Practical Advice How do I overcome my violent/self harm tendencies WITHOUT the assistance of a "professional"?

[AnHeroTransGirl]

I, to this day, have never figured out a way to non-violently get rid of my anger. My only solution is to bite myself currently and I have tried (and failed) to overcome this urge. People in my life are worried about my suicidal thoughts and therefore worried about me self harming potentially. I asked my girlfriend for help with this and unfortunately she can't figure out anything besides hitting her. This "solution" of hers I have gave her a firm "No" on because I have never hit her and I never will hit her because I love her. Unfortunately this means she can't come up with anything else. I do not trust professionals and I will NOT be seeing one and that's final. Do not suggest a therapist. I have attempted to use "non-breaking" methods of expressing violence (punching pillows and stuff of that nature) but it doesn't work since a lot of the thing that makes me feel better in regards to harming myself/my stuff/others is the idea that something is being destroyed or that the inflicted person feels physical pain from what I'm doing. In a before thread I expressed that I no longer fear hitting people as the consequences presented to me as a kid were exaggerated, but I need something to hit/bite/break for when I'm not around the person actively pissing me off. Please do not suggest any solutions that involve money as I literally have a negative balance in my bank account right now, and I don't want to spend money on something that won't work or has planned obsolescence. Please do not suggest things I have already mentioned that I've tried here because it would be redundant and it will not help.

 

[richard 1998]

Good morning

I would suggest a DBT (dialectic behavioral therapy) self-helf-book... I'm sure you can find something for free online..


That therapy helped me a lot in overcoming my self-harming..

I wish you best of luck!

 

[AnHeroTransGirl]

Good morning

I would suggest a DBT (dialectic behavioral therapy) self-helf-book... I'm sure you can find something for free online..


That therapy helped me a lot in overcoming my self-harming..

I wish you best of luck!

Do you have any links to one?

 

[Just_a_guy]

Hey!

I can offer advices from my own life and experiences. Perhaps the most insightful conclusion i have personally come to is that there are no tips and tricks or easy ways out of a tough situation involving mental health, relationships or other hard life situations and the best one can do is to accept this.

What has worked for me:

- Routines and something meaningful to do. I really need something in my life to keep me in check, for me it is my wife and my job. I would probably fall apart without something to force myself to get up every day to do something. I dont know what i would do if i didnt have those two, I would need something to force myself into a routine. When i have finished a productive day, bad things dont even usually come to my mind at all

- physical exercise, this is really important. Your physical health strongly reflects on your mental health too.

- self reflection and improvement. Why did i do this and that? What did i respond in this situation in that way? How can i do it differently? After a while, i have learned that in some situations i will really need to go through this routine of thought in my head instead of just acting on a situation, or i will make the wrong decision. I guess this might be the only way to make sense of feelings. I need to make it a routine to think about it before i act.

- Socializing. Friends are really important and it is important to see people and talk to all kinds of people, also not the kinds like ourselves. Being social is a skill that one can learn only by doing and getting along with all kinds of people is really important. Whatever you do, dont abandon your friends and dont isolate yourself. If someonbe contacts you, always answer. Never pass an opportunity to see diferent kinds of people.

Whenever i neglect these things in my life for too long, its never good.

I dont have any experiences of therapy, so i dont really know what to recommend, but i know it has helped people. I also don't have experience of violence, i dont have those tendencies at all, but maybe they are related to self-esteem or self confidence? For me, my self-confidence has grown over the years, so i dont really feel insecure anymore. Overall stress I manage with my routines.

Best of luck!

 

[Gonz]

deleted.

 

[AnHeroTransGirl]

Hey!

I can offer advices from my own life and experiences. Perhaps the most insightful conclusion i have personally come to is that there are no tips and tricks or easy ways out of a tough situation involving mental health, relationships or other hard life situations and the best one can do is to accept this.

What has worked for me:

- Routines and something meaningful to do. I really need something in my life to keep me in check, for me it is my wife and my job. I would probably fall apart without something to force myself to get up every day to do something. I dont know what i would do if i didnt have those two, I would need something to force myself into a routine. When i have finished a productive day, bad things dont even usually come to my mind at all

- physical exercise, this is really important. Your physical health strongly reflects on your mental health too.

- self reflection and improvement. Why did i do this and that? What did i respond in this situation in that way? How can i do it differently? After a while, i have learned that in some situations i will really need to go through this routine of thought in my head instead of just acting on a situation, or i will make the wrong decision. I guess this might be the only way to make sense of feelings. I need to make it a routine to think about it before i act.

- Socializing. Friends are really important and it is important to see people and talk to all kinds of people, also not the kinds like ourselves. Being social is a skill that one can learn only by doing and getting along with all kinds of people is really important. Whatever you do, dont abandon your friends and dont isolate yourself. If someonbe contacts you, always answer. Never pass an opportunity to see diferent kinds of people.

Whenever i neglect these things in my life for too long, its never good.

I dont have any experiences of therapy, so i dont really know what to recommend, but i know it has helped people. I also don't have experience of violence, i dont have those tendencies at all, but maybe they are related to self-esteem or self confidence? For me, my self-confidence has grown over the years, so i dont really feel insecure anymore. Overall stress I manage with my routines.

Best of luck!

Unfortunately I've done a lot of those and they either don't do much for my anger or they cause more stress to me. I'm not saying your suggestion is bad or anything, I'm just saying it does nothing for my anger.

deleted.

