Thank you for your thoughts. I’m “old” but I don’t dread the age as much as wasting precious time. And I’m lonely, desperately lonely. I’m married to a good but frankly boring man content to watch sports, go to the gym a couple of days a week and work one day a week. He was my “rock” for years and now I feel reluctantly tethered to him. We have 3 adult children all doing wonderfully. We are in reasonably good health and financially we are okay. So... what’s my problem? I’m stuck. I’m miserable. I’m sometimes suicidal. How dare I be when I should feel blessed. Some of this comes now because recent events have triggered PTSD in me from a childhood hood of trauma, neglect and abandonment I never allowed my self to acknowledge much less even remember. I am just dealing with the truth of this now and honestly the pain is beyond what I think I’m able to tolerate... I’m not religious at all - was intentionally raised not to be as a matter of fact, So I sit in my existential angst wondering why am I here, why does it matter, what’s the point. This may be to much info too soon about me but that’s where I am. And I agree with you the world, all the information I am bombarded with daily scares me, saddens me, in furiates me and underscores how powerless I am.
I am now in some serious gut wrenching therapy and I am sure without that I would not be here. So I hold onto hope while being terrified of hoping because each spiral down again literally takes my breath and my reasons to continue away.
Thanks for listening.