How did it get this bad?

[FiveAs_]

I can finally truthfully say I’ve tried everything I could try to feel better.

To feel something. To not feel like my world might collapse at the slightest inconvenience. To not feel like I’m about to break down, like I’m detached from reality, when a little bit of my heart breaks.

Now I won’t exaggerate and say it hasn’t worked at all. It did, for sometime. I had more energy to get out of bed, to do more studying, to look forward to things, to want to do more.
But that only lasted for so long. And then I was back to being so socially withdrawn again, can’t think of a single person with whom I’d want to vent to, and feel better. As much as it may not appear to be true, I am alone in this, I always have been.

And there I was, sobbing on my 10 minute drive back from what was supposed to be a wonderful hangout with a person so damn close to my heart.
For the first time in years I actually heard myself weeping and crying like a child who’s lost his mother in some huge ass mall. For 10 minutes straight, I could barely see, the tears were filling up my eyes. And yet I drove and pulled into the parking lot only to cry some more. Wondering if I’ll ever get better. Wondering if that’s all there is to my life. I have everything I could ever ask for and yet all I want to do is die. Just fade away. Just disappear. Without notice.

And I feel invisible. Like I already don’t exist. So what difference does it even make.
My body hurts. My stomach grumbles from the stress. My heart feels empty. And my soul is burnt out.

I’ve got no more acting energy in me. And that’s why I’m mostly by myself lately, I can’t fake my energy not one more second anymore.

 

[Dante]

"We’re the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War’s a spiritual war… our Great Depression is our lives..." - Fight Club

I know how you feel, what you described is exactly how my depression goes, I'm in early stages this time around, just beginning to really suffer, but this will be my 4th collapse into it.
2009-2012, 2013-2014, 2016-2017, 2019-Onwards. I have managed to hold on for a good long while this time, I felt it was there gnawing at me, so I came back and was active here again, made an effort to keep it out, but 2020 is a bitch, extreme isolation, housing market being shit, killer commute, crap health, etc kinda overwhelmed my meagre defences.

Hang in there, this is a weak time, no shame in it, but it also doesn't define you, just as things have gotten worse for you before, things will get better again too. If I had to give any advice, it would be to lean heavily into CBT, thats what I need, but damned if I will ever GET it on the NHS, I have had unexplained severe pain in my side for over 1 and a half years and Im still trying to get the doctors to care, telling them im depressed and need CBT, ha! they wont even bother opening their mouths to laugh at me, so I just keep trying.

If you can, give it a try, and if you have given it a try already, just hang in there, I was so close to killing myself at 22 that the psychiatrists freaked the fuck out when I made a joke about it, she thought I was going to off myself right there in front of her, and now I'm 30, and Im still here, and arguably better than I was at 22. Surviving your own mind, like all things, gets easier with practice.

 

[Autumn1973]

I can finally truthfully say I’ve tried everything I could try to feel better.

To feel something. To not feel like my world might collapse at the slightest inconvenience. To not feel like I’m about to break down, like I’m detached from reality, when a little bit of my heart breaks.

Now I won’t exaggerate and say it hasn’t worked at all. It did, for sometime. I had more energy to get out of bed, to do more studying, to look forward to things, to want to do more.
But that only lasted for so long. And then I was back to being so socially withdrawn again, can’t think of a single person with whom I’d want to vent to, and feel better. As much as it may not appear to be true, I am alone in this, I always have been.

And there I was, sobbing on my 10 minute drive back from what was supposed to be a wonderful hangout with a person so damn close to my heart.
For the first time in years I actually heard myself weeping and crying like a child who’s lost his mother in some huge ass mall. For 10 minutes straight, I could barely see, the tears were filling up my eyes. And yet I drove and pulled into the parking lot only to cry some more. Wondering if I’ll ever get better. Wondering if that’s all there is to my life. I have everything I could ever ask for and yet all I want to do is die. Just fade away. Just disappear. Without notice.

And I feel invisible. Like I already don’t exist. So what difference does it even make.
My body hurts. My stomach grumbles from the stress. My heart feels empty. And my soul is burnt out.

I’ve got no more acting energy in me. And that’s why I’m mostly by myself lately, I can’t fake my energy not one more second anymore.

