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How to feel about losing family members who didn't accept me

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by baywasp, Oct 18, 2017.

  1. baywasp

    baywasp The crappiest rugger

    I just found out yesterday evening that my grandma, my last surviving grandparent, died recently. I searched her obituary online to verify it after hearing the news, and apparently it happened Saturday. I found out from my former neighbor that I am still friends with. I am wondering why I found out from her and no one else. Well my dad doesn't talk to me much, and she was my mom's mom, so maybe she is upset and hasn't felt up to letting me know. It didn't seem like my mom told our former neighbor to let me know; she just sent her condolences upon hearing the news. I almost didn't believe it was true at first.

    I honestly don't know how to feel. She was never a huge part of my life growing up because she lived so far away. Plus I was always closer with my grandfather (who passed about 4 or 5 years ago). Since I came out as transgender and moved away to start my transition, I haven't been close to much of my family besides (eventually) my mom and sister. I feel sad, but I also feel like I'm not sad enough. Maybe that will come in time since I'm still a little shocked. Maybe it won't. At this point in my life I've pretty much accepted that I don't really have much of a family. I just don't know. I'm confused.
  2. justrob

    justrob Keep on keeping on.

    You deserve to be treated better by your family.

    It is ok if you do not feel too sad about losing family you are not close to.

    I am sorry for your loss. Take care my friend.
    DrownedFishOnFire and baywasp like this.
  3. baywasp

    baywasp The crappiest rugger

    Thank you.

    Today I texted my mother to say that I heard the news and was wondering how she was holding up. It turned out it was by accident that she ended up not telling me. She was trying to figure out how to tell me and drafting a message but kept getting interrupted and had a lot to deal with. She also told me that my grandmother asked her about how I was doing a lot. I didn't expect that at all. It was nice to hear, but I'm kind of even more confused now about how to feel.
    DrownedFishOnFire and justrob like this.
  4. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    @baywasp...I'm sorry your grandmother died. I'm also sorry you learned the news indirectly. Sounds like things piled up for your mom and she missed letting you know. I can sense your surprise and mixed feelings that your grandmother asked about you, even though you weren't in constant touch with each other. I think maybe just feel whatever you're feeling - confusion and sadness when relationships are distant, long ago, tenuous or broken might be kind of "normal" in a sense. It's nice that she cared, and even if you weren't especially close, it seems that on some level, you cared about her. *hug* Take care of yourself.
    DrownedFishOnFire and baywasp like this.
  5. justrob

    justrob Keep on keeping on.

    You don't have to trust your family if that is not wise, but if it was nice to hear, enjoy the moment while it lasts. Take care my friend.
    DrownedFishOnFire and baywasp like this.
  6. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    It happens to everyone in all kinds of families how news travel and people even assume others will tell someone or get lost in translation. I am glad you were able to get ahold of your mom and provide her the reassurance she needed at this tough time, sorry about your loss.
    baywasp likes this.