight, I could barely see, the tears were filling up my eyes. And yet I drove and pulled into the parking lot only to cry some more. Wondering if I’ll ever get better. Wondering if that’s all there is to my life. I have everything I could ever ask for and yet all I want to do is die. Just fade away. Just disappear. Without notice.
And I feel invisible. Like I already don’t exist. So what difference does it even make.
My body hurts. My stomach grumbles from the stress. My heart feels empty. And my soul is burnt out.
I’ve got no more acting energy in me. And that’s why I’m mostly by myself lately, I can’t fake my energy not one more second anymore.
To feel something. To not feel like my world might collapse at the slightest inconvenience. To not feel like I’m about to break down, like I’m detached from reality, when a little bit of my heart breaks.
Now I won’t exaggerate and say it hasn’t worked at all. It did, for sometime. I had more energy to get out of bed, to do more studying, to look forward to things, to want to do more.
But that only lasted for so long. And then I was back to being so socially withdrawn again, can’t think of a single person with whom I’d want to vent to, and feel better. As much as it may not appear to be true, I am alone in this, I always have been.
And there I was, sobbing on my 10 minute drive back from what was supposed to be a wonderful hangout with a person so damn close to my heart.
For the first time in years I actually heard myself weeping and crying like a child who’s lost his mother in some huge ass mall. For 10 minutes straight, I could barely see, the tears were filling up my eyes. And yet I drove and pulled into the parking lot only to cry some more. Wondering if I’ll ever get better. Wondering if that’s all there is to my life. I have everything I could ever ask for and yet all I want to do is die. Just fade away. Just disappear. Without notice.
And I feel invisible. Like I already don’t exist. So what difference does it even make.
My body hurts. My stomach grumbles from the stress. My heart feels empty. And my soul is burnt out.
I’ve got no more acting energy in me. And that’s why I’m mostly by myself lately, I can’t fake my energy not one more second anymore.