I'm 19, my name is Rocky. All this sad shit is so confusing I don't know where it begins and where it ends. I guess I can tell what I've found out about myself. I don't like to lie. I don't enjoy hurting others, killing anything. I'm soft but people push me and it feels like I'm burning inside and they always end up with something broken. I'm selfish. I always feel sorry for myself. I'm depressed almost 24/7, it has been a gradual increase since 12. At the age of 12 is when I really started noticing the world around me and I actually started thinking. It was like I was in a paradox of never-ending happiness before then. My dad is schitzoaffective and I went to see him last month and my uncle told me I had grit to do so. He's 49 now and looks like shit. Missing teeth, strained voice, long, long, long face. Long hair. Nails and body have blood in some places. Said he gets extremely tired because he can't stop talking to himself sometimes. Hurt me pretty bad and now I don't talk to him because I'm an asshole and I just want to forget. My mom told me he raped her. I have a notion that that's how I came to be. I think I'm bipolar to a minor degree, I don't hear voices but I also can't tell if I get extreme mood swings. I think I'm starting to talk to myself as well. I have nightmares where my skin turns to fur and it ignites and I'm on fire, I can't breath. I wake up in a sweat gasping for air. I also had 3 surgeries as a 9 month old baby, one was an intussusception where I literally was shitting out my small intestine. They also found polyps on my large intestine so they had to cut that out. On top of that they took out my appendix for the hell of it. I have an adhesion on my stomach from those surgeries and I've had to go to the E.R. 3 times, each time my entire stomach shut down, I kept breathing so hard and so fast my entire body became numb and I had to be hooked up to a button for pain with an NG tube down my throat into my stomach. I'd press that button every time I felt a tidal surge of pain and pass out, then I would wake up with screaming migraines. It seems everyone, after a while, everyone I talk to starts to ignore me. I messed up 2 good relationships because I was insecure and I didn't trust them. Cried like a baby both times. Now I don't really care for a girlfriend. Don't care for sex. I just want a real friend I can talk to. Thing is though I'm not good at talking about anything. It feels like it's been forever since I've had a conversation where I have connected with anyone. I feel so alone it's unbearable. I have tried counseling and the counselors seemed like they never really listened. I can understand. I'm fairly boring and they have to listen to depressing shit all day. I look really young for my age. I always get a look from people older than me, around the age of 40, this look that's so complicated. It's like a mix of a million different variations of mistrust and condescendence. I'm not a big guy either. About 5'9 140 lbs. Seems I will never have a chance to earn respect. People take me for granted. That's all I got for now I guess. Just letting it all out there so someone will know. Been thinking of creative ways to kill myself because I don't belong here. If I had been born in an earlier time, 1800s, I would've been dead already. Maybe I'm supposed to die. I can't see a reason to live. I apologize for being a whiny bitch.