What?

 

[Gonz]

What?

It wasn’t useful.

 

[AnHeroTransGirl]

It wasn’t useful.

So you edited your message? Why not just keep it sent?

 

[AnHeroTransGirl]

Bumping this since I harmed myself just a second ago <mod edit - method>. My lower palm hurts, and my head does slightly. A mild stinging on my head where I hit myself, aching on my lower palm of my right hand, and it feels rough but that's normal when I do that. I don't want any trouble anymore. I just wanna be fixed permanently. Yesterday and today has been tough and the week is going to be extra rough, I have a feeling it will. I don't wanna hurt myself anymore but it just feels like instinct at this point.

 

[AnHeroTransGirl]

Bumping because I'm feeling stressed, not sure why, but I am.

 

[AnHeroTransGirl]

Bump

 

[AnHeroTransGirl]

Bump, maybe I'm better off sticking to self harm

 

[Brân]

I don't think I'm gonna have any answers for you and possibly not be helpful, but if it's worth anything, I think it's really good progress that you can recognise this and are trying to overcome it. A lot of people would lack the awareness to self regulate.

As for methods of releasing the emotion because it's gotta go somewhere, I don't think I've got anything that others haven't mentioned. My go-to would have been the pillow punching. Can you get a punching bag maybe? Unfortunately I think it's a long journey and process and you're gonna have to get your mind into that habit of just doing something that breaks you out of the violent thoughts so you can process more calmly.

 

[AnHeroTransGirl]

I don't think I'm gonna have any answers for you and possibly not be helpful, but if it's worth anything, I think it's really good progress that you can recognise this and are trying to overcome it. A lot of people would lack the awareness to self regulate.

As for methods of releasing the emotion because it's gotta go somewhere, I don't think I've got anything that others haven't mentioned. My go-to would have been the pillow punching. Can you get a punching bag maybe? Unfortunately I think it's a long journey and process and you're gonna have to get your mind into that habit of just doing something that breaks you out of the violent thoughts so you can process more calmly.

I've considered that so many times already. The problem is, when I hit an object, my anger seeks out to break/destroy it. When the object isn't destroy-able, it doesn't make me feel better. The only other thing that makes it better is if the thing I'm hitting is a living person. Something about the feeling of hitting/feeling my blows land against an actual human makes me less angry. Simply just hitting an object isn't enough to make me feel better. It never was and I don't think it ever will.

 

[AnHeroTransGirl]

Bump

 

[Congratsbaby]

Bump

Hello
I am not sure if I will be able to help but I have some suggestions

• Screaming
• listening to angry songs
• mindfulness
• scribbling
• drawing

- Screaming when you get angry for as long as you want and as much as you want . It can affect your vocal cords though I guess

- listening to angry songs when you're angry validates your emotions ( personally I have found that ) which in turns helps you calm down because you feel someone is validating your anger so you perhaps don't feel yourself to act on it

- mindfulness as in being in the present moment , to acknowledge you're angry , what you're angry upon , what is it doing to you , what do you feel like doing . Deep breathing , meditating and journaling may help along with thinking about someone you love or something you love , a peaceful , calm situation may help

- scribbling on a piece of paper to let out your anger using colours or just a pencil maybe destroying paper as well but too many paper destroying is bad for planet so don't recommend but once in a while it's fine

- drawing out your emotions. You don't have to be piccaso just letting it out , no skills required , scribbling and then maybe you feel like adding more doing something more it may help or drawing something that calms you down may help

Lastly , my condolences to you . I deal with self harm , it's not easy . It's an addiction . You're still really worthy and your worth isn't defined by you self harming. Take care

PS. Your girlfriend may had good intentions when she said you could hit her but it's not healthy right. I hope she's fine and is not in a mental or emotional state in which she thinks someone hitting her is okay. Take care of her and make her take care of herself too .

 

[Windhover]

substitute .
Every time self harm is about to happen, force yourself to do something equal but not self harm.

for ex., I use 90 to 180 seconds of continuous plank instead of [...]. You won't be strong enough at first to do that, but maybe 30 seconds. Or pick something similarly challenging. Keep doing the substitution for a month at least bc brains need that long to actually change.

 

[Congratsbaby]

substitute .
Every time self harm is about to happen, force yourself to do something equal but not self harm.

for ex., I use 90 to 180 seconds of continuous plank instead of [...]. You won't be strong enough at first to do that, but maybe 30 seconds. Or pick something similarly challenging. Keep doing the substitution for a month at least bc brains need that long to actually change.

Oh I forgot exercise or any cardio or aerobic activity is great too .
Good suggestion.
I don't support the change part though ( I know you didn't wrote it for me but I hope you understand view points can differ ) I read something that suggested there is no evidence which proves if you do something for 28 days it will be a habit . But to each their own .

 

[Windhover]

@Congratsbaby yeah, true, that's one of those myths, but it did work for me. Maybe bc I was tired of the sh and wanted the change more than I used to want it, and just needed a scheduled sort of mechanism.

 

[Congratsbaby]

@Congratsbaby yeah, true, that's one of those myths, but it did work for me. Maybe bc I was tired of the sh and wanted the change more than I used to want it, and just needed a scheduled sort of mechanism.

Ahan I see
I am glad it worked for you ! Genuinely inspiring and you should celebrate ☀️