How do you deal with "normal" anger after abuse?

[one6seven]

Hello to whoever is reading this!

I'm having trouble wording this but I'll do my best to explain it concisely.


My living situation includes two people, one of which I get along with very well. The other one is nice and helpful, but sometimes he does things that are quite inconsiderate. When the other person approaches him about these things, he won't reconsider his stance, and responds with passive-aggression (I think, he says angry words but calmly).

I've just had a small bout of anxiety after being alone with him, and I'm realising now I'm regressing into old behaviours: avoiding eye contact, talking as little as possible and taking a few seconds before interacting with something in the house (to decide if its okay).

So I'm going into protection mode around him now, which is a bit frustrating because rationally, I'm (almost) certain I don't need to. While here, he has not once been violent, threatened anyone, or even yelled.

I guess that's the annoying thing. When I lived with the scary person, the loud and physical stuff was definitely terrifying, but equally terrifying were the times when the scary person said things in an unnervingly calm manner (like "just keep your eyes on the road", or "what did you just say to me?")

I know nobody's perfect, I think this person I live with just has an unhealthy way of dealing with conflict. But there's a lot of steps between that and abuse, I know that rationally but my "lizard brain" would rather be safe than sorry, I guess.


I would really like to ask him to stop doing certain things but I feel too scared to now. Does anyone have any experience or advice on deprogramming the fight-flight-freeze mode going off in response to "normal" anger or aggression?

Thanks for reading any advice is much appreciated

 

[AlexFree]

Totally understand!! I think the best advise is just to not think too much and just try to have a conversation. It’s ok if you can’t. It’s ok if it fails. No one is going to blame you. Keep trying!! Don’t worry too much about the results and consequences. Feel what is right, and do what you feel. I believe, and you can too!!!💪💪

 

[may71]

he says angry words but calmly

Can you give an example of this? It's ok if you don't want to, but it would help in explaining.

Does anyone have any experience or advice on deprogramming the fight-flight-freeze mode going off in response to "normal" anger or aggression?

www.hotpeachpages.net has a library of domestic violence and abuse articles, so there might be something there that would be helpful.

DV hotlines seem to be mostly geared toward active abuse scenarios, but they might have some advice about how to deal with recovery issues like this.

Cognitive behavioral therapy techniques might be helpful. I think you could either talk to a therapist, or maybe try learning some CBT techniques from a book. reading-well.uk.org (no www) has a list of self-treatment books that have been endorsed by at least one health professional. There are a few books there about CBT and anxiety, and that seems to be a good fit as you seem to have anxiety or fear about relating to this person.

 

[seabird]

When confronted with similar situations as you mention, I used to freeze and sometimes start to shake, in the 2 to 3 years after getting away from my abuser. What I eventually learned to do was practice and have a script ready for my response to certain people. It was the only thing that worked during that period of time. Also, I learned there are certain kinds of people I cannot and don't want to tolerate.

hug

 

[LumberJack]

I would really like to ask him to stop doing certain things but I feel too scared to now. Does anyone have any experience or advice on deprogramming the fight-flight-freeze mode going off in response to "normal" anger or aggression?

Thanks for reading any advice is much appreciated

Firstly, YES. You have the right to make your preferences known about how you want to be treated! This is a basic human right, IMHO. Even if the other person finds it difficult to accommodate your preferences, it’s still valid to make them known. This is called boundaries. Unless I am mistaken, which does happen!

I don’t know how to mitigate fight/Flight /Freeze response because I have it too, and all I know so far is that: I don’t need to believe my feelings. I might be reacting to something in the present as if it were something that happened a long time ago. The trick I am working on is to Respond, as opposed to React.

Response is chosen and reason based, while Reactions are automatic and usually fear based. The best way I know to defuse my reactions is to give myself time and space from the triggering event. In other words, if I am tempted to instantly fire back, then I want to react and should give myself time. My experience with this is that I almost always regret actions I took in the heat of the moment. This gives me the motivation to figure out what I can do instead.

If you feel angry, then you have a signal that a boundary has been crossed. Conflict is a guaranteed facet of living with others. Most of the time, another person may violate your boundaries just because they didn’t know your preferences. Turn the situation around, and you can see what I mean. It’s possible that you could violate your roommate’s boundaries unintentionally. How would you like them to respond? In most cases, I would want to be made aware. Hopefully in a calm manner, but if not I would rather be informed in a way that is less than ideal, than to not be made aware at all.

I use a formula for communication around boundaries. It consists of:
-objective description of the other person’s actions from my first person point of view (focus on sensory data, for example “when I heard you say…,” rather than “you said…”). Keeping it to what you experienced defuses defensiveness.

-How I felt about the other person’s behavior

-what I would prefer to see happen in the future

- how I will enforce my boundaries if they are not respected. Keep in mind that this is a negotiation. Most likely the two of you will have to meet each other in the middle to find a solution.

So an example would be: “I felt scared when I heard the cabinet door closed loudly. It would be better for me if we handled kitchen stuff more quietly. Is that something you could do?”

And after that is the negotiation process. If no middle ground is found, then you need to decide what you will do going forward. You could tell the other person that loud noise is problematic for you due to your history. No need to get into stories. The point is to communicate where you are not okay. If you’re willing to sever ties, then you could say that, as in, “I am considering moving out if we can’t reach a compromise on this.” This is where the formula becomes vague, though because your optimal outcome is dependent on the relationship between the two sides. The ground rules are to speak only from your perspective. If you’re making statements about right or wrong, then you are in judgment, which is fine, but is not the best way to communicate with someone else. So keep it to what physically happened and your own reaction, unless the personal values are the substance of the boundary.

I don’t know how to explain it more quickly, but I think you get the idea. This is just what works for me.

 

[LumberJack]

I realize this is an old thread but it seems like boundaries have been an issue for many of us here, so I am hoping that if OP is not around, that someone else might find this useful.