 

[may71]

Sorry this is happening FiveAs

Now I won’t exaggerate and say it hasn’t worked at all. It did, for sometime. I had more energy to get out of bed, to do more studying, to look forward to things, to want to do more.

Do you want to say what temporarily helped?

Sending hugs

 

[Sunspots]

Hey @FiveAs_

I'm so sorry things are so bad right now.

I can finally truthfully say I’ve tried everything I could try to feel better.

Would you like to say what you have tried? There may be other things we could suggest.

And then I was back to being so socially withdrawn again, can’t think of a single person with whom I’d want to vent to, and feel better. As much as it may not appear to be true, I am alone in this, I always have been.

What about the person you met in the mall? You said they were very close to your heart. Do they know how you're feeling?

I know it's not quite the same as in real life but you're not alone here.

 

[may71]

What about the person you met in the mall? You said they were very close to your heart. Do they know how you're feeling?

Maybe I'm reading it wrong, but I think she was saying that she met with a friend that she felt close to, but it lead to her just crying, as a child lost in a mall might cry, rather than that she met her friend in a mall.

@FiveAs_ , do you want to say what happened during the hangout with your friend that made you cry?

 

[Sunspots]

CBT, thats what I need, but damned if I will ever GET it on the NHS,

You can normally get CBT through IAPT on the NHS - my son had CBT through them.
https://www.nhs.uk/service-search/find-a-psychological-therapies-service/

 

[Autumn1973]

Hope you're feeling better today, FiveAs Sorry you're going through a tough time. Like Sunspots said, you're not alone here. You're really not. Please keep that in mind.

Thinking positive thoughts for you tonight.

 

[FiveAs_]

"We’re the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War’s a spiritual war… our Great Depression is our lives..." - Fight Club

I know how you feel, what you described is exactly how my depression goes, I'm in early stages this time around, just beginning to really suffer, but this will be my 4th collapse into it.
2009-2012, 2013-2014, 2016-2017, 2019-Onwards. I have managed to hold on for a good long while this time, I felt it was there gnawing at me, so I came back and was active here again, made an effort to keep it out, but 2020 is a bitch, extreme isolation, housing market being shit, killer commute, crap health, etc kinda overwhelmed my meagre defences.

Hang in there, this is a weak time, no shame in it, but it also doesn't define you, just as things have gotten worse for you before, things will get better again too. If I had to give any advice, it would be to lean heavily into CBT, thats what I need, but damned if I will ever GET it on the NHS, I have had unexplained severe pain in my side for over 1 and a half years and Im still trying to get the doctors to care, telling them im depressed and need CBT, ha! they wont even bother opening their mouths to laugh at me, so I just keep trying.

If you can, give it a try, and if you have given it a try already, just hang in there, I was so close to killing myself at 22 that the psychiatrists freaked the fuck out when I made a joke about it, she thought I was going to off myself right there in front of her, and now I'm 30, and Im still here, and arguably better than I was at 22. Surviving your own mind, like all things, gets easier with practice.

I am proud of you for hanging in there
Thank you for your kind words, it really has been tough. I've been struggling with this since I was 11. Depression has robbed me of my childhood. It's robbed me of my joy. I keep pushing everyone away. I'm so socially withdrawn. Anyone who sees me keeps asking where I've been the last few weeks, or should I be honest here and say, months.
It's so annoying. One second I'm feeling hopeful and tough and literally the next second I'm having a mental breakdown.
I appreciate you taking the time to read what I wrote, and taking the time to reply with all this. It's a constant battle and those who have never been in our shoes just have no clue how hard it is. The simplest tasks like getting out of bed are major achievements for me.

 

[FiveAs_]

Sorry this is happening FiveAs

Do you want to say what temporarily helped?

Sending hugs

I'm 22 now and November 1st, 2020 was the first time I've ever seen a psychiatrist for this and she's really sweet and optimistic and started me on antidepressants and benzodiazepines. First week was HELL. I was just easing into my major depressive episode. But it got a little better half way through, but now it's going downhill again since I'm PMSing. And every time I am going through PMS my hormones + my disrupted serotonin become somewhat of a deadly combo and they both take a huge toll on me.

