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Empathy Only How low can I go?

#1
I hate feeling like this, especially when I know it's all my own fault. Who am I kidding? It's always my fault anyway. Is it bad that I don't even care anymore? Well I guess it is bad and I suppose I do care or I wouldn't be writing this. Not sure what I'm aiming to achieve by doing this because it's about as good as thinking in my own head or talking to myself. And it's not like there's anyone to listen. Or more accurately, no one who'd WANT to listen. They might think they do but if they heard it they'd instantly (but probably silently to their credit) regret it. And the last thing I want is for them to feel obligated to do something. Because I don't want sympathy or even advice if I'm honest. I just want someone to be there and give a damn without feeling disappointed or inconvenienced. It's wishful thinking I guess.

The worst part is that I kind of knew I'd end up here. No, actually the worst part of it was knowing that and doing it anyway. I saw the big red self-destruct button and I pressed it without hesitation. Do I regret it? I don't even know anymore. Part of me wants to want things to get better. But the other part of me knows that so many people's lives would be so much better and easier if I was dead. I can't deny the latter, no matter how hard I try. Or try to try.

I can't even begin to explain why I ended up here. I'm pretty sure the story goes back further than I can remember. I've made so many mistakes, most of which I regret, a couple of which I'm still torn on. I just know that I don't deserve to be here and that my time is limited on this earth because I will die by my own hand. I'll never be here long enough to have a loving, lasting and meaningful relationship, to experience the joy of having my own children or to share in my friends happiness (which I wish for them infinitely). I'm just watching those last few grains of sand slip through the hourglass and wondering what happens next.
 

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