Of course now, I've self-diagnosed myself years ago but never got the courage to actually seek help since I've "always dealt with things on my own". But October 31st, right as I was getting into bed, I had a panic attack. A mental breakdown. Somehow I got worse. My loss of interest in everything got so much worse. I had absolutely run out of energy to want to do anything at all. And I'm a medical intern. So a lot is expected out of me and it is extremely demanding. I basically have to be perfect to fit right in. I have to get out of bed everyday and pretend to feel just as normal as almost everyone else, when the hardest thing for me was getting out of bed. Thank you for your kind words and for taking the time to reply and read what I've written.

 

[FiveAs_]

Hey @FiveAs_

I'm so sorry things are so bad right now.


Would you like to say what you have tried? There may be other things we could suggest.


What about the person you met in the mall? You said they were very close to your heart. Do they know how you're feeling?

I know it's not quite the same as in real life but you're not alone here.

What helped somewhat is I saw a psychiatrist for the first time ever
Hardest decision I ever made

And I was not at the mall, I was just using that as an analogy to express how badly I was sobbing.

And that person who is close to my heart is the guy I'm dating. And yes he is very aware of how I'm feeling, he is extremely supportive. But that day after we hung out, it hit me again, we had a disagreement and I just am so irritable these days I couldn't take it I broke down again. Once with him in the car, and then again when I was sobbing on my drive back from seeing him. It just felt like my world was collapsing from underneath me.

Thank you for taking the time to read and reply.

 

[FiveAs_]

Maybe I'm reading it wrong, but I think she was saying that she met with a friend that she felt close to, but it lead to her just crying, as a child lost in a mall might cry, rather than that she met her friend in a mall.

@FiveAs_ , do you want to say what happened during the hangout with your friend that made you cry?

You are right, you aren't reading it wrong.
And I had a disagreement with the guy I'm seeing. But when I broke down it was much more than because of that. My heart just can't handle so much these days
Thank you ❤️

 

[FiveAs_]

Hope you're feeling better today, FiveAs Sorry you're going through a tough time. Like Sunspots said, you're not alone here. You're really not. Please keep that in mind.

Thinking positive thoughts for you tonight.

Thank you so much. This really helps. Thanks for checking on me again.
❤️

 

[Autumn1973]

Thank you for letting us help you.

 

[may71]

Thank you

You're welcome!

But it got a little better half way through, but now it's going downhill again

Your psychiatrist may be able to adjust your meds. It often takes a while before someone gets on the right medication at the right dosage. I'm critical of benzos though, since they can be very addictive.

The link in my signature may have some helpful info about treatment methods, including some self-treatment and alternative treatment methods.

 

[FiveAs_]

Yeah exactly
but at some point it was amazing
Like I actually was almost not irritated at all and I felt almost normal😔
And I reaaally struggle with falling asleep and the benzos really did help but now eversince I decreased the dose ( as per her recommendation), the effects are less and my sleep’s more disturbed again

But then again this probably has a lot to do with my ER shifts that change every day!

Thanks for your help♥️🥰

 

[Autumn1973]

Yeah exactly
but at some point it was amazing
Like I actually was almost not irritated at all and I felt almost normal😔
And I reaaally struggle with falling asleep and the benzos really did help but now eversince I decreased the dose ( as per her recommendation), the effects are less and my sleep’s more disturbed again

But then again this probably has a lot to do with my ER shifts that change every day!

Thanks for your help♥️🥰

Hey, hope you're feeling better today I sometimes have trouble sleeping, too. Have you ever tried setting your thermostat lower than usual? I keep mine set at just over 60 degrees. I put extra blankets on the bed, and this combination of a colder environment and a heavier layer on top of me really helps me sleep much better. I also relax and unwind on my couch, no lights, no tv, nothing. Just silence and darkness. I come down from my day, just letting my mind wander. After awhile I start yawning. After I yawn one time, I crawl into bed. It's gotten to the point where I always start yawning at about the same time every day, and I'm asleep within 15 to 20 minutes of getting into bed. Maybe you could try this, or develop your own routine from it to help you sleep.

Sending happy thoughts your way tonight

 

[FiveAs_]

thank you♥️ means a lot
yeah you’re right
i should probably find some routine too thats healthy for me and that could help me sleep

 

[Autumn1973]

Hope you're doing better today and that things are looking up for you, FiveAs.

 

[Autumn1973]

Are you feeling any better?